Old friends going a bit ' funny'

[Daygloboo]

Not really AIBU. More a general question. I've had 2 very dear friends who go back years and years. One from school. One from later teenage years. Always had a great laugh, been on holidays, etc etc. Been geographically far apart for a long time but still met up occasionally, emails now and then, odd text here and there, few phone calls etc. But not constant contact as just too difficult to keep it up due to everyday life getting in the way and them living hundreds of miles away. ( They arent connected to each orher ). Then a couple of years ago I just noticed a sort of almost disrespectful lack of effort creeping in, which i found hurtful as we really had been very good friends. I know they werent getting demented or anything like that even though they are getting older, but they seem to be much more indifferent or almost disrespectful in their communication style than they once were. Sort of self - obsessed and wrapped up in themselves. It was never like that before. Anyone else had this ? Do such good friends really drop off and almost change character after so many years ? There has been no alienating ' event' or anything like that. Or did I not know the real them in the first place ? What are your experiences of this. It really is a bit confusing and upsetting as I have such fond memories.

why do you think this is?

It's the next 2 lines which are really profound:

"Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day"

I guess we all grow/change as life moves on, shedding some things and making room for others

Our priorities shift as we age

For some women in peri/menopause low hormones can change their emotions and perspective, and not in a good way, and they don't even realise it themselves until too late when relationships have been destroyed.

I can understand.. I just can't be bothered.. people only want to talk about themselves, or yes, their politics. I'd rather just be with my family now. Getting out & about is harder, & I don't enjoy it as much.

I think this can happen at any age as people's circumstances change but people need to honest.

I feel like once my parents retired in their 50s they got very set in their ways, self centred and retold the same stories. They seem to have aged 20 years in a few years. They don’t like to do things not in their routine.

They may have developed new, closer friends where they live or possibly they don’t really like you anymore or think you’re worth the effort. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but just possible reasons.

I don't know if this has been already said but at late 50s you have less energy that your 20s (I'm 58) so sometimes you are how choosy about how you spend it.

I have friends who I genuinely enjoy and when they ring up to go out for a drink or a meal, I really look forward to it - because we are all on the same page (we enjoy a drink & a good vibrant conversation).

Then I have other old friends where life has taken them in other directions who sometimes it feels like an effort to see them. I'm not too fond of my late 50s career obsessed women friends who talk about nothing but work. Clearly career has been important to them (whereas it hasn't been to me) and I often feel as if they want to share their achievements a little too much. Some are at Directorate level and frankly it can get a bit boring. Likewise some women get divorced or have relationship breakdowns and grab onto feminism like a life raft and that can be quite tedious as well. No time for man hating.

Then also, sometimes you just can't be arsed with friends that become too negative and don't bring good vibes anymore into your life. The grumpy old men & women types; moaners; etc.

Just have fun. We may only have 20 years left. I wanna be around friends who make me laugh and who enjoy life. With my first group of friends, we have a rule where we don't talk about our ailments unless it is something serious, because that is also boring and ageing.

Of course, it doesn't always work out as easy as it is to write it.

Mine haven’t but I notice some of my older friends heading this way.
I do find people lose the lightness and humour.
I have friends from a previous job who we have been in touch with for 15 years. One banged on about her dog for the entire evening and the other about her weight loss journey. I mean 10 mins if both fine but they literally steered the conversation round to their topics all the way through lunch ….yawn.

Maybe your friends are menopausal?
look on YouTube and insta for: Just being Melani, and the We do not care club. Sadly lighthearted.

Does the timing mean that this change wasn't to do with Covid? I think there was a general personality shift in British society then.
I've actually found that people in their late 50s and 60s are often very engaged, very interested in lots of things, very over-represented at cultural events, talks, discussion groups and so on. Especially women.

I have to admit I'm late 40s and won't leave the house after 8 except on Friday and Saturday night, and even then I'd rather meet earlier.
I have friends ten years older than me and they do go out less often. It seems to be a natural progression.

OMG YES! I know exactly what you mean OP!

My best friend whom I have known for about 20 years has become like this. She used to be such a fun, vibrant, outgoing, caring person and we used to laugh until we cried. Nowadays, all she ever talks about is getting old and how awful it is getting old. Her only topic of conversation now is moaning and negativity. We are in our 40s, we aren't 90!

The weird thing is- nothing in her life is actually that bad, if anything, I have had far more stress with my both parents dying and being ill whilst she still has both of her parents who are both healthy and supporting her with school pick ups and child care every single day. Yet all she does now is moan and complain and be totally self centred. I look back and wonder when the fck she became like this because she never used to be.

She's also become really self centred about contact too- expecting me to do all the running and then when I do all I ever hear about is her stuff, never asks me anything about my life, I seem to have become her unofficial therapist and its draining as heck. I feel really sad about it- the kind and fun friend I loved and cared about has gone and seems to have been replaced with someone really selfish that I actively dislike 😔

Just have fun. We may only have 20 years left. I wanna be around friends who make me laugh and who enjoy life. With my first group of friends, we have a rule where we don't talk about our ailments unless it is something serious, because that is also boring and ageing

Totally agree. Life is short. I dont want to spend what's left of it complaining and moaning about everything. Noone ever says on their death bed "I really wish I had spent more time complaining about everything"

Sadly, I know exactly what you mean.
With 2 of my closest friends, although we went our own ways, we kept in touch and whenever we did meet up we simply picked up where we left off.
In the last few years though things have been different. I know people change but it is hard to accept far less understand.
I want things to be like they were before but they don't seem to.
And I question, have I changed? Probably but not so much that I have forgotten those precious times.
I have to accept that it was of it's time and just relish the memories.

I have a friend, almost a best friend as we have known each other from late teens, thats many years! Accidently found out that we are at opposite ends of the political spectrum now, and this caused a big row ( as some hurtful things were said by her). I was heartbroken as i wondered what had changed, how this could cause a friendship breakup. we had never mentioned politics before that. We made a pact that we wouldn’t ever mention politics again. Just saying, might not be of any use to you…

This is such an interesting thread. Much of it resonates with me.

I’ve realised that i don’t like my sisters at all and as am orphan…. I’m free to only live on intermittent contact, much of that to facilitate the cousin relationships. Very liberating!

I think I could guess here.

You have a serious chronic condition that means you can’t work. Yet you are showing off your amazing overseas holidays photos.
I can see it’s tricky to talk about how debilitating your health condition is but then to have to appreciate your holidays abroad .

I match their energy now or lack of. God its hard. Some have grandkids and you never see them. Im 50s. People super flaky too. It does put you off planning things. I meet 3 friends now thats def it as its same you either ghosted or they non comittal

I’m older than you and no, we don’t all go a bit funny at this age. Maybe your friends just can’t be bothered to keep in touch with you. I still have a good social life with a few different groups of friends and we have lots arranged for this year.

Is it possible that they're exhausted by looking after grandchildren? Some grandmothers work harder after retirement than before it.

I feel v lucky. Late 50s and lots of mates from decades back who still go to gigs, pubs, clubs, exhibitions etc. They haven’t changed a bit. Most live in cities, which I think makes socialising easier, as always stuff going on and lots of interesting new people (including younger people) to get to know.

But what I find is the time just zooms by, certainly for me still living with kids and working full time again. You blink and 5 bloody years have gone by!

Think we shouldn’t underestimate the impact of surviving the pandemic, which we’re still coming out of in many ways. For those of us who were early 50s when it hit, the WFH, and generally getting used to being at home more, is tough to come out of. It’s made me much happier to chill at home. Putting a bra and proper shoes on now seems like a huge effort!

Like lots of people in 50s (though few of my friends) my long-term relationship ended at the same time as pandemic. Some friends (who knew us both) became more distant, including a couple who’ve stayed in unfulfilling relationships, who seemed uncomfortable that I was starting anew. I also found it hard to chat on the phone to some mates (who wanted to talk about life rather than music, sport, films etc), as I was going through a lot but didn’t want to put them on a downer or lie and say I was grand. And was sometimes hard to hear their news of paid-off mortgages and foreign holidays (and “first world” problems), when I was struggling to find somewhere I could afford to rent.

Thank Christ, none of my friends have lurched to the right - if anything quite the opposite. But aware some older men have got dragged into algorithms and got much more ‘ranty’. Though, TBF every generation’s had their share of angry young men who turn into reactionary old ones.

With friends who live miles away, I try to make an effort to visit or meet halfway for a weekend away, or meeting in the daytime for lunch, every couple of years. There’s no substitute for in-person meet ups and well worth the effort. But TBF it’s often me instigating. Feel sad I have no space at home to host or throw parties as I used to.

Finally, I think what helped me was several really close friends died young. People who were the life and soul. Made me (and mutual friends) appreciate how important it is to see people and enjoy life. Life’s short and you never know what’s around the corner.

It may be a political difference thing if you do talk politics in your comms?

The political divide between right and left has never been more polarised due to divisive and populist politics.

Otherwise its probably just aging - particularly if they are working still. I am shattered after work. Ive little time for energy on a social life and im happy staying in. I do respond to messages but often im too tired for calls. I dont think any less of friends though but i just struggle to keep spinning all the plates. I doubt its nothing more than that.

Have you said anything?
If not maybe push with humour she does nothing but moan and you miss her.
She may miss herself too.

I'm so sorry to hear you're experiencing this from two different friends, original commenter, God Bless You 💚
Yes I've experienced similar & when they're unrelated friends, it naturally makes us wonder did I do something wrong?
Even though sometimes it's completely confusing & we can't think of anything our friends might've took offence to, I feel in my humble opinion, I still can be prone to blame myself 🫂
However, equally you sound like a really compassionate kind caring respectful person, & a lovely friend to have - Someone who should be valued
It seems like you really value your friendships especially knowing you wouldn't be upset by your friends hostile disrespect & posting here on Mumsnet if you weren't a genuine friend & thoughtful soul 💚
I'm sure you're very sensitive to your friends feelings, therefore you deserve the same equal respect 🫂
Have you thought of asking your friends gently something along the lines of "Is everything ok we don't seem to have the same warmth or depth to our interactions in recent times?" I'm praying this question might well bring you some enlightenments which you deserve - Whatever you choose I wish you the utmost very best Sincere Soul
💚🕯️🫂🕯️💚