Is this messy or normal?

[MessOrNotMess]

So the backstory here is that I have learnt to be very, very tidy due to ADHD and fear of overwhelm. I really struggle with clutter.

DH isn't awfully tidy, but equally not particularly messy. He generally works on the principle that if something messy of his is bothering me he'll deal with it as it's no big deal to him, and a stressor to me. So I know if I raise it, he'll 100% just tidy it, no question. He's a good egg.

However, I try very hard to own that this is a me problem and I can't always expect to control my environment and how people around me live. I try not to raise stuff til it's actually messy, rather than just not to my standard of completely clutter free.

This pile of clutter on DH's bedside table has been growing since Christmas. Ideally, I'd have the surface completely clear, nothing on the top at all. I was OK when it was one book, reading glasses and reading light. To me, the pile that's there now looks like a massive pile of clutter, it's bothering me a lot. I am, however, aware that I have a skewed perspective on this.

So, is this an absolute mess and DH should be asked to tidy up (YANBU) or a perfectly normal amount of stuff to have on a bedside table and I need to keep quiet (YABU)?

Sounds more like OCD or autism than ADHD symptoms. Could you have those too?

I am diagnosed ADHD and despite lots of effort I can never keep things clear and tidy. My autism side hates clutter and finds it stressful. It's a rubbish combo!

Books aren't clutter, they're BOOKS. YABU

Reminds me of the Health Visitor I had who documented on my baby's records that our living room was "cluttered", when the ONLY items other than furniture was a nice small wicker basket of folded clean cloth nappies and 3 small toys on the carpet for my toddler, that she was actively playing with at the time. My eyes rolled so fucking hard.

If you think that is mess you should see my bedside cabinet. That looks perfectly fine to me.
Then again I don't like to see completely empty surfaces to me that looks cold and clinical

I am exactly the same as you and it would trigger the life out of me and have voted YANBU on this basis because i understand.

However for most people this is probably not an issue

Maate, I don't know which ADHD fairy blessed you, but congratulations on getting both the standard "tidiness or I can't function" one AND ALSO the much rarer "I have the executive capacity to actually get and keep it tidy" one. Most of us only get the first.

I would hate that, it would enrage me and I'd have tidied it up by now, but I am super tidy, I can't abide clutter anywhere. All my bits, glasses, tissues, etc, are in the bedside drawer.

Edited to add, there are decorative things on the bedside cabinet, a lamp and my Alexa and a photo frame, but not clutter 😱

If I’ve made the pile it doesn’t bother me but if someone else makes the pile I hate it, it becomes visual noise and I feel the urge to sort it.

The issue is not whether other people think it's a problem.

You think it is. And by your own admission, it's bothering you a lot.

It would make my skin crawl. But I have life limiting OCD. I would have no choice but to tidy it up. I would hope my partner (if I had one) would understand and realise this was a me problem and would shrug it off and not take it personally.

I would be extremely annoyed if I had books on my bedside table stacked in the order I was going to read them and you changed that to size order? Also if you put my reading light away it's on the table on easy reach when I'm in bed. Also the comics may be special editions that he is keeping and planning to read in bed.

Mine is worse than that! I think this can be very subjective though - for some this might be very messy, and for some this might be perfectly normal.
I think it's great you're being so mindful of asking if it's normal or not!

I think if it's bothering you, then is there any harm in asking DH nicely along the lines of "hey, I've noticed this pile of stuff on here has been here a while, and I wondered if you will be using any of it imminently? I know it's your space, but it is really bothering me. Would you mind if I helped you for 5 mins to just tidy it up a bit so they aren't on view or just look a bit tidier?"

Perhaps it's Christmas gifts he hasn't found a home for yet. I don't think it's unreasonable to bring it up, and if you preface it by saying you appreciate this may just be your own issue but if it's no bother to him tidying it, there's no harm in asking. Sounds like he's usually receptive to you.

I'm the messy one in my house, and DH is very much like you. I know that if he approaches me to ask me to sort something out, it must be really bothering him as otherwise he tries not to say anything. I'd rather him ask me to tidy up, than him feel stressed about it and probably then end up being grumpy!

It’s a bedside table. It’s for putting things on. The pile of books is a bit high but at least they’re in a pile.

Would you believe it? I've not said a word to DH, gone back in the bedroom and it now looks like this! I've been on a bit of a cleaning/sorting mission today, and DH must have picked up that I'm unsettled (also I've got some big life stressors going on, and we've been married for decades and he knows tidy and clutter free is a comfort to me). My husband is fabulous, I'm so lucky :)

As an aside, OP. Did you used to be messy? If so, I need advice on how to make yourself into a tidy person!

Aww bless him! He really is a good egg!

You should meet my ex partner sometime. He has a motorbike in his living room.

Sorry I attached the wrong quote you post it was supposed to be the one from PP saying she would organise the books and recycle the comics

Ah, that's nice OP. For the original pile I would have bought a small bookshelf and put the items in size order for DH.

For that pile I would put all the spines on the left.

I think I'm normal but I'm probably really particular.

Either that or he reads MN.

I'm not winding you up; this is a genuine question: that looks and feels less cluttered to you?
The cable hanging down is just asking for someone to put their hand or foot through it and trip/cause a box avalanche. And glasses upside down make me twitch a bit!
Having said that, I still wouldn't require my DP to change it if that was his bedside table. It's his business.

From the update picture, I'd have to move the packets of pills (but we have young DC so having them out like that would be a total no-no). And you just can't leave glasses lens-down so I'd have to turn them over.

Other than that, DH whinges about the stuff on my bedside table (which is messier than that) but it is my space, so it pisses me off when he does it tbh.

I'd hate it, I don't like clutter.

Hand him some polish and a duster and ask him to do your bedroom furniture while you do something else. Hopefully he'll tidy it up :)

It looks like just a random surface though. How does he operate with no bedside light? <misses point entirely> Maybe a nice lamp, a glass of water and a book might encourage less random bits of paper?

I'd probably just restack it and make it a bit tidier.

THISSSSSS!

I've got the "I'm living in a sea of mess and it's causing me immense distress and I'm powerless to do anything about it" type.

I NEED TO KNOW OP'S SECRETS!

The lens down on the glasses is now making me twitch!

I don’t have a leg to stand on as I’m far messier than this, but what I will say is that I know plenty of people who have the same density of stuff as in your picture but arranged in a way that makes it look neat. I look at that and think it’s messy, but I know that if it was a neat, size organised stack of books, a folded cable next to it and a pill packet next to that, I wouldn’t notice it at all.