Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

Could you just get a nice basket or storage box to put it in

I am messy and live with a neat freak dh. I don’t like him feeling uncomfortable so I try and keep things tidy. I found he is soothed if the piles are nicely squared off - so no edges sticking out, and typically big things at the bottom, small on top. I also got a leather box with a lid for bits and bobs - very unobtrusive

Try squaring the pile off and it might not annoy you as much

Damn girl…that’s my version of neat!

I’m beginning to think my husband might be right in thinking I’m messy!!

It can go both ways apparently. But when I was diagnosed with ADHD (I totally have the "can exist in a small hole in the pile of mess" kind of ADHD) I did flag up a screener for OCD for other issues, mainly thought related.

The psychiatrist assessing me said that adults who are not diagnosed with ADHD until later in life often flag up for OCD because the coping mechanisms that we adopt tend to run along OCD type lines because they are trying to compensate for a brain system which is unreliable. It's actually a very common co-occurring diagnosis.

ADHD is very all or nothing. I know that I function much better when there is no clutter and mess around, but conversely I tend to create clutter and mess everywhere I go. I would basically have to go one of two ways to deal with this - either I give up and accept the hit to my functioning because my environment is so cluttered but I am physically unable to keep up with my own crap, which is roughly where I ended up before medication/DH/learning about some ADHD-specific cleaning tips (which essentially boil down to "have much less stuff and have easy systems") OR become absolutely obsessive and compulsive about removing any mess the second I have become aware of it.

This is how the all or nothing aspect of ADHD works with basically everything. It's almost like a very heavy train which is incredibly difficult to get moving but then once it's moving it's incredibly difficult to stop and will keep going in the same direction to an extreme.

That's minimalist in my view but my bedside table is a towering heap of books, old coins, hand cream, alarm clock, jewellery, bedside lamp, coasters... I don't actually see it though!

OMG, this is the answer, isn't it! Why didn't I think of that? Then everything is in it's place, and a non problem.

It looks perfectly normal to me. However, your DH sounds like he understands you so just ask him if he'd mind having a wee tidy up.

That’s tidy in my mind!

Can you please persuade my husband to do this comics are taking over our house (bagged and boarded in special boxes of course.......)

My husband wouldn’t have it like that, suits me as I just like a table lamp and a book.

If I were your dh, I’d consider that level of control ltb territory. His stuff. His space.

But it clearly does impact you and he sounds very accommodating. My concern is that he might actually be avoidant and could be storing up deeper tensions ? Have you had any deeper conversations about this? Would you consider talking it out in couples counselling?

Incidentally, Dana K White has a no mess method where you follow 5 steps and never pull everything out or make a bigger mess. It might be something to look at so you don’t trigger overwhelm if you try to tidy. I ended up in tears over the dc’ playroom on a couple of occasions before I discovered her approach so I highly recommend her.

Normal. I have plenty of piles of stuff like that and I'm very organised and a lawyer.

something like this, or more decorative @MessOrNotMess?

Ha You should see my side of the bed.

You wouldn't put up with it? Why do you get to set the parameters for how you and your husband live? I've noticed that women often promote themselves to be the boss of the house!

I’m just imagining the reaction if a man dared to post this about his wife or partner….

It would also depend for me how long things are left for. For me I leave things like that for a time when I feel a little overwhelmed, haven't thought of a place to put things or have just been busy doing other stuff. Eventually it is dealt with and put away.

DH on the other hand, would let it build and build and you'd have to dig him out 20 years later.

You sound really lovely OP but I think it's important to understand that living with someone who is obsessively tidy when you are not particularly tidy yourself is as stressful/frustrating as living with someone who is not particularlyy tidy when you are extremely tidy. I'm not particularly tidy and my mum is obsessively so (also ND) and it drives me nuts when I put something down and then can't find it because she's put it away somewhere. Or when i just want some things conveniently near me and she wants them put away in a box.

I think the fact that this small pile of things that aren't yours and aren't in your space are 'bothering you a lot' and the fact that it's on your mind so much that you posted a thread on here about makes me wonder if yo're tipping from ADHD hyper focus into OCD. I'm not an expert but I think you need to leave his things alone, not feel the need to put them in a box and get some/some more help with this.

If you say he is a good egg and cleans up whenever it stresses you out that shows him to be so considerate and kind. Please allow him some consideration too. I know you say you have ADHD, and fair enough it's the cause of the issues but try and let him have 'his side of the bed' clutter. You won't even see it much when all snuggled up, surely?

I know you’re 100 per cent right but I really wouldn’t like it.

I can only dream of my husband's bedside table being that tidy. Count your blessings.

If someone spreads their stuff everywhere then they're 'setting parameters' by making others live with their mess. If there's a choice between everyone being able to use a space equally, or one person taking it over with their mess, then the obvious answer is everyone using it equally.

I like that (and like that it hasca lid), but I don't think it would be deep enough. But I think The Range might be a good place to look, and we have one locally.

Oh Christ yes. I mean DH is a bit more messy than me (and I exaggerate for humour) but we aren't so different that we annoy the hell out of one another.

Please unclench.