Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

You have only known him a year. It doesn’t sound like you live together or share expenses. If so and he is not asking you to pay for him, it is absolutely none of your business.

You’ve seen his incomings and outgoings and showed him how to budget. Support him at first then pull back. Give him 6 months to clear it. If it’s not going down each month - walk!

Where the fuck is his money going? Plus he's borrowed off friends, that would be a red flag for me.

Erm with respect, you've only been together a year. Im not sure I would expect so much probing about my finances when you initially started talking about it?

Does he know all about your finances and does he even want to, is he as interested?

I dont think 9k is a lot, perhaps he gave a throwaway number as he could tell you were quite focused on it, to shut you up?

This rings huge alarm bells for me. It's not the debt, it's the dishonesty and the unwillingness to pay it off. It wouldn't surprise me if he still hasn't be honest about the actual size of the debt, or about his salary.

I am a bit jaded - when I met my ex she told me she had debts and also told me about her salary/job prospects. It turned out to be a pack of lies - the debts were always getting worse/more of them; the salary wasn't what she'd said; the prospects were based on wishful thinking.

I do see that there's a point in a relationship when, like you, you're not responsibile for someone else's lifestyle and it would be presumptuous to judge how they manage their money. But personally, I don't see how a relationship can continue to go anywhere once someone has shown you they're not honest about their debts.

His debt is his problem, not yours to fix. That's codependency.

You sound financially incompatible and your relationship will die on that hill.

This

Also I'm wondering if the £20k salary increase is yet another lie designed to keep OP on the hook. An ex friend tried that with his newish partner, and it worked until they tried to get a mortgage together and what he really earned came out ... at which point she very sensibly dumped him, not because of the money but the lies

I also told him clearly last year that if he did not take steps to sort it out I would leave,

He hasn't sorted it so... you know what to do.....

He’s only had 1 month at the new salary. He couldn’t have been increasing his overdraft by too much month on month on the old salary, based on your figures, so he will surely turn it around now he has more money coming in (unless he has lied again about the extent of the debt).

I don't think you're making too big a deal out of this op. Having been married to someone who couldn't clear his debts and was useless with money, this would have alarm bells all over it. I understand your anxiety about it. I strongly suspect his debts are higher than he's saying and/or his salary isn't as high as he's making out either. Either way, the dishonesty would put me off.

Are you sure he’s even on that salary? 🤔 Seems odd for someone to be in that much debt and no left over money on such a high salary even with London renting etc.

An Aqua credit card is for "rebuilding" credit. Having one means he has been in a worse financial position before. Unusual for someone with a mortgage (that he is hopefully not missing payments on) and a high salary. Something does not add up.

He’ll be earning almost an extra £1000 a month from his pay-rise and he still has no money left after being paid?

What's his credit rating like? Surely he would be better getting a loan with fixed repayments. Not cheapest way to do it but it becomes predictable debt with fixed interest.

Bin him. You've already wasted a year.

In debt. In more debt or lied about original amount.

Has larger and larger income but can't clear it.

Appears to need mothering.

Yuck. Dump

The fact that he earns a good salary makes it worse not better. He is clearly living beyond his means and the OP will end up having to bail him out.

I also told him clearly last year that if he did not take steps to sort it out I would leave,

Yet you haven't...?

You met a year ago, he doesn't owe you a full financial transparency.

My boyfriend has a bit of debt, maybe £4-5k. Can’t say it’s ever bothered me tbh, we don’t share finances and the kids and mortgage are both mine alone so not his financial responsibility. I’m not sure you need to micro manage this.

Run. It is only a matter of time before he asks you for money.

That would be a deal-breaker for me. Been with someone in the past who couldn't pay his own way for holidays and such. Resentment kicks in eventually. Cut all ties and enjoy your life OP

i can’t afford to live in London. Neither can he!

^This. Borrowing money from friends is a really, really bad sign. Usually people only do this when the usual banks and credit cards are no longer available.

If you weren’t aware Aqua is a credit card for people who already have a bad credit record.

Generally people with good credit wouldn’t touch them as the rates of interest are so high. 39.9% representative. He may be paying much more.

They are also extremely litigious so I wouldn’t be surprised if he has, or is about to have, a CCJ.

You may feel sorry for him. You may not want to end things but I would end the relationship simply because he’s withheld facts and lied to you.

@SG1301 but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k).

Sorry, but he's full of shit.

Even if you're clumsy with money and have a tendency to overspend, you couldn't possibly get into debt on a colossal £65k salary unless you were cosplaying as a millionaire.

There's no way this guy earns £65k or £85k.

Is the pay rise tax/pension free?