Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

Holy fuck

looks around own home, mortified

Seriously? You should see my bedside table...

I say this kindly OP, the original pike was absolutely fine.
It is DHs home and he can live in the way he wants just as much as you.

I have known a lot of couples who split up because one is controlling/OCD/likes things a certain way and it’s such a shame when otherwise everything is ok,

I would perhaps try and get some help (even just on here or ChatGPT) so it doesn’t become a bigger issue.

Would your DH mind if you just straightened it/removed the black plug thing and paracetamol box if it bothers you so much? Or tidied it away? That's what I would do - I love for our bedroom to be a sanctuary and clutter-free, so I end up tidying away DH's dirty clothes, etc. I don't mind as he does so much else around the house - he just seems to have a blind spot when it comes to the bedroom!

It’s the way it’s “arranged”. If it was tidier or the books were aligned it might be different. I’m very tidy and organised. To me that looks like a dumping ground. Exaggerating for effect? To whom? I’m tidy. That mess wouldn’t suit me. That’s my preserve

It's his bedside table and it's not even a massive pile. I think it's fair to let him do what he wants in his own space.

If only my side of the bed was this tidy!

I just think everyone has different perspectives on mess. I can see why you think it's messy and I think it's messy but it wouldn't bother me. I'm quite messy. My husband is tidier than me and I'm more tidy because of him because I don't want to annoy him. I've noticed if he goes away for a weekend I'm a lot messier.

Can you get a basket for it? Grouping things into containers helps things feel less messy.

Good lord of you think that's bad......you do not want to see my bedroom as it currently is 😬😳🫠 (I do actually have day off work tomorrow and yes I will be very much forcing myself to sort my shit out! 😫)

Honestly I don't think that's bad at all. I mean I understand if you're very much more the tidy one and clutter stresses you out, my partner is the same, he can't stand stuff looking cluttered (that's going to be an interesting experience when we move in together 😱😂)

No wonder the poor man is getting heartburn 😐

I love that you recognise what is going on and know how to deal with it and I love that your Dh is reactive to it.

FWIW, I also need organisation but can’t. That part of me is broken so I admire how hard you must work to keep on top of it.

What's the point of that? Won't that look even more untidy and be tripped over?

Yes!

Several people have said they would hate their partners to tidy up their stuff - I love it when my partner tidies my stuff. I am incapable of even developing a system, my drawers and desk are chaos. But if someone wants to develop the system and tidy up for me, amazing. I would love to have a little robot who could put things away then get them back out again when I need them. My approach to tidying is to just hide things where they can't be seen or found.

😂

😂

I think it looks messy and it would annoy me. I am autistic and have a similar way of thinking to you - I cannot function if things are a mess and everything has to be clean and tidy or I get very stressed. DH is the opposite and has the Piles of Doom type ADHD. I try and block it out but occasionally I have to make him sort things, which like your DH, he is happy to do. He just doesn’t ‘see’ mess like I do but I understand that and so does he.

Your mileage may vary. It completely depends on what her husband is happy or not happy with and what works for both of them as a couple. If he feels as you feel then obviously it's not a solution. Assuming he doesn't care either way (and I have no current reason to suppose he does), then everyone's happy.

It looks awful to me and would stress me out.

’Filthy’ 😶

However, congratulations to the @MessOrNotMess on her fabulous DP, I don’t mean that snarkily! (Indeed, my late partner was the same. He was beginning to succeed in domesticating me.)

The photos are like a love story in three acts 💞

What the actual heck are you talking about? That is not clutter. It’s life. Why have a table if you’re not allowed to put anything on it? Genuinely curious.

That was what struck me. Actually, more than that, it kind of freaked me out.

I can't imagine living in a home with surfaces like that unable to be used. It must be like dwelling in an operating theatre.

On my bedside table I always have:
-a lamp for soft lighting,
-at least one novel/short story, and a history/biography to dip into before sleeping. But possibly several of each in, yes, a pile! These are often on the lower shelf.
-usually my phone at night
-often a scented candle or lovely hand and body cream to rub on before bed. I like the Diptique ones, which I also find attractive packaging, but anything both attractively presented and nice quality.
-a small vase of flowers, at this time of year some early spring flowers, but often mixed roses, ideally floppy, old fashioned varieties and they are welcome to drop petals prettily. I change the vase to suit, but always something pretty.
-a couple of small silver trinket boxes to pop any jewellery I have been wearing in, or a note with a short to do list, or some other small thing.
-usually something to do with my dc. At the moment it's a small craft item one made for me. But sometimes it might be a recent photo of them, or a birthday card they gave me or similar.

All this brings me a lot of joy. I just cannot imagine a barren surface in my own intimate space.

I'm wondering, op, if you can try seeing things (and they needn't be clutter) as celebrating various facets of your life, or that of your DH? It might help you in that I get the sense you are almost afraid of them in a kind of puritanical way.

It’s cluttered and would bother me a bit, but it’s not an ‘absolute mess’, no.

It’s perfectly normal for me. I have many things on my bedside table - books,
sleepband, calm carry hand thingy, water, hand cream, magnesium balm, hair scrunch, Kirby grips, neom pod, the list goes on and it’s not even a big bedside table - it’s a cabinet thingy.
These are all things I 100% need every night 🤣

That would be normal/ quite tidy in our house ( on both bedside tables.)
I don't mostly look at DHs side