Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

Most people on this thread simply don't understand compound interest. @PrettyPickle showed how the figures worked when dealing with a credit card rate of 39%. Paying 500 pounds a month will take around 4 years to clear the debt and he'll end up paying over 22,000 pounds for the pleasure of borrowing 9000 pounds. People are focusing on the principal and simply ignoring the interest.

I have known people where money slips through their fingers. Just a little bit here and a little bit there. Saving money and accepting a lower quality lifestyle is not fun. I told my husband we weren't wasting money on paper towels and freshly squeezed orange juice and there were no holidays anywhere when we were making a huge push to pay off our mortgage for our house in our early 40s. My professional work clothes came from a consignment store and the children wore a lot of op shop finds. We ditched the cheap cars though after some driver just missed taking out my entire family when he neglected to actually check for traffic before turning into a main road. We upgraded for airbags.

Was it worth it? Well my children got wonderful educations, we've been able to have some great holidays, we're financially secure, we live in a lovely four bedroom detached house in a good area and my husband has a whole new appreciation for paper towels. Paper towels aside, my husband was with me all the way on this. I think this approach would be impossible to do if you're not n both agreed on it. I don't see that this man is showing any sign of taking concrete steps to tackle his debt even to the extent of checking his outgoing. I am sure he has nice qualities and you are fond of him but the finances are a huge red flag.

Exactly @Remembertobekind Sometimes a lot of the time the reason why some people have money and some people have debt is how they manage their money, not how much they have.

Two people could have the same income, the same circumstances and the same fixed costs and one could be in debt and always struggling and the other could have plenty of savings and feel really comfortable and on their surface, their lifestyle might not look that different.

Do they save and earn interest or do they borrow and pay interest?

Do they shop around and get the best price, use discount codes, wait for sales etc or do they just buy/do the thing straight away as and when they want it.

The OP mentions 'subscriptions' ie more than one, including BT Sport, which is far more expensive than all the others, so he could be spending loads there.

He lives in London and I bet he spends a lot on coffees, lunches, nights out etc. That can add up hugely over time but a lot of people can't see how the odd fiver here, tenner there and £100+ nights out can cost over £1k pm, meaning that it takes all his money after mortgage and bills and then some, with seemingly little to show for it.

Where does he buy his clothes? Does he pay a lot for haircuts etc? What about hobbies and holidays?

He can get out of debt and manage his money better, but he has to put the work in. If the relationship is otherwise good, perhaps talk to him as to whether he could manage to do that. Start to be a grown up about money. His debt is relatively small and with his pay rise, he could be out of debt in a few months and in a year or two, he could have savings. But he has to want to change and stop being an idiot about money.

Yes I agree it's actually good if he uses it to help clear the debt as the accumulating interest is prob not helping him pay it off.

@SG1301 I haven't read every post but he needs to focus on clearing high interest debt ASAP and cut back on everything unnecessary till then - literally everything apart from the essentials. Then second priority is pay back the rest. He should theoretically be able to do it in less than a year.

He needs to reframe his relationship with money and tell himself that borrowing and debt beyond his mortgage is off limits otherwise he'll get into it again.

I'm not sure I'd want a relationship with this man though.

To be honest op I'd leave him

He will always be shit with money and make impulsive choices, it will annoy you forever.

All the things people say to rationalise how he got himself into debt and how he potentially lives beyond his means sound plausible/reasonable - until you remember that he is 44, not 24!

Has this not given you the "ick", OP?

He just sounds so immature & a bit pathetic really.

£22k back on just interest on £9k is shocking. This seems like his only option at this point as nobody else, apart from his DPs, are going to he offering him any credit.

39.9% is representative though. Aqua are a bit opaque about what their maximum interest rate is but it might be 49.9%.

You could OP look at his statement to see what interest rate he’s paying but I’m not sure why you would want to at this point. It’s not going to show you anything you don’t already know: appalling credit history, lies to cover debt up and is unwilling at 44 to take responsibility and sort the mess out himself.

@Remembertobekind So many people don't seem to understand the importance of compound interest, so they live on credit, pay off the bare minimum, don't save etc. Perhaps it should be taught more in schools?

It was quite early in your relationship when he said it was about £3k. Did you ask him for a figure? He shouldn't have lied about the amount but politely telling you it was too soon to be discussing his financial situation, basically mind your own business, would have probably been very uncomfortable for both of you. He should have said that, but I can see why he didn't.

He might not have been dishonest when he said the debt was £6k rather than the £9k it turned out to be. He may have genuinely not known if he'd been burying his head in the sand. People who are anxious about debt, as you said he is, often do that. So if you can cut him some slack about being slow to confide in you the extent of his problem, would you carry on the relationship and watch to see if he became better at managing his money? Sometimes it takes a confrontation like this for people to turn things around.

It sounds like he is paying regularly so he might still have a good credit rating. If he does he may be able to transfer all the debt to a new credit card that offers 0% interest for a set term. That can be up to 2 years. He can set his monthly payment so that the balance will clear when the 0% period ends. Or if that payment would be too high, he would be able to transfer any remaining balance to another 0% when the time comes. Although, doing this might actually reduce his monthly outgoings and he also has that extra £20k coming in so he might be able to clear the debt much sooner.

If you dont want to read the full thread at least please read all of the OPs posts.

This man is as far from good credit rating as you can get. Nobody is going to he offering him any credit 0% card.

i think going forward, his attitude to money will influence this relationship. Will he aim to change his ways, or carry with his head in the clouds, and not take responsibility? However, it diesn’t look good for a long term future (and children), if he can’t afford, and/or can control and organise his spending as a single man (and keep making excuses for his debt).

Some people understand compound interest - I assumed he was at least paying the interest on it to prevent unpaid interest from compounding to a larger principal, although interest still accrues on the outstanding balance.

He may not even be doing that of course, but that’s why he tried to get a bank loan because paying it off at once and paying lower interest on a bank loan would be cheaper.

I had read the OPs posts. If she has made another post saying he is officially bankrupt then I have missed it. That would be the thing to make him as far from having a good credit rating as you can get. Also, a card being declined doesn't necessarily mean someone has a default history, it could just mean they have reached their credit limit.

I'm sure if you hadn't been poised to hastily correct other people's posts you would have at least mentioned bankruptcy and default history in your criticism because you clearly think you are an expert and would know all about those areas of debt management.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the advice. I am not really sure how to move forward, worried I am being unreasonable as most other things in the relationship are good... I wish he could just show me a plan or something to make me see he is taking it seriously. Maybe some people are just comfortable living in debt and I guess if we didn't merge finances that would be ok but worried it would continue to bother me?

Of course it would continue to bother you.

This is a massive issue and goes fundamentally to the heart of who he is. To be 44 with no savings, debt and a history of poor credit - it’s not a short term mess he got himself into it’s a long term manifestation of instability, irresponsibility and fecklessness.

Why would you even be considering this given what happened to your mum?

This forum is littered with women who gave men like this the benefit of the doubt. And they end up suddenly discovering 50-100-200k worth of debt years down the line.

I think it’s made you realise he’s not quite who you thought he was, and the prospect of worrying about money, not spending on holidays, days out, meals out etc is not the future you want. To use a cliche, ‘the ick’.

I imagine OP's mother also made all these rationalising statements about OP's dad and we know that she was left paying back his debts. Not being too much of a totally unqualified armchair psychologist here but are you clinging on to this man because its a familiar pattern that men are bad with money and you don't deserve somebody with a bit of money? You absolutely do deserve somebody who lives within their means and where you can build a life together where you're not worried about the baliffs knocking on the door. I know it is hard when there is a really serious "flaw" in what seems like a decent person but often that "flaw" is who they really are and its not very fixable. I think this man has probably had financial problems for quite a while.

Living with a late middle aged man who is 'bad with money' is definitely not on your wish list OP and you know this.

How do you imagine things going if you were to move in together? Would he pay his 50% without getting into debt, or start another cycle?

well yes this is what I worry about. I own my place, so I guess he thinks he could sell his and move in here and then pay me rent but I think I would worry about him defaulting on the rent too? I don't know... It does bother me and give me the ick a bit but then he also has lots of great qualities too.

You couldnt keep finances separate if you ever planned to live together because you would jointly own a house and become financially attached. So his bad credit would affect yours.

You would also need to take on the full burden of money management and making sure theres no defaulting on the mortgage and risk losing your home. While you are making sacrifices and scrimping and saving down at Aldi, he's living it up with countless coffees and lifestyle products, new clothes, going out, god knows what.

Unless he is really is able to understand how to budget and to restrain himself (and that isnt much fun, he has to be realistic) then it would be difficult

The other thing that you need to bear in mind is that some people like living in the moment, the idea of saving for a holiday or the long term is not interesting to them, its not what fulfills them. Thats fine, no criticism, but if its vastly different to you then it causes an issue.

So he would get all the benefits while you would get continuous stress.

I would not take that risk personally.

How much has he borrowed from his 2 friends too? THAT is a major red flag for me!!!

2k from one, 300 from another. He says he has paid them back now. I don't really know what it was for, he always just says 'surviving to the end of the month in London'

he never has any new nice clothes really!!

Interesting how many people regard having 9k of debt as no big deal.i mean credit card debt / borrowing from friends etc, not a mortgage