Old friends going a bit ' funny'

[Daygloboo]

Not really AIBU. More a general question. I've had 2 very dear friends who go back years and years. One from school. One from later teenage years. Always had a great laugh, been on holidays, etc etc. Been geographically far apart for a long time but still met up occasionally, emails now and then, odd text here and there, few phone calls etc. But not constant contact as just too difficult to keep it up due to everyday life getting in the way and them living hundreds of miles away. ( They arent connected to each orher ). Then a couple of years ago I just noticed a sort of almost disrespectful lack of effort creeping in, which i found hurtful as we really had been very good friends. I know they werent getting demented or anything like that even though they are getting older, but they seem to be much more indifferent or almost disrespectful in their communication style than they once were. Sort of self - obsessed and wrapped up in themselves. It was never like that before. Anyone else had this ? Do such good friends really drop off and almost change character after so many years ? There has been no alienating ' event' or anything like that. Or did I not know the real them in the first place ? What are your experiences of this. It really is a bit confusing and upsetting as I have such fond memories.

I’ve known my friend since we were three. sixty years or so. This year I’ve lost a lot of weight. She knows I’ve been trying all my life. She was very complimentary but knowing her so well I could see she was extremely taken aback. Haven’t heard from her since. I guess I was useful as the fat friend. Regrettable, but if that is in fact why, after all these years it turns out she’s no loss. I’ve concluded it proves that however well you think you know someone…you don’t 😢

I totally get where you’re coming from.

I have/had a friend that I was very close to. She moved abroad approx 10 years ago and I’ve barely heard from her since. First few years we saw each other occasionally, odd text message. Then texts got less and less - more me messaging her but I’d get replies back that seemed to shut the conversation down. Most recently I invited her to my wedding and she did come with her husband, but left the evening early and I’ve barely heard from her since. Sent a thank you card and messaged but again got a shut down reply, then nothing. I’ve not bothered since and feel a bit hurt by it all.

Loloj yes very hurtful. I lost a friend was 20+ friendship. She had alot on personally. I saw a nasty side which is hard to move on from. Sometimes when we stop being useful.. it does hurt though.

Oh God how depressing, as if I wasn't hating getting older enough!

Tbh I am not even after going Out Out - just a bloody cup of tea together at someone's house would do but even that seems "too much" sometimes! And these are people who we have spent a lot of time with over the years so I would hope they do actually like spending time with us!

Have you ever thought of becoming a therapist?

Cheers for that. Not!

You are judging despite the fact that you have no idea who paid for my trips, how much they cost, where I went, how long for, whether I stayed with friends or family or in a hotel, a youth hostel or whatever. My friend knows these details.

I'm quite young and I notice friends drop off. I find it upsetting too when you have shared some great times with them and it makes me wonder why we can't continue to do this. I put it down to people's lives changing and the longer you're not in contact, the easier it is to drift apart. It can be easy to say "oh I need to message them" and then life gets in the way and more days past.
It can feel sad and people change too.

My sister who is significantly older than me has over the years become much more abrupt in messages, noticed by others to, sometimes answering with one word, but irl same as always so I put it down to less capacity or tolerance with texting etc?

I can relate to this and think it's also COVID that's affected a lot of people perhaps especially middle aged. I was mid 40s when it hit, handling an aging parent with Alzheimer's, carer burnout and then their death, plus another 2 deaths in the same span of time. This stage of life I can barely handle family life, teen hormones, and work. Then on top of that my hormones.

Had a very long term close friend ghost me a few years ago, I knew they'd had a breakdown and I even wanted to help, but they really went off the deep end. it really hurt and I realise I'd been more deep friend to them than they'd been mine. The kind of person that doesn't make a truce to even send a note to commiserate your parents death. They tried to apologise several times over the years, but I see now I'm worth more than that. But it's made me so wary now of making new friendships because I could get hurt again. I think I'm lonely but I'm worried about expending that energy, I'm just too tired and still recovering in grief. I've not lost hope though, I am a kind and thoughtful friend, the ones I do have are amazing. But COVID definitely had an. Impact on society I think.

It’s clear that the OP‘s post resonates with many of us. I’ve also noticed how my group of friends has diminished over the years, though I’m still lucky to have a few good friends that I do see face-to-face on a regular basis.

As others have mentioned, I think the pandemic caused a sea change in our society generally. Most English people tend to be a bit introverted and I suspect that many of them found the isolation caused by the pandemic to be actually quite a relief from the pressures of socialising. They found they could be quite happy by themselves, and I think many people were surprised by that discovery.

Another major factor is the atomisation of society generally. Because of our constant interaction with the internet we've become far more self-contained – in simple terms we no longer feel the need for interactions with other people as we did in pre-internet days. The fact is that many people now prefer spending their time online, which is predictable and controllable, rather than deal with the randomness of interacting with actual people on a face to face basis.

And I've also noticed that as I've got older I simply don't have as much energy and initiative as I used to. I find myself contemplating organising a social occasion and then abandoning the idea as it's just too much trouble.

But I don't think it's automatically a bad thing. Many of my "friends" were people whose company I enjoyed, but I can't say, hand on heart, that I actually miss seeing them - in fact, I hardly ever think of them at all. I do feel lucky that I'm as close as ever to what I think of as my "true" friends, and I'm happy to concentrate my efforts on them.

Hey OP, try not to take it personally

the world is changing fast. Nd how people communicate and manage friendships has been changing a lot

people in their 50s like you and me probably used to write to people in our teens (letters!) and landline calls, then email then social media and texts, now WhatsApp and TikTok

some people are generation stopped keeping up at different stages, my oldest friend is still sad I no longer write her letters but I find WhatsApp so much easier to communicate now

others change and now mainly share their lives on Instagram

some have changed to voice notes (I can’t get used to that 😂)

long phone calls I now only do with my dad who is 90, my sister, and 1 old friend

the world just changes and people no longer call eachother like they used to

well, that is my experience any way

Is it because they,ve other things going on?elderly parents,relatives to care for or illnesses? ..thats when your world is turned upside down x

I can hardly believe that my dearest friend of 40 years standing is now only intermittently friendly to me and seems barely interested in some matters we have been talking and laughing about for decades, and rolls her eyes at others. But it has happened, and I don't know why. I really don't. I can see that we have both got less tolerant than we used to be with age, and perhaps that accounts for much of it.
Sad, isn't it. I don't expect friendships necessarily to last forever or even for a long time, but I thought this one would.
On the other hand, I have other old friends whose company I enjoy as much as ever, even though meetings are harder to arrange because we all live much further away than we used to.

I agree - many of my close friends have moved to another part of the country. I always made the effort to keep in touch but lately I've got fed up with initiating it. It's as if they can't be bothered. We are all in our early seventies although I still work full time. I get resentful as I'm the busiest and yet I'm the one getting in touch with them. It may well be an age thing, it's quite depressing as I still feel quite lively and enthusiastic!
I do think an effort needs to be made by everyone as relationships need to be nurtured. It's important to have a narrative if what's going in in other people's lives or you lose closeness.

This is so true @MySweetGeorgina and I have followed the exact same paths of communicating as you. When you see it written down like that it makes you realise how things have changed.

I do think that not everyone has managed to keep up with them or maybe can't write so easily in the style of how they are in person.

😂

I agree with this.

Time to take the unsubtle hint and move on then. If they get back in touch at some point and you feel like it you can catch up then.

Im sorry to hear that. Bit of a shock, isnt it.

Yes i think you are best to forget about her. She's not making any effort.

I think this has happened to my friend. I can try to analyse it and come up with all sorts of reasons but i think the true reason is she's getting old and just cant be bothered any more. Shes just into herself and her family.

Or she no longer finds you interesting or engaging and is trying politely to shake you off.

Either way, it's clear she doesn't want to see you.

We have got very different lives, for sure and probably have a different outlook on life.

It's really common to move on from old friendships, people do change over the years, you will have too. It's actually unusual nowadays to stay friends with people for decades, given we are much more spread out than we once were.

Another major factor is the atomisation of society generally. Because of our constant interaction with the internet we've become far more self-contained – in simple terms we no longer feel the need for interactions with other people as we did in pre-internet days. The fact is that many people now prefer spending their time online, which is predictable and controllable, rather than deal with the randomness of interacting with actual people on a face to face basis.

Yeah I think it’s this. I do make a concious effort to actually ring people as I bloody hate texting and voice notes are for teenagers!
I think nowadays everyone needs to try and resist the insularity of social media, Netflix and wotnot.
Honestly though, the way some of you are taking about 50s, bring so tired and shattered by work and life, or semi retired, not leaving the house after 8… you are still in your prime!

My mum had a couple of close friends from bring late teens and they were really close right up until she died so it can happen.
Effort has to come from both sides though.