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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

368 replies

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:46

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Allisnotlost1 · 11/02/2026 16:46

SG1301 · 11/02/2026 16:00

Yes we had discussed it for the future. No I dont think he has defaulted on his mortgage or anything. I don't know really, yes it does put me off I suppose but not sure if it's enough. Do you think I should talk to him again or leave him to have space and hopefully work it out?

I think you should probably cut your losses to be honest. It just sounds like a big incompatibility issue, both in terms of the debt itself (which I think is small in the scheme of things) and your management styles. You want to be involved and solve problems, he seemingly doesn’t. I wouldn’t be bothered about a well paid man with a bit of debt, but I’d be annoyed by a well paid man wearing primark t shirts and having no money to do anything.

cloudtreecarpet · 11/02/2026 16:54

This feels like one of those threads where the OP just wants to hear a certain answer - in this case:
"It's fine. He'll be fine. Get back together with him & the future will be rosy"

SleafordSods · 11/02/2026 17:07

cloudtreecarpet · 11/02/2026 16:54

This feels like one of those threads where the OP just wants to hear a certain answer - in this case:
"It's fine. He'll be fine. Get back together with him & the future will be rosy"

It does seem to be like that doesn’t it?

SG1301 · 11/02/2026 19:58

SleafordSods · 11/02/2026 17:07

It does seem to be like that doesn’t it?

:( I don’t mean it to sound that way. Just tricky to weigh up against other good qualities. I think it would be different if I wanted marriage or kids but I don’t want marriage and kids I’m unsure!!

OP posts:
Blueskiesandrainbows · 11/02/2026 20:08

Well if you’re not sure OP why not just see how it goes for the next six months. You have made it plain that you’re not happy with his debt and you will see if he actually makes positive moves to reduce it.
it really isn’t a huge debt in the great scheme of things as long as he can cope with repaying it, and he needs to make sure that he can do so. If he definitely has a pay rise on the horizon he should be able to comfortably reduce it.

Tree20 · 11/02/2026 20:19

Apologies if this is just repeating any other replies, I haven't gone through everything. I don't believe for a minute that he has £9k of debt. I promise you, it is likely to be a lot lot higher. One of the signs is him having an Aqua card - this is not a typical card; it has a higher rate than many other main stream carxd, and is more designed for those who don't have the best credit record, hense the higher interest. I bet he has multiple lines of credit.

Encase no one has suggested, ask him to visit the debt free wannabe section of the money saving expect website for advice. He can sort this, but he has to want to do so, and it has to be lead by him.

stillchasingdereksheppard · 11/02/2026 20:27

Ending the relationship seems dramatic to be honest. 9k in comparison to his earnings is fairly small really and I don't see why it would be a massive issue.
Fair enough if you don't want to marry him or move in together whilst he has debt but why you wouldn't want to continue with a relationship with a kind man who loves you and treats you well as he has debt of, what? Less than 10% of his annual salary is beyond me.

Either way decide if it's an issue for you or not and stop shaming him for it. Stop having 'breaks' and messing him around over something that isn't even anything to do with you at this stage. If it's a deal-breaker then throw him back in, he will find someone who will treat him better.

90sTrifle · 11/02/2026 20:36

SG1301 · 08/02/2026 19:51

For me it is also about his covering it up and saying the debt was smaller than it is - though he did admit it eventually. I also told him clearly last year that if he did not take steps to sort it out I would leave, so I don't know why it all moved in the wrong direction. I feel like I am breaking his heart but I also want him to realise the impact and worry it has caused me too. I want to be able to build a future with someone - not sure about kids - but I worry that his irresponsible traits will cause problems in the future? But maybe I am making too big a deal of it.

Yes you are!

He’s buying his own house in London, that’s no easy job. £9K debt really isn’t a big deal, especially if he’s earning £85k.

You’ve only been together a year but act like you’ve been with him 10 and about to lose the house you’ve purchased together. If I was dating you and you insisted on going through my statements to help me out, I’d be giving you the heave-ho!

SavageTomato · 11/02/2026 20:42

I'd rather be with a heroin addict than a gambler, cos they can't overdose. Physically at least. What they do instead is drag down every single person around them that they can. Every person they know becomes a cash machine. And still they never OD. Cut your lossesy and build a life not built on the whims of wankers.

2Rebecca · 11/02/2026 20:52

It’s your relationship. I would see it as a mark of us having different priorities and him not having really grown up which at age 44 is deeply unsexy

regista · 11/02/2026 21:15

You are not compatible OP, if you stick with him you would have a life of absolute misery. You are anxious at the thought of his debt, you would, in his place, have a game plan to clear it in a few months. You’d be having own brand beans and toast, he doesn’t have that in him, he’d be off down whole foods spaffing £30 on some sourdough and a gourmet salad and wondering why he can’t get debt free. He will drag you down. Get out now - send him a link to the MoneySavingExpert website and walk away, you don’t have to mummy him by going through his accounts with him, he’s a grown man who hasn’t learnt impulse control. Some people believe we marry versions of our parents…and here you are with someone who would leave you in debt. RUN!

justtheotheronemrswembley · 11/02/2026 23:19

stillchasingdereksheppard · 11/02/2026 20:27

Ending the relationship seems dramatic to be honest. 9k in comparison to his earnings is fairly small really and I don't see why it would be a massive issue.
Fair enough if you don't want to marry him or move in together whilst he has debt but why you wouldn't want to continue with a relationship with a kind man who loves you and treats you well as he has debt of, what? Less than 10% of his annual salary is beyond me.

Either way decide if it's an issue for you or not and stop shaming him for it. Stop having 'breaks' and messing him around over something that isn't even anything to do with you at this stage. If it's a deal-breaker then throw him back in, he will find someone who will treat him better.

9k isn't a massive debt in the grander scheme of things no, but someone on his salary really should not have a credit card with that much debt on it, especially not one with such an eye-wateringly high interest rate. It clearly demonstrates that he is totally incompetent with money, and has obviously such a poor credit rating he can't get any other credit. He is reckless with his spending. Someone his age on his salary and no dependents should have no need for credit card debt at all. On the contrary, he should have been able to start building up a nice nest egg.

Remembertobekind · 12/02/2026 00:12

I think you need to think about the people giving advice here. I suspect quite a lot of people saying £9k and no apparent savings at 44 is fine have quite a lot of debt themselves and they find it soothing to say it isn't a real problem. I don't have any debt and am comfortably off and I can say I think it is a big deal.

Frankly, given that he has no plan, commonly known as a budget, I think he will just meander on as he is. Don't under any circumstances let him sell his house and move in with you paying rent. When this palls you will then be in the position of kicking him out and making him homeless which will lead to endless hand wringing on your part. Whatever you do, don't marry him and put him in the position of being able to claim part of your house.

I know he's a fair way from retiring but has he got any pension provision made or he is just planning to latch on to some woman and share hers?

Person after person have warned you and yet, even with your mother's example, you still dither. Yes, a few people have said that it's not a big deal and you seize on to that. Do you really really want to repeat your mother's mistakes?

The only way that this would work - even remotely - is that you take total control of his finances, give him an allowance, and organise as speedy a repayment of his debts as possible and seeing if any lower rates etc can be negotiated and so on. This is as exhausting undertaking as you basically become his caretaker and it's hardly romantic and there is always the risk of backsliding if he's not truly on board with this plan. To put this really bluntly, why has this supposedly eligible chap not been snapped up - I'm prepared to say his hopelessness with money is probably one reason. I think he possibly got his house and mortgage under the influence of a previous girlfriend and then she got fed up with being his mother.

My mother did all the finances, planning and worrying. She looked careworn compared to my much older father who never worried about those things. When I married I particularly selected for a man with a backbone and who would take his share of the mental load. People rabbit on about shared interests and the importance of communication, sharing your feelings, a sense of humour and so on but I would put having a man who was a self-starter with nice manners and no disgusting personal habits well above those ephemeral things.

I think all these warnings are likely to be for nothing as I think you will seize on anything you can rationalise into a reason for continuing the relationship. I understand that starting over again is hard, very hard. I once spent a fair bit of time trying to be totally adorable to change a commitment phobic's mind about marriage, children etc. I was besotted and thought he was wonderful. My dad eventually told me that I had given it my best shot and asked whether this man given any sign that he was preparing to pop the question and I had to admit he hadn't. Sometimes you have to admit that hard as it is, you have to be back on the market. I met the man I married shortly afterwards and he absolutely was the right man. Looking back I can't believe how I'd wasted so much time on a man who was, in reality, a manipulative creep.

PinkBookStand · 12/02/2026 04:55

I think the increasing amount of the debt along with the fact that he has lied to you about this are clear warning signs.

Walk away.

SG1301 · 12/02/2026 21:20

thank you everyone for your advice and comments, very useful.

OP posts:
Morepositivemum · 12/02/2026 21:44

Everyone is different- I’m not great with money and to me this would be ‘ok, we need to talk to someone about tackling this’ (while actually honestly I don’t think 9k is a lot of debt), but you even thinking of ending a relationship over money means you can’t handle this, in the nicest possible way you made me feel anxious in how anxious you sound over it, Id guess from how you grew up which is fine, but you need someone on the same page.

Meteorite87 · 13/02/2026 10:37

SG1301 · 10/02/2026 22:16

it does feel insane to me too!! I've never been in debt like that and I don't come from money

@SG1301 The attitudes you and your boyfriend have to financial diligence are miles apart.

You mentioned wanting to be with someone equally "responsible" with money.

Without drastic attitude and behaviour change by your boyf, there might be repeated cycles of hidden debt and lies.

You should never have to be the one bailing him out of financial trouble.

SG1301 · 17/02/2026 19:12

Hi everyone just wanted to give an update and get your thoughts.
He says he has made a budget now with a plan to pay off £1000 a month until Christmas (bear in mind his parents have given him 3k too). He is desperate to get back together and I’ve said I need some space but he’s very upset and sending lots of messages. His emotions seem to oscillate quite wildly - apologising endlessly and saying how sorry he is, then getting cross because I haven’t got back to him quick enough or haven’t been supportive enough. I think he says things he doesn’t mean to get a reaction out of me, then regrets them and is apologetic again, saying he’d do anything to fix it etc. I’ve said I think he’s done a good step making the budget but that he needs to stick to it - he seems to think it’s just fixed everything by making this budget over the weekend. I’ve said let’s have space and then talk again, but he’s very emotional and saying he’s very depressed and sad etc. I feel awful for hurting him but I also feel like it’s another example of him not being responsible - eg not being able to regulate his emotions and responses towards me. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
soupyspoon · 17/02/2026 19:18

SG1301 · 17/02/2026 19:12

Hi everyone just wanted to give an update and get your thoughts.
He says he has made a budget now with a plan to pay off £1000 a month until Christmas (bear in mind his parents have given him 3k too). He is desperate to get back together and I’ve said I need some space but he’s very upset and sending lots of messages. His emotions seem to oscillate quite wildly - apologising endlessly and saying how sorry he is, then getting cross because I haven’t got back to him quick enough or haven’t been supportive enough. I think he says things he doesn’t mean to get a reaction out of me, then regrets them and is apologetic again, saying he’d do anything to fix it etc. I’ve said I think he’s done a good step making the budget but that he needs to stick to it - he seems to think it’s just fixed everything by making this budget over the weekend. I’ve said let’s have space and then talk again, but he’s very emotional and saying he’s very depressed and sad etc. I feel awful for hurting him but I also feel like it’s another example of him not being responsible - eg not being able to regulate his emotions and responses towards me. Am I being unreasonable?

Do you really need to ask this OP?

Did I say earlier on the thread he sounds like he's got ADHD? If I didnt, he does.

Leave it well alone.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 17/02/2026 19:22

Honestly I’d make this a permanent break. Do you want kids? Because with the time it’ll take for him to pay off his debts you could’ve got pregnant. He isn’t a good long term option.

SG1301 · 17/02/2026 19:24

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 17/02/2026 19:22

Honestly I’d make this a permanent break. Do you want kids? Because with the time it’ll take for him to pay off his debts you could’ve got pregnant. He isn’t a good long term option.

No probably not re kids but potentially, haven’t ruled it out but would have to be the right person!

OP posts:
Allisnotlost1 · 17/02/2026 19:26

SG1301 · 17/02/2026 19:12

Hi everyone just wanted to give an update and get your thoughts.
He says he has made a budget now with a plan to pay off £1000 a month until Christmas (bear in mind his parents have given him 3k too). He is desperate to get back together and I’ve said I need some space but he’s very upset and sending lots of messages. His emotions seem to oscillate quite wildly - apologising endlessly and saying how sorry he is, then getting cross because I haven’t got back to him quick enough or haven’t been supportive enough. I think he says things he doesn’t mean to get a reaction out of me, then regrets them and is apologetic again, saying he’d do anything to fix it etc. I’ve said I think he’s done a good step making the budget but that he needs to stick to it - he seems to think it’s just fixed everything by making this budget over the weekend. I’ve said let’s have space and then talk again, but he’s very emotional and saying he’s very depressed and sad etc. I feel awful for hurting him but I also feel like it’s another example of him not being responsible - eg not being able to regulate his emotions and responses towards me. Am I being unreasonable?

Oh god he sounds like too much effort. Maybe I’m just old but can you be bothered with all this, after a year? Emotionally incontinent and never has any money despite earning plenty? Come on, if you want someone to take care of get a dog.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/02/2026 19:29

Frankly he sounds like a child, @SG1301, and clearly doesn't even respect you enough to honour the space you've requested

Unfortunately words are cheap, the more so when he's already used plenty to lie repeatedly, and for me there'd be nothing worth saving even if he's "sad" about it

Carry on with this and such a type will regard it as "job done" and go right on as he's already been doing, but only you can choose

IAmKerplunk · 17/02/2026 19:57

Anybody can write down a budget. It’s sticking to it that’s the main thing.

The constant messaging and trying to get a reaction s not ok though. Bin him off.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 17/02/2026 19:58

SG1301 · 17/02/2026 19:24

No probably not re kids but potentially, haven’t ruled it out but would have to be the right person!

Well it won’t be him trust me on this one! Or you’ll be worrying he will get into debt again.

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