Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

Indigestion pills - you don’t say.

Oppressive and weird, OP, sharpen up. Or that pile will contain a divorce leaflet.

If it bothers you and he is a good person why not mention it and say that you wish it didn't bother you.
I am the opposite to you and my bedside table is as your photo times 4, to my shame. My husband is tolerant, but if he asked me to tidy it I would (try to). Your husband may not mind at all if you ask him to put the books etc away.
I voted YANBU, even though I am very untidy (and would love not to be so).

I’m not ADHD or OCD and that would drive me nuts. I do work in design though and am way too much of a perfectionist. I just like having clear spaces. But I have come to accept that’s a ‘me’ thing and my husband is unbothered by any type of clutter - so I have had to adapt within reason like you. He’s super considerate so unless there’s literally dirty clothes lying on the floor, I don’t say anything. My own bed side table or spaces for myself are my little sanctuaries - that’s what I suggest; make those for yourself and focus on those x

This wouldn’t bother me. It’s free of dust and it’s in a pile. I will admit that small crumpled up piece of paper would drive me nuts and I’d have to chuck it into the bin

I'm 💯 with you! That would annoy me particularly near the bed as I want a calm clean space. But I accept I’m probably in the minority on this!

The 'mess' was on his bedside table, he isn't making others live with his mess. Why should he have to live with her standards, nothing on the bedside table? Can we assume that this woman pays all the bills associated with running a house, giving her the final say on everything?

Nothing wrong with it at all. But also, it’s his bedside table so I think that’s something he should be able to do with it as he sees fit.

I like things tidy , everything in its place and a place for everything but this photo you’ve posted doesn’t bother me .
I might stack the books / magazines from large to small and then leave it .
He might need the indigestion remedy during the night so I’d leave it there .
My bedroom is clean and tidy but I have hand cream , foot cream and a coaster for my glass of water on the bedside table , the other side if the bed has a book , pen and notebook

I might stack the books / magazines from large to small and then leave it

It would annoy me if someone rearranged my stuff like that. I would have things stacked in the order I wanted and would know where everything was in the pile.

It looks messy to me (AuDHD), however as it's his space I wouldn't mind. I like to keep my space, desk etc tidy, and shared spaces too, but DH's areas are however he wants them

I think we might be the same person OP- I could have written your post.

I also have ADHD and have become incredibly ’clenched’ about being tidy. I’m quite ‘all or nothing’ and fear that if I let things slide, chaos will ensue. (I also have some characteristics of ASC but haven’t had an assessment.)

My OH sounds just like yours too. He is not outrageously messy but certainly tolerates clutter far better than I do, and he does makes efforts to keep on top of things when I let him know that the ‘stuff’ is making me anxious.

My bedside table would never look like that but OH’s would and sometimes does. Genuinely, I just avoid looking at it. I give myself a ‘blind spot’ to it- same as I do for my DCs bedrooms. This strategy mostly works- unless I am actually anxious about something else and then the clutter can become the focus of the anxiety.

Synpathies- it’s exhausting being like this (and no doubt hard work for those who live with us) 💐

This was so interesting to read and really resonated with me- thanks.

OP you have a lovely DH!
id love to know how you strategise to keep things tidy , I really need to take a leaf out of your book

Those people who are tidy and have ADHD - could you give me some tips for how you are managing it? Do you have an actual system or do you just put everything into a big box or drawer or something?

I really struggle with developing and sticking to systems where each thing has a specific place. I can do drawers that are big enough to dump everything in, it's utter chaos inside but that's fine. Or large wardrobe shelves where the door can just be shut on the chaos.

I've just been chatting with a chatgpt alternative and I think I might just give up on the developing a system and just have more big storage boxes, to make it easier to hide chaos. I don't actually mind having messy drawers, it's just quite nice when you can shut the drawer and still have the room looking nice?

I would not describe myself as tidy but I am functional now whereas previously I couldn't cope with the mess I created myself.

I would recommend you look at Clutterbug and A Slob Comes Clean. Marie Kondo also helped me, but the two things which will help most immediately are Dana (Slob)'s "no mess decluttering method" and Clutterbug's division of organising style into four types. You sound like a Ladybug according to her system. Ladybugs indeed have large drawers of chaos behind closed doors and I think Dana's system of how to decide what goes where is utterly brilliant and it genuinely works.

Both of these women have ADHD (well - Dana isn't diagnosed but she admits she has such extremely strong traits, it's likely) and that I find is why I identify with what Dana says so much. She explains all the unwritten rules that most people automatically know or think is obvious - one example is that she has a rule to run the dishwasher every night, which is obviously a fairly common piece of advice, but the added explanation is what makes it for me.

Before she got into this habit of running the dishwasher every night, she would frequently look at the dishwasher, realise it wasn't full and decide it was not worth running it because it is not ecologically friendly to run a half full dishwasher. Then she would go to bed. In the morning she would be overwhelmed by how messy the house was, and repeat every day.

When she committed to running the dishwasher every night, she would still look at it and find it half empty, but instead of having "Oh I can't run it now" be the end of the thought, she started to look around the house for things to put in it to make it efficient to run. This was the step that previously had never occurred to her, but which is obvious to most people - in fact, most people without ADHD bring their used dirty stuff to the kitchen and place it in or near the dishwasher without having to do a run around and scoop for everything. When she did this scoop for plates/cups/etc she found that pretty much every time she could fill the dishwasher completely, and even on the occasions that it was only 80-90% full, she ran it anyway because the routine was helpful by this point.

I know some people will read this and be astonished or think it's laziness or stupidity that makes someone with ADHD get stuck immediately on the "It's not ecologically sound" hurdle instead of following the obvious solution to pick up everything around and therefore make it more efficient. I can't really explain why that never occurred to me (or Dana!) - I have a few ideas, the mess everywhere was normal so it failed to register to me as mess/out of place. ADHD makes me struggle to prioritise properly so I don't always automatically sort things into the order that makes sense to most people. When I look at it in a detached way like this, it feels obvious that getting the dishes clean is a higher priority than doing things in the most energy efficient way but in the moment when I am making a decision I struggle to consider which factors are important. There will also be a lot of noise coming in for completely random and probably irrelevant factors, which also make it harder to pinpoint the clear priority of the clean dishes.

There are lots of other things in her process which are explained out like this so I wouldn't have time to explain them all here. I started out listening to her podcast from the beginning - you can also start with more recent episodes. Once I had found a lot of use from the podcast, she talks about an ebook she has with a four-week plan and I wanted to try this. That is no longer available alone but it is an appendix in her book Taking Care of Your Home Without Losing Your Mind, so I bought that, found it solidified a LOT of the concepts in the podcast, did the 4-week challenge (it took me about 4 months) and it honestly changed my life. Genuinely think the podcast/books should be given on prescription along with ADHD medication.

Yes I'm exactly the same. I'm glad I live alone 😂 Untidiness in a room is like sharing that room with someone shouting at me. Just can't do it. It may be a 'me' thing, but my (ex - he was an abusive alcoholic) husband and children seemed to cope 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks so much @BertieBotts, this is really helpful! I will look into Dana K's no mess decluttering method now ☺️

It isn't normal in my world but I'd appreciate that it isn't awful.