I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

Seems a bit weird to make this the new way so the kids wouldn’t spend time together with each other at the wkends at all. That would def be a strange set up. There obviously is a reason she’s asking so why is she not sharing as it may change things.

If you DH is not opposed to the idea fully then maybe there’s a compromise. You do as normal and then once every 6-8 wks (or whatever is agreed) u have one child each and then switch the following weekend.

He may be better getting a court order though as sounds like she thinks she decides and he has to go along with it.

if she moved nearer it would be more possible to actually maybe do more than every other week but with school especially it won’t work for any mid week or similar

Before he met you OP how did he see his kids as he doesn’t drive?

they lived nearer but she has moved 3 times each time further

This isn’t your fault. But your DH really isn’t stepping up as a father. His long working hours, the fact she left him, or that he pays maintenance are irrelevant. None of that changes the reality that there are children who need caring for every single day of the year.

Having them for two days a fortnight is frankly shocking. Their mum has them over 80% of the time, and he should be doing a lot more.

Everyone's an arsehole

She unreasonable for unilaterally changing the contact and using the kids as a weapon to get her own way. She is only punishing her own children by stopping contact.

Your H is an arsehole for letting her move and repeatedly disrupt the kids. He could have got a prohibited steps order. He should have got a court order when she was acting like she has the final say on contact. She didn't make the kids alone. You Hs inaction is a huge problem. She's dictating because he's allowed her to dictate.

Everyone should be working in the best interest of the kids. That means putting their own needs above your wants. That means 1:1 in her case and a quite life / conflict aversion in his case.

what do parents who have their kids full time do when they’ve got things to do with their kids!?! They get on with it .

Well neither parent has the kids full time so your point is irrelevant.

I’ll never be on board with any thread where dad and his new wife only want EOW. Shameful

I'll never be on board with any parent who threatens to withhold contact unless they get their own way. Disgusting.

If I were you I would simply say you are happy to do the driving every fortnight. If she wants to change the arrangement she has to do the driving on the additional weeks. And that you will go to court if this cannot be resolved.

Some of these responses are wild. Every other weekend and holidays in my opinion is a good arrangement - and clearly one that’s been working for yous. It gives both parents weekend family time and the children time to enjoy at both homes. There’s also nothing wrong with you both enjoying a child free weekend I’m sure most parents do?! I would advise trying to have it ordered through court and as it’s been working for a number of years it shouldn’t be a problem. Also £500 maintenance sounds fair unless your OH is a really high earner, child maintenance isn’t supposed to cover the full cost of raising children!

The whole thing is pathetic, a mother threatening to withhold her kids from seeing their dad and a dad who sees his kids 2 nights out of 14 and complaining because he wants some alone time with his wife.
As usual, the kids suffer.

What she’s proposing just makes life as hard as possible for OP - no full family time together, but a two hour round trip every single Saturday and Sunday and never a child-free day off.

He needs to go to court though.

The mum is the one controlling contact. She refused more during holidays, and moved an hour away limiting any weekday contact. She also refuse to do any of the commuting.

The only point I agree with is the dad should have done more, by getting a court order to prevent her from being so unreasonable.

Definitely go to court.

Because she is totally unreasonable pulling contact, trying to dictate split contact, refusing reasonable time for holidays, moving miles away.

None of that is putting the children first. And she has another 10 years to keep this up. Hope a judge stops her nonsense.

Yup my kids dad is eow and I have 2 one with ASD and one NT. It's exhausting and I still have to do either pick up or drop off - but it changes weekly based on their schedule 🫠 Very tiring

Hold tight. At 8 and 10 they’ll soon be begging to go and see their dad and she’ll have to give in.

In the meantime get a solicitor to write a letter to her, make moves to start mediation and keep communication with her civil and mature so you have proof of dh’s good intentions to carry on seeing them as normal.

Wow, some posters clearly will defend a mum at all costs.

meanwhile in the real world, op please seek mediation with a view on going to court. I’d send the letter a pp suggested up thread.

you could also use the contact order to get things like Christmas birthdays and holidays set in stone.

Terrible advice. She’s disrupted the arrangement everyone was happy with, so get it to court as soon as you’re able before it’s been weeks (months) of him not seeing them at all, thus meaning the previous arrangements are no longer the status quo, and therefore harder to argue for at court.

He has to try mediation first anyway so I’d make a referral immediately and get his application off as soon as the mediator has signed it (if you don’t agree something in meantime).

Lids, deserve one on one time with their dad, it's not their fault, their dad has tons of kids to different people

You definitely shouldn’t give up the current weekend set up but maybe give her the option of you having one on their own during some of her weekends so you get the one on one time.

you should push for more holiday time though , you should be able to do a 10 day holiday

I disagree that this is a terrible idea, why wouldn’t your DH want to spend one on one time with his children? I’d maybe suggest a combination of time together at yours, time together at hers, and one each on a four weekly basis.

The only issue is that you’re doing the driving but this arrangement gives you more time to recover and if DH doesn’t drive it sounds like you’re doing that anyway

A lot of parents work hard and have their children 100% of the time. I have to agree with others that 6 nights a month isn’t really great. And a summer holiday yes it’s nice but is EOW really enough? Doesn’t your DH want to see them more?

Not sure I agree about splitting the kids though.

I hope you mean OP’s dh is a crap dad, as that’s what I get from the post.

Also… I drive 1 hour and 20 mins to work every morning. an hour really isn’t that much if it’s to see your kids.

I know it’s not your fault OP btw, but your H seems like a bare minimum dad

It’s not defending mums at all cost at all. Nobody is claiming the mum is going about things in the right way.
It’s about refusing to accept that men like the OP’s DP are dads of the year when all he is doing is the bare minimum. What kind of dad is happy seeing his kids so little? Certainly not a good one

@ImthedriverSo bottom line is that ex has called the shots on contact long term. The current term time arrangement in the circumstances seems reasonable given her choices and distance. Holidays less so. Court would expect the transport to be shared between parties and would also be asking the dc what they would prefer.
Her proposed arrangement increases full days to 8 per month total but only 4 nights v current arrangement of 4 full days and 6 nights. Is she thinking about going to CMS maybe? Which calculates on nights.
Definitely not down to you to provide more transport than you do now. You could suggest just one child come on the first of the two weekends and both on the second, alternate months per child? And maybe increase in school holidays with a mix of one and both?
No ideal solutions but you stand firm on the driving.