Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

Sorry pressed send before I could finish.
I think if it was stacked more neatly it would bother me less. It looks top heavy. I’d be tempted to rearranged it into a more ordered pile but I don’t think it necessarily all needs putting away.

wow, I'd be happy if my OH was that untidy. It's in a pile. My OH can't see the top of his bed side drawers due to the stuff on it.lol.

I think that's not too bad.

So it's a set of drawers not a table? Then everything should be in the drawer's, not on top.
Lamp, 1 book, glasses etc are fine. The rest need to be out of sight.
That's just my take on it. 😶‍🌫️

I’ve read all of your posts OP and just wanted to say you and your DH sound so lovely, and so considerate of each other. And I’m sorry you had a bumpy journey with your previously undiagnosed ADHD.

It's visual noise, shouting at you for attention.

That's why it bothers you.

I spend a lot of time making myself ignore things like that - it doesn't always work, however, but as long as there isn't something like it everywhere in eyeshot, it's not as distracting.

Yes it’s true that is is common for ADHD people to be messy but some go to the opposite extreme. It’s a similar story with punctuality - we don’t have a very good understanding of the passing of time, so most people with ADHD are chronically late but some of us are so worried about being late that we arrive an hour early everywhere.

i suspect your comment about being oblivious to mess is inaccurate. I think most ADHD people with messy homes are deeply frustrated about it . Chris Packham did a TV programme covering this. He did a story about a young man who had moved into his first flat and he was too embarrassed to invite his family over due to the mess. But he just couldn’t tackle it even though he didn’t like his home being like thatS.

Yes it’s a mess. Also I can’t stand things just shoved on top of other things. There’s no way he’s using all that rubbish every day for it to be in your face, I bet if you sorted it half of it’s for the bin and most of the rest could be put away.

I’m not ADHD but totally related to your post … until I saw the bedside table. That is way way tidier than my husband’s and I would be happy with that. If I showed you a photo of his bedside table, windowsill (his side of the bed) and floordrobe you would totally freak out. Now I think I am the reasonable one and not a neat-freak! That probably doesn’t help you but it has given me a new perspective and some ammunition.

This I think is messy. But also, I have more mess than this on my bedside table, so I can't really talk here.

I totally get this. I'm incredibly punctual (I can be ridiculously hours early for a train or flight) and never ever lose stuff like phone, wallet etc because it is a huge effort of will to compensate for my chaotic ADHD mind and I just can't get complacent about it as it doesn't come naturally. I fear if I let things slide I'd never get back on top of them. Still working on the tidiness thing but I understand completely why you might be this way about it.

It's a normal pile of stuff. You shouldn't be moaning about that. Have you thought of seeing a therapist? If that's the level of stuff that upsets you , you may alienate your partner over time.

Very tidy and organised ADHDer here too, that would drive me absolutely nuts , I would have it all tidied away myself though and wouldn't even ask him- which will inevitably lead to the 'your always putting my stuff where I cant find it' conversation 😂 happens a lot in my house

I have adhd and like you I am very tidy due to how mess can affect my brain. I would have already put this mess in a drawer and out of the way. I wouldn’t be able to cope with it - i realise that I’m not normal though.

Tbh, it would bother me and I'd probably tidy it into a neater pile at least, plus put the messing a drawer. But i hate visual clutter.

As a professional who works with this sort of stuff, I hate it when people throw the "you're probably a bit OCD" around so much. Real clinical OCD is crippling and not just an aversion to visual clutter. It really belittle people's experiences of real OCD.

People with ADHD do well when they have clear systems, so good for you for recognising that.

I'm late to the party and see you've had a good result OP.
Just wanted to say well done for leaving it, and also does your
DH have a brother? He sounds fab.

What do you mean behave? I am exactly like her ADHD and taught myself after having children to keep things tidy as it keeps my brain tidy and gives me less stress. However I just tidy hubbies things up because it’s easier and quicker. We are all different and need to do what keeps us sane.

I’m the same as the OP. I was extremely untidy and messy when younger but when I had kids I became the opposite. ADHD people tend to go to extremes

For me its the fact that it could be stacked more neatly. If there is a drawer in bedside cabinet, could most of it not be stored there?

That's my DH side of the bed. The tissues really gross me out

It's not bad and they are reasonable things to have on a beside but I can sort of get where you are coming from. For me it looks wrong and I would probably feel tempted to restack it by size so it looked nicer.

I’m quite a minimal person who likes things to be clean and tidy. However I can tolerate some level of mess because such is life.. I also appreciate that things can look “too clinical”. To me the photo just shows a small pile of books and I wouldn’t have given it any further thought, especially if it was my DHs books.

That’s not even messy it’s a neat pile

You can't demand your DH is as ridiculously today as you- you have to relax, otherwise you will come over as insane, to everyone.

OP, your DH is clearly on mumsnet

I'd probably end up buying a pair of bookends from a charity shop and arranging the books 😁