I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

What are you on about??!

Don’t split them x

Did your dh say no first, or did he meekly turn to you and ask if you'd do the driving every week?

We work longer hours in the week to ensure we don’t have to work at weekends so that we can have this set up

EOW and 1 holiday a year isn’t loads of time - it’s the bare minimum.

I agree 2 sides to every story. Is the mum struggling? Kids arguing/not getting along? If she has said NC there must be more to it.

How much maintenance does your dh pay just out of interest?

How selfish. I hope it backfires on her. So determined to be in control is she, that she is prepared to hurt and upset her own children.

I'd take her to court as she's threatening him with him having no contact with the kids if she doesn't get what she wants. Take to mediation and then do the C100 form.

£500 per month

Your argument needs to be focused on what’s best for the dc rather than what’s most convenient for you. That said, I wouldn’t agree with splitting the dc - it’s important for them to stay together imo. She can’t argue with “that’s not in the best interests of the Dc”.

the fact you drive and dh can’t really isn’t the mum’s issue. And eow is bare minimum parenting. Throw in £250 a month per dc - bet the mum spends more than that on them.

You should have them both, every weekend. Why doesn’t he want to see his kids? Every other weekend is pathetic.

If I was the mother I would never choose this. I want weekend time with my children also.

Because we have a balance we work hard and the weekend they are not here we have to do other things

Yanbu and it's not in the children's best interests to never see each other at the weekends. Get a court order to affirm the existing EOW pattern.

Seems odd to split them up ? Does she have valid reasons for this? I wouldn’t imagine it would be in their best interests & I doubt court would agree to it unless substantial reasons. EOW is standard set up especially as she’s moved and school is an hour away. Maybe offer time in the holidays to have them separately?

Bet the mum is handsomely supported with benefits…

She isn’t open to more time In school holiday last year we Wanted to do 10 day holiday she said no and only 7. At Christmas dh wanted a week he didn’t mind Xmas or new year week she only allowed 3 days

No that's not fair. The mum needs the quality non-stressy weekend time with the kids too.

OP's DH should have the kids during the week for a fair share of the school holidays though. Obviously some of which they will have to be in holiday clubs assuming he has 5.6 weeks of annual leave but half the school holidays would be 7 weeks.

Does mum drive? If she is the one who has moved away several times and Dad can't drive for medical reasons it seems unreasonable of her to not do any of the travel. And yes he should be having them more but I'm guessing that's not really workable due to her moving them so far away!

I don't think it's at all reasonable her suggestion. No reason they have to be separated every single weekend.

I'd offer some other options eg in the school holidays some set days where they have a day each 1:1. Me and my ex sometimes do this. Eg in the 6 weeks holidays we will book in 4 dates where we each give each child two special one to one days with each of us.

1:1 time is nice but I don't think it means you have to completely rearrange the weekends if the kids are happy with them?

Also will her timings of these new suggested weekends mean much less overnights at dads meaning more maintenance?

I can't quite figure out WHY she's proposed this tbh. It doesn't really make any sense. Plus it's not nice to just completely halt the contact when dad has said no to the new suggestion.

What makes you say that? i’m a single mum with 2 kids the same age and my UC top is £170 a month. Hardly “handsomely supported”.

£500 is a decent amount of maintenance but EOW is still pitiful tbh.

Yes she drives but refuses (except the times like Xmas that she’s refused us longer then she will come to get them). In all honesty I am a doormat wanting to keep things calm and easy for them so they don’t see their parents disagreeing

yabvu

She’s dealing with both children on her own

exdh pays her only £58 per week per child, from that she’s paying for everything? Or is exdh paying for trips and clubs and clothes and shoes and swimming lessons and so on?

Presumably she moved away to follow work and a cheaper lifestyle? And you judge her for feeling lonely, whilst your adamant you’re going to defend your lifestyle?

were you the OW?

It is the mum's issue unfortunately, in that her co-parent can't drive and she moved an hour away.

Plus child benefit and the extra rooms allowance to housing benefits if you’re in social housing or private rent? Plus the free childcare hours if under school age, plus tax free childcare, free school meals from next year… All things the non-resident parent doesn’t get.

I find it so sad when people use their children as weapons to spite one another. In this case I think it’s time to take the matter to court and get a formal arrangement.

No she left dh for someone she worked with . He has done nothing wrong at all.
its informal with other costs we get things as as and when needed if they are with us eg they say ‘oh trainers feel small’ we get a new pair etc etc not set just when needed if asked or if they are with us