Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

I mean I wouldn’t have it on my bedside table. But it’s not that bad really. If it’s been growing since Christmas what happens when you want to clean or him if he cleans. Just move it wipe and put it all back? That’s a pain surely.

Hmm nope i think this would bug me, but only because its not very neatly stacked lol i would probably just organise the books a bit neater and put the meds away but we have little ones, so meds being out is a big no no.

It's a little messy, but its his mess, contained to his bedside table. If you can't make a mess on your own bedside table, then where can you?

Chuck in 3 mugs and a water bottle then you've got my OH's bedside table.

I used to take mugs etc down to kitchen but flat out refuse now.

Sorry buy you have issues. What does your bedside table look like?

I think he is allowed his space and should be able to keep that space how he likes it.

To me, separate spaces you are "allowed" to keep as you like, are essential to make co-habitation tolerable.

I suppose if your husband isn't bothered about being told to tidy it up, and you would prefer it today, then that's ok.

Only you know how you are likely to make him feel.

Can you straighten the pile at least ?

Although I have learned that some spots are for his piles

And I have my own pile - although out of sight mostly

and thank you for posting as it helps me understand it’s not jus me who feels twitchy at such things

Definitely ADHD. That's probably simplifying it, as lots of past trauma and low self worth from struggling when younger and being told I just wasn't trying hard enough. Lived in utter clutter and chaos til my my mid 20s, when I learnt to strategise my way out of it. I need to keep on top of everything or I just become overwhelmed and can't function. My life is a series of plans that I need to follow as I can only cope with one step at a time. Typical story of late diagnosis after DC's diagnosis.

I strategise really well, and from the outside people think I'm super organised and efficient, but it takes a lot of effort for me to keep organising things in a way I can manage.

DH's mess is his, and so it bothers me less than my mess, not my responsibility.

That would piss me off. I’d be putting it in a wicker basket so I didn’t have to look at it. But I am a tidy freak myself

I wouldn't love it, its obvious it isn't all getting read its just sitting there until he deals with it. One or two items of reading materials on the bedside at a time and medications go in the drawer.

My DH keeps every receipt for everything for ages he has a massive box in his wardrobe going back about 6 years. Its not out in the open but at this point he's never going to go back though it. He should just keep them for the month then check them then chuck them out. At this rate he is going to be like his uncle when we cleared his house a few years ago he had old boxes everywhere stuffed with various receipts and paperwork going back to the 1950's. There was no need for it. Hoarder tendencies.

I’d take the magazines out and put them downstairs or in the recycling if not wanted. Then I’d make a neat pile of the books in size order and make sure they were stacked neatly if they MUST be on the bedside table. I’d put the packet of whatever and the reading light into a drawer of the bedside cabinet. I couldn’t sleep knowing that mess was there (I need help don’t I) x

I haven't cleaned it since the pile grew. I can't. If I touched it, I'd have to start trying to put it away. And then I'd end up pulling out everything from his drawers, and he'd come home from work to find me in floods of tears in a state of anxiety, surrounded by all his stuff, totally overwhelmed and not knowing how to begin putting everything away or where it goes.

Some of the "magazines" look like comics in poly bags so are probably collectors items and he'd be devastated if she popped them in the recycling!

But they are her husbands books and crap on his table on his side of the bed, you don't need to be recycling or moving his books because it doesn't suit your room asthetic.leave it alone😀

Correct. I'd never dream of throwing out his stuff anyway.

You are being unreasonable because he is reading a very cool vintage DC comic book there…

Mine is a lot worse than that: three books, a notebook and pen, bedside lamp, little tray for drinks, dish with earrings in, reel of dental tape, nail file. I didn’t realise this was excessive!

It’s because they’re out of size order and not aligned. Just ask him to do that and you’ll immediately feel better and he gets to keep his stuff where handy.:) I very much relate to dealing with chaos in your head by removing physical clutter (and have 2 in the house that exist through their things so it’s a constant challenge).

My approach is its his desk/wardrobe its his problem though i would as i go round cleaning probably try to organise it so it atleast looks nice.

I have a very cool vintage DH :)

If he doesn’t already have one, I got bought a digital subscription for DC comics a couple of years ago as a birthday gift. Now I read on my tablet in bed and I’ve stopped bringing tatty old comics home every week 🤣

@MessOrNotMess

It's not exactly my "messy" really.

Would it alleviate some of your stress if it was at least in size order and a somewhat "neater" pile?

eta; only just realised @Notafanofheat has already said the exact same thing 🙈

This is definitely a you problem.
I'm glad you're not messing with his small pile of stuff on his allocated small surface.

Seriously you would do this with someone else's possessions?