Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

Good God, you should see mine.
I don't really mean that, because it WOULD stress you out.
But, honestly, I can't even raise an eyebrow at that.

Kindly, stop it. It is already in its place, on his bedside table.

Adding a container makes it less accessible for him as he can't see it all at once and it also adds another item into the mix so can hardly be reducing the amount of stuff there. It makes very litte sense. It does'nt need to be tidied away in a box.

It's a good job you're not married to me, we'd kill each other. Mind your own bedside table and stop being so controlling.

It's a normal clutter level. But anyway his bedside table is his personal space not yours. So he can have it messy if he likes. Can you (mentally) put his bedside table outside of your zone of responsibility?

And if it still really bothers you then ask him to tidy it. Don't move his stuff in his space yourself, that is intrusive. And if you want to put his stuff in a basket then ask him first.

I want to know what the books are! it looks very normal to me, I was expecting no surface to be visible under a mass of disorganised clutter

I think because it’s his side you should leave it. Only if it encroaches on communal space should you get involved. Would he mind if you straightened it up a bit to make it easier to live with and not so unsightly?

I wish mine was as tidy as that. I have empty headache packs, a couple of unopened plasters, a small jar of paper clips, a bottle of water, a bill. I did start tidying it up this morning though as it is getting a bit too much.

That’s nothing, my OHs side of the bed can have, on any given occasion- random (clean) running/cycling gear on the floor, various pairs of socks (again, clean), books, tissues (some used), a cable for…something, a snap back cap (maybe two), a stray soft toy, and a completely odd item which is currently a 1980s Yamaha drum machine.
My side has thyroid medication, a lamp, reading glasses, a small vintage tray of oddments such as pocket change and a lip balm, a cloud spotting guide, and on a lower shelf a 1970s property developers model of a detached house with integral garage.

It’s times like this when I realise we’re a bit weird.

Make sure you ask him first, before hiding all his stuff away.

Your bedside table is a tiny spot and one of the most personal, least public places in the entire house. The most I think you should ask of him is neatening it - square it off, stack things in size order - and otherwise let it be. His stuff is allowed to exist in this one little corner of his own home, without being filed away.

That would annoy me because it's been building for a month. Just ask him to go through it at the weekend before it gets overwhelming. A container is a good idea, we have a magazine file in the kitchen for paperwork and when it gets full we go through it and recycle/file it. Contains it and forces regular tidying sessions.

Mine's been building for decades
Honestly, there are just different breeds when it comes to stuff like this, aren't there? I can't imagine prioritising keeping the items on my bedside table down. I don't have the headspace or wish to give it the time.

The brain is a funny thing. My eyes went straight to the window sill and it’s stressing me out.

To me it is too messy…it would absolutely wind me up. I would hate it and probably end up tidying it away myself if he was agreeable to that. But if he wasn’t I’d have to (reluctantly) leave it. Luckily he’s nearly as tidy as me so it would probably never be an issue.

I have (diagnosed) OCD, and although my intrusive thoughts don’t generally focus on germs, cleanliness and tidiness, I think it definitely contributes to anxiety around mess.

We’re in the middle of having work done in our house and the contents of our kitchen are in the living room for another week. I am mightily stressed.

Sorry, I know this wouldn't be funny if it actually happened but this really tickled me (because I would probably be similar!)

So glad someone has suggested a solution that works for you. This place can be great for solving each others' problems when you're too deep in the middle of them to see pragmatic solutions!

Understood.
My DH has ADHD and tbh he is what I would describe as chaotic. He doesn't intentionally create mess and often he is trying to help tody up etc but like you have described leaves a trail of clutter and mess everywhere he goes.

He picks something up because it's not in teh right spot but gets distracted and it ends up in another wrong spot and whatever he's been distracted by ends up somewhere else and the trail continues 😂

I often get blamed for moving things I have never seen in my life because he's lost it somewhere along his journey.

Gently OP but your issues do sound more than "just" ADHD and it sounds like you need therapy for it

That's a perfectly normal pile of things to have on a bedside table

I totally understand. My DH is clutter blind but also very amiable and helpful if I want things tidier.
To suit my needs I’d probably neaten the pile, but then leave it be. It wouldn’t bother him and it would make me happy. I wouldn’t say anything to DH though.

So you’d go through his stuff, pulling it out and apart?
Why would you be crying? Out of guilt for totally trampling over his personal space?

I remember once having a massive row with an ex about how I ‘left mess everywhere’. I genuinely didn’t know what he meant, and it turned out he meant books. I don’t see books as mess. They are an always welcome bit of ‘room dressing’ and I leave them everywhere. This drove the poor man to distraction.

Fortunately, DH and I are on the same page (pun intended) about this, and live very happily in a book and plant festooned chaos that would clearly have some of you filing for divorce. 🤣

This whole thread reminds me of a woman who puts away her children’s Christmas presents immediately after unwrapping on Christmas Day so they can’t play with them and make mess. So many controlling women stressing out and wasting their lives tidying stuff.

I'm a very tidy person, without ADHD, and to me that pile is messy and I'd have to make it look neater looking, at least. I wouldn't want to see it there, but its his home as well.

You cant control people in their own space, which includes your DH's bedside table so in that respect - you just have to put up with it.

But at the same time that level of clutter would drive me round the bend and i'd be itching to tidy it so i can see why it bothers you

I love everything about this, MN finding a simple solution that takes all the stress out of your day. Happy shopping @MessOrNotMess

It's not that bad tbf but if the rest of the bedroom is very tidy then I can see how it would be annoying. If you make the pile neater then it might not look as bad to you? I didn't vote as I'm untidy and my dh is tidy do didn't think it would be a fair vote either way.