Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

I couldn't bare that op. One book I could cope with, but not a pile messily stacked & cables too. I have to admit I'm a neat freak & can be controlling.
In addition to this I do all the dusting, so this would annoy me immensley.

Personally I think it’s not your business - a bedside table is a persons individual space. That’s your husbands space, you don’t have to deal with it, look at it, sort through it or think about it.

It’s not your space to interact with.

You literally said the drawer is a complete mess.

Make up your mind.

Blimey, that's tidy for me. But I have ADHD so.....I dont think you have ADHD. OCD maybe.

Oh pardon me. 🤣

I meant that anyone used to filing by what the contents are and into separate folders would find it a complete mess IF they opened the drawer.

Bless you OP, good self awareness x

I think the tidiness in ADHD might be something else but I won’t digress. That’s not what you asked.
have you considered the accommodations and adjustments DH might make for your ADHD? Perhaps he doesn’t make any, perhaps he makes loads.

sometimes you need to learn to accept others or make accommodations for them like they do for you. Especially if it’s something small like this. Live and let live… Balance… tolerance …. However you want to package it.

I would find that messy personally, I don't think there is a need for that many things to be on a bedside table.
Everything I own has a 'home' that is out of sight.

I however am pedantic when it comes to tidiness (too much I think and wish I could relax).

My husband is a bit like yours and I am starting to learn to live with it as it is my problem, not his

I'm feeling very sorry for a lot of partners who don't seem to be being allowed to live normal lives in their own home.

Not allowed to keep what they want on their own bedside table? On what planet is that fair?

If it was on kitchen table or on a chair it would get in the way and be messy. On a bedside table I’m ok with that. Also does the reading light have a “place” and is antacid there because it is used fairly often so convenient?

I did say "he" not the OP . My point (obviously badly made ) was people have different things which irritate them and , with discussion , most things can reach a compromise with willing on both sides. I wasn't advocating controlling bollocks.

But that’s not neater? It’s just hidden but harder to access and see properly.

I wouldn’t like this either OP. At the very minimum I’d be shoving it in a drawer so it was out of sight

I’m very tidy but personally I’d consider that a very small pile, YABU, sorry.

My partner is like you (ADHD, past trauma with clutter and chaos) and everything bothers him. It can be very difficult even to the tidiest of partners.

It would be like ripping out my soul and stamping on it to make me live in a room like that.

Tidy isn't necessarily superior op. Perhaps try entertaining some other attitudes towards "clutter."

I have doom piles. I have to have piles because if I cant see it then its stops existing

It's not though. Putting it in a container is controlling, and it's very inconvenient for her DH. If you're lying in bed and need to reach for a book, the last thing you need is to have to sit up, open a container, and dig down for the book that's bound to be at the bottom.

For goodness sake, this is the one tiny space on the house that's 'his' not to worry about. He accommodates OP 's quirk in every other part of the house. He does NOT deserve to have her dictating this bedside table arrangements.

I have ADHD and I also cannot cope with clutter. It makes me feel agitated.

Agreed

Some of you would really freak out if you saw my desk/bedside table.

To me, even the original was tidy. Life is too short to worry about things should go.

That is normal verging on tidy - it's a very neat pile. I would take a photo of my bedside table and the surrounding floor to show you what a real mess looks like, but I don't want to distress you.

Normal - and a hell of a lot better than my dh's absolute disgrace of a bedside table - which is a chest of drawers, so a big surface area which looked lovely till he moved in.

I'm amazed how many people think that instead of a pile, it's much tidy to just chuck stuff in a drawer....

Out of sight doesn't make it tidy

I don’t have ADHD, OCD or any other ‘D’ but in my house that would be refereed to as a ‘shit tip’. I’m very neat and tidy and that would do my head in.

I am so lucky, I don’t have a DH/partner who I would have to tell to tidy that up and put things away. Life is easier on your own.

I do have a DS and his desk looks like that, but that’s in his own room, so that’s fine. He knows the rest of the house is not allowed to look like a ‘shit tip’.

Btw, OCD is about being tidy or untidy. It’s a serious mental health condition characterised by obsessive thoughts and repetitive behaviours or compulsions that are used to reduce stress and anxiety. Please don’t say you are super tidy by saying I’m a little bit OCD’.

I'd have to straighten those few books though!