Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

I voted YANBU because that original pile would have bugged the life out of me too. Having read the other responses I'm beginning to think I have a problem!

Glad your husband tidied it up (although the pill packets, cable and specs still need to go IMO). I definitely have a problem, don't I.......

Insisting all the spines on a pile of someone else's books face out is definitely not normal

No I wouldn't insist, I would just do it myself

I would have bought a small bookshelf and put the items in size order for DH.

It wouldn't be 'for DH', would it?
He might not want them in size order. If he did, he probably would have arranged them like that himself.

If someone has a bedside table or desk or bookcase that's used only by them, nobody else should be rearranging stuff on it, imo.

You should get a cat. Anything on the surfaces will be on the floor in no time, job done.

Moving someone else's stuff to align with your way of "right" is controlling

Can you tell yourself that it's his side and therefore nothing to do with you?

If you do buy him a bedside storage box maybe you should consult before getting one with a lid. My DH belongs to the "is it worth putting something away when I'm going to want it again next week/month/year" school of thought so would never put the lid back on properly.

Ew

Moving my husband's books is 'controlling'? Don't be daft.

He's put my books in alphabetical order. The absolute monster.

You clearly have magical powers, OP! did you wiggle your nose like Samantha in Bewitched?!

I have also noticed that people have completely different ideas about what tidy actually means.

As I said before I tend to be completely chaotic but if I do have a rare moment of tidying to completion, I like to do it what I consider properly. The end result e.g. in the kitchen would be that the counters are completely clear apart from the kettle, coffee maker, knife block, soap dispenser and two bottles of oil. Everything else would be put away, in a cupboard or in the room where it goes and I would have made a decision and either thrown something away/put in donate bag if I didn't want to keep it AND know where it goes. Empty jars would be in the bag for glass recycling. I'd also have wiped everything down with some hot soapy water and put the cloth in the wash basket and replaced the tea towel with a dry/clean one, if it needed to be.

Whereas DH on the surface is much more tidy than me. He doesn't leave a trail of destruction. He remembers to close cupboard doors. But his version of tidying is to collect items and arrange them into piles at the edge of the room. So I go into the kitchen after he has cleaned it and there are dirty washing up sponges piled by the sink, ketchup and mayonnaise neatly lined up with the oil, children's toys next to the fruit bowl, etc. He will even have lined up the empty jars and put them in a row next to the knives because he forgets where the bag is kept. I find all of this irritating because to me, it's not done properly, and it looks horrible. (It's mildly irritating - I can of course just take the few items and put them where I think they ought to go).

I think it's important to do things properly and one of my issues previously is that I wouldn't like doing half a job so I would not even start. I have overcome this now and will do half a job rather than none of a job, but I still like to do it properly even if that means I only have time to do half of it. (Dana K White as someone mentioned was extremely helpful for me). I would rather leave an item messily/in the way than put it "away" in the wrong place. To me something being messy is "I will get to that later" and so it doesn't register as clutter in the same way that it bothers me immediately when I see DH's neat piles of assorted debris.

I Find that messy, but I would ask him to tidy it and then it’s up to him.

ETA just seen the update. Great news!

Moving each other's items to fit your idea of right over theirs is definitely controlling

I'd put it away as well, just into one of the drawers or one of the shelves in the cabinet so easily accessible.

Genuinely laughed when i saw the photo of this "absolute mess"

I think the 2nd pic bothers me more as the tidying isn't quite finished!

This is literally a definition of 'tidying'

It's literally the definition of enforcing your opinion on someone

I'd do something about it if I had House and Garden coming to do a shoot in my home but other than that that one is a leave it be mess op.

There are real issues in the world: that pile is not one of them.

More progress. I think this is as good as it gets. Tabletop is filthy, as is the sill behind, but I'm happy to clean that.

Its a small pile of books and a packet of antacids.....
Its your husbands bedside table.
Normal by most peoples standards.
YABU absolutely unreasonable.

I must admit that's a bit messier than I'd like, especially with that cable thing.

That's what my bedside table looks like immediately after I've tidied up.

Within twenty-four hours there'll be a couple of empty teacups, some Digestive crumbs, a bottle of contact lens fluid lying on its side, a green interdental brush, possibly a couple of dead batteries, an empty blister pack of Gaviscon tablets and a magnetic phone charger that I can't find the lead for.

All this will mean that things are back to normal and I needn't worry about tidying again for at least a couple of weeks, when the cat knocks over a nearly-empty glass of Merlot.

We should never get married. It's not going to work.