I have refused to let DSS here every weekend

[ImthedriverSo]

AIBU - looking for thoughts.

DH has 2 ds ages 8 and 10

For years he’s had the system with ex we have them every other weekend fri aft school and drop them to school on the Monday (well I pick up and drop off as dh doesn’t drive it’s an hour each way!)

This is mutual agreement not a court order.

His ex now wants to change that we have them separately - one each weekend and for me to pick up early sat and drop back Sunday morning.

I’ve said no I won’t facilitate. so dh has said no and she is saying no contact then! It has been left in a sour way as he told her no negotiations just that we will get a court order to stick to what we’ve always done.

We like to have more time with them . They like to do the same things - together.
Plus we love our childfree time too. But now dh very down as this weekend we were meant to have them .

AIBU to have said I won’t facilitate this ? It seems a big step back. Less time for them with dh too of its weekly how she wants ???

They don't want them 50/50 though. They are happy with the arrangement so stop trying to make out otherwise.

Many of us have an issue with parents being ok with having their kids being EOW, especially whey they consider that to be 'lots of time', as the OP does. And this scenario is one where they are happy with it and it suits them and they think it's lots of time. The OP said so herself.

So whether the ex made it harder by moving away is besides the point seeing as they didn't want 50/50 and don't want 50/50. If he had them them 50/50 before or had been more involved he had options where he could have blocked the move, but he wasn't and didn't want them more than EOW so he didn't.

She didn't use the word cheating so I wasn't sure. As I said some people don't see emotional cheating as cheating, and some make assumptions that someone has left for someone else if the relationship starts soon after. Yes it could be clearer, if she had said the word cheating, and if she had said that I wouldn't have said it wasn't clear. Hope that clears that up (again!!)

No, the OP isn't trying to make out EOW is the exes fault, but you are, repeatedly, over and over again, blaming her for something that isn't her fault and that the OP doesn't blame her for either, for no other reason than to add weight to your argument just because some people don't agree with you.

I have chronic illnesses myself so completely understand the importance of rest and recuperation, I don't get any though 😅 neither do tons of parents who have chronic illnesses, as I said earlier if it was a mother and she was able to work full time and then needed rest and recuperation and could only see her kids EOW then people would say she didn't have her priorities straight.

They're at school most of the time. I hardly see my 10 year old he's up in his room. The current arrangement makes more sense than the first weekend they have only 1 child for 24 hrs and then the other child the weekend after for 24 hrs. It's not practical for the op to be driving up and down and his ex has not said she can't cope with them both together. She is trying to be difficult for some reason. The op has said they get on well together so why split them apart?

I don't know all the reasons behind it but she changed her mind on the second day and let them go and anyway the OP said they're now going to court.

No, the OP isn't trying to make out EOW is the exes fault, but you are, repeatedly, over and over again, blaming her for something that isn't her fault and that the OP doesn't blame her for either, for no other reason than to add weight to your argument just because some people don't agree with you.

Not once have l said EOW is ex’s fault, never mind repeatedly. It was a mutual agreement that clearly suited both parties. What l have said is unreasonable, and entirely on the ex, is moving their children a two hour round trip away from their absent parent, and then refusing to share the driving. It also prevents OP and her DH seeing the children during the week - yes, they may not want that now for reasons already stated, but it’s taken it off the table permanently because of an unmanageable school run the ex created.

My point is, and always has been that it’s unreasonable to propose one child at a time every other weekend. It’s less time than they have now, and would mean DH never sees his kids together. The issue of mid week contact arose because posters were saying that EOW, and even every weekend wasn’t enough, and my question was how are they supposed to facilitate that when the school run is four hours a day, ex refuses to share the driving, and only OP drives. That situation was created by the ex and several posters agreeing that no reasonable resident parent would move so far away from the absent parent because apart from anything else, it’s not in the best interests of the children.

And OP didn’t need to use the word ‘cheating’. What she was saying was perfectly clear to everyone else on the thread. As in His ex left him for someone else. He received diagnosis and she was very unhappy , she began a relationship with a colleague.. And No she left dh for someone she worked with. Pretty clear to me that she cheated. If hair splitting was an Olympic event you’d be the gold medalist !!

@DotAndCarryOne2
I think you'd be right up there on the podium 😂

Anyway maybe the ex can move back and live right around the corner and then the dad can have them 50/50 even though that would upset the balance.

I'm unfollowing this thread now so I'll leave you to your gold.

But the ex isn’t offering more, or agreeing to more when they ask for extra days in the holidays. She limits it to a week, when Dad wants more etc . She’s actually tried to keep the same..as in each child EOW but only one at a time, because she says she thinks he can’t cope with both. So it’s not about patting him on the back..it’s about getting the ex to stick to at least the original agreement.

Could an alternative be suggested that the arrangement stays the same but every 3 mths ir 6mths this runs for 2 wks? I think it's strange but I suppose if she has them the majority of the time in can sort of see the rational. With no contact, no one is happy are they?

So you’d be happy to never have your kids on a weekend so that the other parent could see them more? Not all parents are able to - or want - to have time through the week and, in the majority of cases, it’s the mother/primary carer who has adjusted their working life around being able to care for the children, has always done so and is the one able to continue doing so in the event of separation. It also provides stability for the children at a time of upheaval.

How would that work when the OP and her DH live so far from the children’s school?

Op has dh considered moving closer to his children?

So his ex can move again? He has a chronic illness so as well as the other practicalities there's a good chance he might be under a particular consultant so he would risk having to start again elsewhere.

i have had to move 3 times in 2 years (one being 60 miles away) with a chronic illness.

surely being closer to your children and limiting travel when you have a chronic health issue should be something to consider. This way he could see his dc for shorter frequent bursts of time if tiredness is a factor. There is no way of knowing that ex will move again. We also don’t know why she did in the first place . She may be settled now.

If it's 2 weekends every 6 mths then I think it could work.

The problem with him moving is it’s then taking him further away from his work and increasing that work day which isn’t ideal with a chronic illness. If he uses PT he might have a really long day.
The ex could have thought at some point it was a bad idea moving away instead.

Bye

…and if she really is being awkward and it costs OP and her husband £thousands to sell and buy a different house nearer to her and she up sticks again…..?
What then ?

I was asking if it was an option

she has hasn’t said whether or not it is possible. If ex is settled and this is now a permanent home for her then it is something to look into. Only op can answer if this is something that is an option not random people.

I wonder if all the people trying to ‘solve’ the problem by suggesting intricate Week 1 to Week 6, 8, infinity, solutions should consider becoming Family Court Magistrates ?

So upheaval on all fronts then. He’s ill, has to move at his ex’s whim. Meaning he has to change GP, hospital, consultant, and generally disrupt his healthcare because his ex is prone to moving around on a whim. And what happens if she moves again, is he just supposed to follow her and keep uprooting his whole family ? A court order to stop her moving further away is what’s needed. No responsible parent would do this, it’s unreasonable.

do you know why she moved? Some people have no choice but to move. Some people get priced out of areas, get evicted, have to move for jobs. You are making a lot of assumptions about a women you know nothing about whilst defending a man who you know very little about and ignoring some pretty poor comments his wife has made about valuing their time over the kids.

My Dad was chronically ill and any sort of upheaval or stress could make him worse. Expecting him to uproot and move could end up making his illness worse.

As said I have severe chronic illnesses. I have moved 3 times in two years because I had no other choice. This situation seems to be causing the ops dh stress anyway I am just thinking of ways that could maybe help.

The point is, ex didn’t have to move. Being closer to your children when you have a chronic and degenerative health condition is definitely something to consider. So why didn’t ex consider that before she moved ? Why should it be on OP and DH to chase her round the country every time she moves further away ?

This!