Old friends going a bit ' funny'

[Daygloboo]

Not really AIBU. More a general question. I've had 2 very dear friends who go back years and years. One from school. One from later teenage years. Always had a great laugh, been on holidays, etc etc. Been geographically far apart for a long time but still met up occasionally, emails now and then, odd text here and there, few phone calls etc. But not constant contact as just too difficult to keep it up due to everyday life getting in the way and them living hundreds of miles away. ( They arent connected to each orher ). Then a couple of years ago I just noticed a sort of almost disrespectful lack of effort creeping in, which i found hurtful as we really had been very good friends. I know they werent getting demented or anything like that even though they are getting older, but they seem to be much more indifferent or almost disrespectful in their communication style than they once were. Sort of self - obsessed and wrapped up in themselves. It was never like that before. Anyone else had this ? Do such good friends really drop off and almost change character after so many years ? There has been no alienating ' event' or anything like that. Or did I not know the real them in the first place ? What are your experiences of this. It really is a bit confusing and upsetting as I have such fond memories.

Yes, that's true. And geography does play a part. It's harder to.have face to face contact nowadays as we move around a lot, and phone calls and video calls are a poor substitute, because they obviously restrict body language cues and the 'total' experience of that other person. So, yes, things die off.

I've been thinking about this interesting thread today OP.

The pandemic killed off the last of my friendships. I have a couple close friends now, that's all. I have had a life-changing event happen several times in my life, some good and some bad. Each time it's cost me my friendships. This last time was during the pandemic, it was something awful and I couldn't talk about it. So I didn't reach out to anyone. I couldn't face getting that text back asking how I am and having to explain.

Now, I'm not rude and I value my friendships, so if they'd reached out to me I'd have responded and then they'd have known about it. Maybe some would have been supportive if they'd known. I didn't need anything from anyone, just their company occasionally, a few texts now and then. I'll never know because nobody did reach out to me and I just couldn't make the first move.

Time passed and I got over it, was able to speak about it, but by then it had been over a year, or two in some cases, since we'd last been in contact. I felt that I obviously wasn't seen by them as a valuable enough friend to keep in touch with over the pandemic, when most people focused solely on their family and inner circle friends. That being the case, I never did get back in touch and neither did they.

That all lead to a change in attitude from me. I decided I could no longer be bothered to seek out friendships as I had in the past, I'd settle now for making the most of anything that came my way and happened organically instead. I wasn't interested in putting in the effort to meet new people, put myself out there, make the first move. I wasn't going to chase people and I wasn't going to do anything I didn't want to, any more.

Before, I'd have gone places I wasn't that interested in and did things I didn't care about doing, because my friends did like it and wanted to do it and I was happy to be spending time with them. Now I'm much more true to myself and if I'm invited somewhere that I don't want to go I decline.

I shut down all my social media because it doesn't interest me and seeing life updates from people who no longer contacted me was upsetting. I'd only joined it in the first place because friends wanted me to.

If I text someone and they don't reply, I'll assume they're busy, or forgot, and try again a month or so later. 3 ignored texts and I'm done, I don't contact again. Same if people cancel a meet-up, I expect them to be the one to contact me to rearrange. If they don't contact me again then that's it, I don't contact them either and the friendship drifts into nothing.

It's hard to know who has space in their life for another friend, who actually wants to be friends versus who just saw you as someone convenient to spend time with when it suited them. I expect things to be very reciprocal now and I'm quick to let them go if they aren't.

It might sound incredibly silly but I've grown tired of carrying the mental load of remembering who I haven't heard from in a while and feeling that need to check in with them, see they're ok, deciding whether to ask them if they want to meet, where to go, organising it. Organising plan B in case they cancel last minute, so my day isn't ruined etc. I have a lot going on in my own life to deal with, without loading myself up with extra things to keep track of.

My two friends now it's very different. One we go out for coffee. They rarely contact me, either accepting or declining when I try to arrange, but they never let me down last minute and we always have fun. So it works. The other prefers to stay in, is a prolific texter most days, I reply when I can and we meet up at each others house when it suits us. It's low-key, low effort and fun.

Several times life has shown me people don't stick around. This last time I listened and stopped putting so much effort into something that will almost certainly be transient. I am like a few previous posters, just want to hang out have a cuppa and a chat. Go out occasionally if we both want to. Don't want to lean on someone or be leaned on, not on a regular basis. It's supposed to be light-hearted and fun. I decided the amount of effort I was previously putting into maintaining friendships, with people who ultimately turned out not to be bothered about me, wasn't fun.

I do wonder if other people/society generally have had a change of heart about the notion of friendships and their importance since the pandemic. That side of things I don't necessarily think is age related. I get the impression young people aren't going out as much any more either. Everyone seems to be suffering the mental health effects of loneliness and isolation. I even hear things about university, traditionally a place of great socialising, becoming a place where so many students are nose to the grindstone, eat sleep work repeat and depressed because they have no friends.

My perception of the world is that it's becoming a place where you either have online friendships which may occasionally seep outside the web into real life meet-ups or you have pretty much no chance of having friends at all.

Is Tiktok really where people hang out now? I didn't even know it had a messaging facility. I thought it was something for teenagers, ditto Snapchat, but I've just read a thread about someone not allowing their teen to use it any more due to sending nude pics. I've also heard that people are talking to AI instead of chatting to friends. I'm wondering if I should download some of these things onto my phone so I'm prepared for if I did make a new friend, if people maybe aren't keen on texting any more? Or just prepare to one day embrace friendlessness and talking to AI instead?!

Sorry this is so long. Just musings.

This is very interesting..I think many of rhe reasons discussed here are valid...different reasons for different people, but all interesting and valid in some way....but I think the point you make about the changing nature of friendships is a particularly interesing one......i do believe things are changing...people are becoming isolated, atomised, a lot of friendships are internet based, ....recently a young relative told me she was going to meet her ' dear' friend ...it trsnspired this dear friend was someone she'd never actually met in person but was someone she'd been talking to on the internet for 3 years but she was a ' dear' friend.....

I recently turned 60 and noticed this with two
of my friends/acquaintances. The three of us all live fairly local. But I suddenly noticed the friendship, dynamics and effort had suddenly changed. I wanted to celebrate my 60th with them but they were both busy and uninterested.

I think in my case what it might be is I had children later in life and they are now off doing their own thing at Uni and in first jobs so neex me less and my DH is also ill. So I probably want to make the effort to see them more. Whereas they had children much earlier and are both now grandparents, one also works long shifts and the other has a demanding partner. So whilst I now have more time and space to see them more. They both seem to want to see me much less. I have acknowledged this and totally backed off and don’t initiate contact or meet ups anymore now since last year. But still see them occasionally but only if one of them initiates it. I tried to arrange things twice but neither were interested or available. But but thats how it is.

Yeah i second this. I let "friends" walk all over me when in my 20s & 30s, put up with jealousy and little digs, when I hit menopause it opened my eyes and I stopped letting people take advantage of me, including family.

I don't always think friendships can be picked up again easily if the contact is not consistent. People go through very hard times and if they don't hear from their friend at all during that period (and I'm not saying it's the friend's fault) then they might reach the conclusion that the person they thought was a friend isn't a friend. It's not true that old friends or close friends can go several months (consistently over the years) or longer and still pick up where they left off. It all depends on life circumstances.

It's not true that old friends or close friends can go several months (consistently over the years) or longer and still pick up where they left off. It all depends on life circumstances.

I agree with this. I see people on here posting that they haven't spoken to someone in like, 5 years, and they just pick up where they left off. That blows my mind a bit.

I feel like so much has happened to me in the last 5 years alone that it would be almost insulting for someone to act like everything is exactly the same because it's not. Where were they when I lost my parents?- they didnt care enough to keep in touch then, so why I am supposed to now just pretend everything is the same. They've missed huge and important life events.

I just cannot feel close to someone if there has been years of no contact, it just indicates to me that they dont give a toss about me if they can't even muster up a 30 second text!

But it’s not ‘going to be the same’ in your case because of your specific expectations and your obvious resentment that your friends haven’t been in touch. Not everyone feels similarly. I certainly have friends I would absolutely still count as friends, whom I haven’t seen in years. I don’t resent they haven’t been in regular touch. I recognise that this was also a choice I made, and that a lot has honestly on in all our lives.

Yes its hard if not 2 way efforts to keep in touch. My circle small now not sure do I want new friends. 50s. My mams neighbour she lovely but same again unless I make contact..

I get it OP. I am in a close age group to yours. I have five long term close friends and two sisters. Apart from one, they all live a distance away. At the end of December I was in an accident which left me with a number of injuries. I have been stuck at home and isolated, can't drive. Apart from a couple of texts when it first happened, the silence has been deafening. One sister has called me, the other hasn't. The one who hasn't called was ill a while back and I dropped everything to go and take care of her. Out of the five long term friends, one has called and regularly messages me even though she has a lot of her own difficulties going on at the moment. I don't expect visits but some phone calls over the past 4 weeks would have made a difference. I feel like a few years ago there would have been calls, flowers etc, so something has changed. This is against a backdrop of them all knowing my marriage is difficult and I wont be getting much empathy at home. The whole thing has left me feeling quite lonely and jaded. The emotional impact is worse than the physical impact. I am going to be concentrating on me this year and putting minimum effort into these relationships going forwards, which is pretty sad eh? On a more positive note, a new friend who I met a couple of years ago has just asked if she can pop round for a visit soon so that has really made my day.

Which is why I have acknowledged that we are all different and some people might be absolutely fine with it.

I, am not ok with it.

Hence, if people are going to not contact me for long periods of time then they will have to accept our friendship isnt going to suddenly go back to how it was when they deign to get in touch with me again.

I have experienced friends disappearing from my life during times when I have been going through some really painful experiences and then just turning up a couple of years later and expecting me to pretend nothing has changed. I cannot do that. If others can, then that is their choice. But I do not like feeling like I am being picked up and put down when it suits them.

This is all so sad but does resonate

This is sad to hear about

Often, we see people as they really are in times of crisis and are disappointed

I am sorry to hear how this has been for you.

Sadly, I have experienced similar and have let these people go. Unfortunately, they have not even noticed! (which says everything ☹️)

There was a story in the news today about a survey showing what a high proportion of women this age are experiencing mental health issues, especially anxiety.

I have friends I really want to see and I sometimes do, but when someone suggests actually doing something my first instinctive reaction is always a massive wave of anxiety, which I then I have to fight really hard against. I don't always win, so sometimes I do say I can't do something I've previously said I want to do, once the date is right in front of me. I usually regret that later but by then it's too late.

I know this is a me problem and other people shouldn't have to put up with it, so it's fine for them to give up on me. However I would say if someone does this sort of thing, don't assume they're actually not interested, and feel hurt. It could be that they're also experiencing new anxiety.

ferningle, if you're not already, you can get help with that and probably should, for your own sake. You want to socialise, but can't, you regret cancelling. Meds or CBT can be very effective for this sort of thing. Cancelling last minute is the sort of behaviour that's going to risk destroying your friendships, especially if you don't have a diagnosis/your friends don't know (and sometimes even if they do, a lot of people still shy away from anything MH related and will make the right noises but then distance themselves).

Just ask them if there is a problem. You can't second guess what's going on in someone else's mind and we can't either. You know them best, just ask. If you feel there us too much distance between you to be open with them, well maybe they feel the same way.

Thanks. Just to clarify - I don't cancel once I've agreed to do something, it's more that we talk in principle about how it would be good to catch up and then someone suggests a date, and that's when the anxiety kicks in, so I find myself making an excuse and kicking the can down the road a bit. Still really annoying for people, I know, but I'm not standing them up as such. I try to suggest things myself sometimes, so I know exactly what's going to happen when, and I've had some time to get used to the idea before it becomes real. In any case, it's never because I don't like the person or care about them any more.

I think you eventually realise that these old friends are not really friends any more. It's too long since you had that real close friendship, you don't know them any more too much water under the bridge. And it becomes a bit of a chore to keep it up. What's the point really, you have your current friends and your family, the old friends however close you were then are almost ghosts from the past.

Why would you be drinking a caffeinated drink after 8pm though? Problem is that as we get older some of us need more rest and sleep so an earlier meeting time is better. Eating late gives some of us acid.
What's so bad with meeting earlier during the week and leaving the later meetups for the weekend?

I'm in my 50s and have lots of friends of my age approx who happily down espressos after a dinner party at midnight and are completely unaffected. (I adore coffee and wish I could do it, but I wouldn't sleep a wink.)

"who happily down espressos after a dinner party at midnight and are completely unaffected."

I bet that's after a good part of a bottle of wine as well though.

If I had even one coffee, i'd be zooming round the room. I cant take caffeine at all.

Not necessarily -- the two I can immediately think of, because they had dinner here last Saturday night when we didn't eat till around nine, were both driving, and didn't drink.

Yes, but what they didnt tell you was that after they had coffee with you and then left, one of then drove to John O'Groats and the other one drove to Land's End. 😂

This really resonated for me.

My friend (we're both in our 40s) used to be so fun, caring, interesting and inspirational. I really looked up to her when we were in our 20s; I wanted to be as brave and mature as her.

For the past few years all she does is complain about her (actually very fortunate) life. The death knell for our friendship was when I spent an entire two hour lunch listening to her complaining about her teen childs sport team. She didn't notice my eyes glazing over or ask me a single question. If I asked about her other friends, or tried to talk about my own life, she'd immediately pick up her phone and start scrolling. As soon as i finished speaking she'd put her phone down, completely ignore what I'd said and go straight back into her monologue. It's boring, and more than boring - it's selfish.

The old her would have never done this, but the new her is horrible and I don't want to be friends with this new person.