I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

It would also mean the children never get to spend their weekend together. I can’t see how that could be appropriate. If the current arrangements were working fine just go to court and formalise it as others have said. Sad that she won’t be reasonable but to make such a demand without any explanation of how it would not be detrimental to the children, aside from the unreasonableness of demanding tgat you change arrangements without any stated sensible reason, is clearly disruptive and unreasonable so a court should be prepared to formalise the status quo.

Yanbu

Honestly your DH needs to go to court and get a contact order.

Poor kids...

So she gets to spend time with them 1:1 and together as part of a family unit but your DH only gets one at a time .
Tell her to f off and it's hugely abusive and manipulative to stop contact cos shes having a tantrum .

Have you missed the bit where the OP said her DH couldn’t drive for medical reasons, that the children’s mum has moved away a few times, further away each time.

Have you missed the bit where the children now go to their Dad’s from Friday after school and dropped back to school Monday morning eow. Their Mum now wants one child to visit each weekend but from early Saturday morning until Sunday morning. She’s being unreasonable. The children’s Dad needs to go to court and formalise arrangements.

Im surprised this hasn't been in court already when she moved further away considering your DH can't drive and that was bound to make weeknights unavailable for contact.
How exactly was he planning on seeing his children if you weren't playing chauffeur every other weekend?

He needs to get a court order set up and everything formalised. I agree it doesn't sound like splitting the children up for contact would be in anyone's best interest.

How dare you call the op a bitch. You're awful. Youre just desperate to give a step parent a good kicking.

If she wants 1:1 time she can arrange childcare or an activity for one child during her periods with the children. This is what I do as a lone parent. Her desire for 1:1 time should have zero impact on the children’s contact with their father, it’s a totally separate issue, and it certainly should not prevent the children ever spending a weekend together or having any time together with their father at all. She seems to be in cloud cuckoo land.

I would offer an extra weekend q month in which you have 1 of them. Its always best to compromise.

Just to add that anytime there are stepchildren unless you are very lucky there will always be some batting back and forth by the parents, after all they did separate.
But anyone who goes into a relationship with someone with children needs to understand that they come first. However messed about you are it is not the children's fault.
Saying you want time to yourself and so wont agree to her changing things may be understandable but first and foremost you should be backing up what dad wants to do. The children were there before you.

No, but I feel like most of the thread have missed that this man sees his children four days a month and is happier not seeing them at all than giving up more "childfree time."

He's a shit father.

Four days ?

See them friday, saturday, sunday, every two weeks

LOL

what do parents who have their kids full time do when they’ve got things to do with their kids!?! They get on with it .

imagine not wanting your kids every weekend because you’ve got stuff to do

I’ll never be on board with any thread where dad and his new wife only want EOW. Shameful

Sounds like his ex has worked out she's getting a bum deal parenting for 12 days out of 14 and fancies sharing the joy with the other parent

Agree. The comment that was from that poster seemed unhinged and was totally inappropriate. It seems that some people cannot assess a situation without projecting their own issues onto it.

In this situation it’s seems clear that the resident parent is being completely unreasonable to both the children and the non-resident parent as she’s provided no plausible explanation for this demand to change arrangements in a way which would have a detrimental impact not just on their relationship with their other parent but also their relationship with each other as siblings.

Yes, usually it is the resident parent stitched up, but that doesn’t mean that is always the case and here there is no evidence of that at all.

Oh you're right, five days (since Friday is after school) a month is stellar parenting. He's wonderful.

Well, it seems their Mum is pretty shit too.

But what she's offering would be even less time with the kids.

She's suggested early Sat morning to early Sun morning every weekend, but only one child at once so on a month with 4 weekends, each child will have 2 days with their father instead of 2xFriday evening to Monday morning.

It's also doubling the amount of driving that OP has to do and the two children don't get to see each other on a Saturday ever.

So if you dont think friday is a full day because of school, thats the same for the mother every week

I think the title of this thread is quite harsh. You seem a good step mum but the title reads harshly.

I think it’s a bad idea to separate the siblings every weekend, as per Mum’s suggestion, so for at reason alone, YANBU. The rest of it is somewhat just noise compared to that consideration.

I think the occasional weekend, or pair of weekends, maybe a couple of times a year, where you each have a weekend with one of the boys for some 121 time is a great idea. Even to facilitate a solo trip with each of them maybe?

But siblings shouldn’t be spending all their weekends apart.

I also think it’s a badly titled thread though.

Sounds like their mum is struggling. Could/should your husband be doing more in terms of childcare during the week? Maybe they could each alternate an extra Wednesday night at yours. EOW is nothing really.

But this is all his responsibility. You would be unreasonable to stand in the way of him seeing his kids just because you like child-free time, but you're not unreasonable to refuse to take the whole logistical burden on yourself.

SC and their mum may want to spend weekend time together though. If they’re in school this would mean all their ‘fun time’ is spent with dad and mum has limited quality time.

I do think it’s a shame when the parents live so far apart that one parent ends up not being able to any of the after school and before school stuff. And kids have to be away from their friends hobbies etc on the NRP’s weekend.

But both parents should always have some weekend time with them, so it’s never fair if one parent gets all the weekends - all the quality time! Whilst the other does all the weekday grind.

This is a good idea but OP did say the mum has moved away with the kids so maybe not practical logistically.