I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

And the mother sees them when?

I think you need to get the whole thing legally organised if possible, then everyone knows where they are.

Is she allowed to move away? (Genuine question)

Is it possible and if so how long for your DH to do the journey via public transport?

Oh ffs.

My exh has our kids EOW and I wouldn’t agree to him taking them away for 10 days either. It’s too long. Likewise I wouldn’t take them away for 10 days.

It becomes the dad’s issue if she refuses to drive though.

He needs a court order to stop her pissing around like this. They’re both lucky to have OP.

😂😂😂

They’re away from their dad for ten days a fortnight…

Any parent who threatens to withhold contact unless they get their way is a poor parent. Court order if you have to buy don't do as she requests on this. I'd like to hope a court order would include the fact that she must do the driving back and fore to facilitate contact but don't know if that's enforceable.

Bloody hell. He sees his kids 4 full days a month and that's only because you pick them up and drop them off!

Fuck that

It should be about what the children would prefer and it sounds as though they are happy with the existing arrangement. Your OH should (and I’m sure already has, pointed this out to her).

Your DH should write to the mum saying that the current set up has worked for X years, you enjoy spending quality time with both boys at the same time, and the boys get on well together so it wouldn't be in their best interest to spend time apart each week, and therefore you would like to continue the current arrangement which works well.

I would then say that you you feel saddened that she is threatening you with no contact if you don't agree to what she want as that also wouldn't be in the best interest of the kids.

I would then say that as the happiness and stability of the boys needs to come first, that you will be carrying on with the samw arrangement.

Send with proof of postage and keep a copy.

If she cuts contact then I would consider taking it to court and going for full custody!

Moving an hour away when she knows your DH doesnt drive due to medical reasons was mean!

The childcare related help benefits both parents, allowing them to work and reduces the childcare bills. It isn’t just benefitting the mum is it? Bit misogynistic to suggest it is.

Tax free childcare and some free childcare hours are available to a lot of families not just those on benefits or single parents. My friend and her husband earn about 80k between them and use tax free childcare.

My children are school age, I own my house with a mortgage, HTH 👍

So mum never has them on a weekend? That is ridiculous.

It sounds like you need a court order to set out EOW as at present and also holidays/Christmas/birthdays etc, plus her persistent relocation (to stop her moving 3+ hours away to make contact much harder). A bit of one on one time might be nice though - perhaps all bank holiday Mondays?

He needs to go to court and get access arrangements formalized so that the ex can’t dick him around anymore. But really the time to do this was when she first wanted to move away given Dad can’t drive for medical reasons, why on earth did he just roll over and let her take his kids away when he isn’t able to drive?

And have no child free time? She should do that if she’s a mug!

Yes I agree. A judge should look pretty poorly on this behaviour

You do realise many of us work hard but have our dc every weekend - this is a bs reason. Dc wellbeing should be the priority, always. They were there before you. You seemed so determined to focus on the inconvenience.

That’s their dads’ choice. He could see them during the week if he wanted. I do not want to be apart from my children for 10 days.

I’m pointing out that those benefits are only available to one parent. If dad has them 6 nights a fortnight and mum has 8, dad isn’t entitled to any childcare support on his days. Same for any UC or housing benefit - all goes to the parent with the most overnights.

Because she has her dc with little support from the dad so affording childcare and working full time may not be plausible… but we don’t know if this is the case at all.

We aren’t going to get an objective answer from op. We only hear her side. I can imagine a dozen reasons why she moved - my top four are: to be closer to family support now she is raising kids on her own; for work; cheaper housing; fresh start or move back to an area she knows well.

And why did Dh roll over and accept it? Use your imagination. He didn’t care enough about seeing his kids easily to object. He pays his £58 a week and does his best Disney dad act whilst his new partner does the driving for him.

He isn't trying that hard if he told her no negotiations. I'd walk over hot coals to see my DC. If I was your DH I would have been at the school gates to pick them up on the Friday, not sitting back sulking because I hadn't got what I wanted. The mother is just as bad stopping all contact because she isn't getting her way. There are 2 children in the middle of 2 stubborn people refusing to negotiate. Very poor form on both sides.

Why wouldn't you "allow" over 7 days? I get it's hard to miss the kids, but then any long distance holidays would be out of the question and the experience of the kids limited by parental imposed restrictions.

I asked for max 7 days up to a certain age, but after that 2 weeks is perfectly acceptable!