Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

Easy to make a budget. Harder to stick to it.

If he is paying off £1k a month that is £10k by Christmas. Where does his parents £3k fit in? Either way his £9k wasn’t true.

The messages he is sending to you - all the flip flopping trying to get a reaction, that’s not ok.

Bin him off

I don't think you share the same financial values and that's often a huge bone of contention in a relationship.

His emotions seem to oscillate quite wildly - apologising endlessly and saying how sorry he is, then getting cross because I haven’t got back to him quick enough or haven’t been supportive enough. I think he says things he doesn’t mean to get a reaction out of me, then regrets them and is apologetic again, saying he’d do anything to fix it etc.

This proves definitively that his financial issues are rooted in his personality - his emotional instability mirrors the financial. He’s addictive and impulsive with poor self-control- money, cigarettes, alcohol, emotions. He gives up then goes on a binge - round and round - sorry, not sorry etc.

Can you imagine having investments with this man, let along children?

I understand it’s disappointing having invested a year in this guy, but don’t waste more of your time on it.

I'd make it a permanent break because of the way he has responded when @SG1301 didn't immediately agree to resuming their relationship.

Exactly this

It might look different if this was a long relationship, but after just a year?
No ... this is the time during which you learn who someone really is, and he couldn't be making it clearer so why waste any more time?

You are not being unreasonable.

It sounds like he feels he has won you back by doing the budget, and you not succumbing to him has made him react. Also, he hasn’t done the budget because he wants to, but because he feels that that is what you want. It’s life an alcoholic saying they’re going to give up drink, without actually recognising or admitting they have a problem. It’s only words

He sounds seriously hard work and quite controlling and manipulative. You have told him you want a break, he isn't allowing you to have a break. I think you need to tell him firmly that you want a month of no contact and you can then review things (if that is what you want). He may or may not be depressed but that isn't your fault and that isn't a reason to stay with him. If he thinks he is depressed he can get help for it.
A middle aged drama llama is so unappealing to me.

If he is saying he is very depressed I’d be interested to know what help he has sought to try and get better.

Often one of the biggest problems with depression is actually recognising you are depressed. There is help there though but he has to want to get better.

What is not ok is using it as an excuse to treat those people yoi life badly. Me and my DH have both had depression at times, I can honestly say that we have never “said things we don’t mean just to get a reaction”. He does mean them OP, why else would he say them? And if he is saying these things after a year, when you want a break and he should be showing you his best side, can you imagine how awful the things that he will saw to you will be when after 5 years.

And he has done a budget over the weekend.

He is really not motivated to sort this debt out and he and doesn’t care how upset it’s making you. You first told him you were unhappy last Easter. That is an awful long time for him to have to sit down and try and work this out.

He is giving you crumbs and expecting you to capitulate and he did, well nothing, he is doing absolutely nothing to try and appease you.

And I don’t think the possibility of him having ADHD is an excuse either. By his age he should have figured out he has it, if he has.

Yes people with ADHD can be impulsive but I have it and don’t have debt and I definitely wouldn’t treat my DH how this man is treating you.

There is just so much information out there now on ADHD I refuse to believe that one he hadn’t realised he may have it and two, he hasn’t got a clue how to try and live a more regulated life if he has.

You are not being unreasonable to end a relationship with a man who has debt, who has lied to you, who has been so reluctant to try and sort the debt out when he knows how important that is to you, who won’t respect your wishes to have a break and who says horrible things to you. Any one of those things individually is enough to block and move on.

What would be unreasonable is to listen to him and continue the relationship. If you do choose that though i would recommend asking for information under Clare’s Law as his behaviour is escalating to a worrying level.

I’d also stop answering his messages gor a few days, if you don’t want to block then silence him for a while and have a think about why you think you need more evidence to leave because really you don’t

OP trust your instincts. Do what is right for you.

He keeps saying he’s so sorry and loves me and stuff so it’s difficult. I’ve said I want a break and that I am worried about the future and he says I’m making him feel useless and then apologises afterwards and says he’s just hurt and that he knows I’m right. I’ve said to reach out to his family and friends for support. I don’t think he’s a bad person but his behaviour feels a bit emotionally manipulative to me, like I didn’t reply for 2 hours to something and so then he texted to say we should swap our keys back, then I replied and he said “now I get your attention. It f**s with my head when you ignore me, it’s not cool. Then I send that and you reply straight away. Seriously?!” I found the tone not nice, but he then apologises and I think maybe he was a bit drunk? I don’t know. I know he sounds awful but he’s not really, he’s usually very loving and kind but he seems unable to deal with us breaking up or going on a break in a calm or rational way. I know break ups are hard but I think we also have responsibility to control emotions to an extent? Different if longer term but as you guys point out, I’ve only known him just over a year. I think I’ll stick to a break for now. I just don’t want to be cruel to someone who is struggling? I’ve send him lots of financial resources so I don’t think I’ve been unsupportive really, I just haven’t run back to him the moment he made a spreadsheet…

He cant manage his money....(and lets be clear this isnt one bad decision ....this was a long series of bad choices that led to this debt. Borrowing money from his parents and 2 friends...

Nor cant manage his emotions or take responsibility for his actions.

I personally think you'd be foolish even consider getting back with him before dec and the debt is cleared. If he is contrite and serious let him show you.

Think about his response to this.....the whining and complainig, the lack of accountility, the poor me....

now imagine you are on SMP following a cat 3 section with complications and have a colicky newborn with reflux....is this the man you want by your side???

You’re right he’s manipulative. The “I love you and I’m useless” message keeps you on the hook. You you’re not being “cruel” you’re just being straight.

If he was 22 I’d say he was a head fuck who might grow up. At 44 he’s a head fuck who will never change and will ruin your life.

It’s not just breaking up be can’t deal with it’s everything - life, money, relationships.

At 36 you must know that people rarely want to be dumped. And you must know that sometimes you have to be the one who says enough.

You need to split not just take a break. Otherwise you will boomerang back when he next goes on a charm offensive. It will end the same way but next time you will be 37 knocking on 38 and you will start to panic.

So he won't respect your request for space and is emotionally manipulating you, while ignoring the consequences of his own actions.

Stop replying to him. You have said you want a break. You aren't responsible for his emotions he is. If he feels useless it is because his emotional responses make him feel useless, it isn't your fault, plus he does sound a bit useless for a 44 year old high earner so it isn't an inappropriate response.
You have physically disengaged from him you now need to emotionally disengage and tell him to stop contacting him and maybe block him if he persists. You don't need a cyberstalker who won't stop hassling you. . Consider changing your locks. His behaviour is selfish and manipulative, this is not a man trying to improve himself but a child upset that he has lost his favourite toy.

Another thing to watch out for, @SG1301, is if "I'm sad/depressed" turns into threats to harm himself if you don't fall into line
It could easily happen with someone who's so manically focused on himself, and the only possible answer would be to call emergency services and let them deal with him

I'm also hoping that by "sending him financial resources" you mean info on managing a budget rather than actual money of your own?
Please, please say you've not given him money only a year in?

Typo

Just block him @SG1301 all this flip flopping back and forth is not being fair to him.

Show him you seriously want a complete split, not half in, half out.

He's off your radar, he will continue to manipulate you if you give him air time.

be the adult here and cut ties.

No, I just mean links to debt help organisations and useful money management apps and articles. I have not given him any money and would not do so!

That’s good news.

One thing that keeps coming across is that you seem to be worried about appearing kind more than you do about your future and potentially your own safety. Would you say that is a fair?

And if you are worried about staying firm and having boundaries, why would that be?

Like others have said, you need to stop answering his messages.