I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

No assumptions. OP said the ex’s moves were a want not a need. And I read the OP’s comments as valuing their child free time because DH has had to rearrange his life around a significant and worsening health condition. He works full time and possibly EOW facilitates him being able to properly engage with his kids when he sees them.

DH has a chronic and degenerative health condition - significant enough for his ex to be concerned about his ability to care for the children properly during access times. He also works full time and supports his kids. If he moved away, how likely do you think it is that he would find alternative work with an employer sympathetic to his condition ? Not very, l’d say.

If I was the one to move away with children, I think it would be up to me to facilitate their other parent having reasonable access. I’d have to accept that it wouldn’t be as convenient as if I’d stayed nearby. I think considering the children’s needs should be forefront. The step mum has been transporting the children as their dad can’t, and their mum won’t. Doesn’t seem very fair.

And why so much criticism of dad? If school was local to him, he could have had the children 50/50 and not paid maintenance. He’d probably have been criticised for that by some posters.

I actually agree that the mum should be doing atleast half of the travel. But if she won’t then looking at moving for the sake of the children could be something to look into.

just because one parent may not be being child centred does not mean the other should play tit for tat

Which parent do you think is not child centred and who do you think is playing tit for tat ?

If the mum has moved three times in the last few years (each time further from her children's father) then I'd be worried that she would do this again the minute OP and her DH uprooted their lives and moved closer.

This. And that’s assuming it even possible/practical for the OP and her DH to sell up, buy a new house and find new jobs.

We don’t know why she has moved. Trust me people some times have no choice.

a mixture it seems like. Neither of them seem to be thinking of the children and to focused on either their new relationships or their lives outside being a parent.

Yes, the OP and her DH are much too focused on trying to arrange their lives around the children’s dad having a chronic and degenerative health condition, while ex flits around the country on a whim without a second thought for her kids relationship with their disabled father. You’re very good at ignoring facts OP has provided in favour of your own version of events and you still haven’t explained what you mean by tit for tat.

You are not being unreasonable and shame she has requested it BUT if she has been reasonable ish over the years maybe the 1-1 reasoning is a bit more. Could there be a round table discussion / negotiate for example one month of doing it that way one month the normal way / come to an agreement where turns are taken to drop them … if that doesn’t work and a resolution can’t be agreed I think best to pursue the court order. Regardless though, it’s not right she is now withholding the kids from seeing their dad, that’s really damaging to them and also not fair on you both who evidently care for them, sorry you’re experiencing this!

How can that work, seeing them during the week if dad doesn't drive and he and OP both work and likely don't finish work til 5-6 and it's an hours drive?