Old friends going a bit ' funny'

[Daygloboo]

Not really AIBU. More a general question. I've had 2 very dear friends who go back years and years. One from school. One from later teenage years. Always had a great laugh, been on holidays, etc etc. Been geographically far apart for a long time but still met up occasionally, emails now and then, odd text here and there, few phone calls etc. But not constant contact as just too difficult to keep it up due to everyday life getting in the way and them living hundreds of miles away. ( They arent connected to each orher ). Then a couple of years ago I just noticed a sort of almost disrespectful lack of effort creeping in, which i found hurtful as we really had been very good friends. I know they werent getting demented or anything like that even though they are getting older, but they seem to be much more indifferent or almost disrespectful in their communication style than they once were. Sort of self - obsessed and wrapped up in themselves. It was never like that before. Anyone else had this ? Do such good friends really drop off and almost change character after so many years ? There has been no alienating ' event' or anything like that. Or did I not know the real them in the first place ? What are your experiences of this. It really is a bit confusing and upsetting as I have such fond memories.

this is why we need new friends who live locally and share interests. I like chatting about an activity rather than ‘how’s your kids’ ‘how’s your limp’ etc

I think people are just much more anti social in general. People have more stuff to keep them occupied and less time to get bored and don’t feel the need for social interactions as much imo. Taken up with scrolling their phones/SM, endless TV channels, all exacerbated by Covid, people are more selfish in general.

People’s mental health is also declining in general.

I never ring anyone for a phone chat, haven’t for years.

I agree that 62 isn't old

But sadly, it's really something I find noticeable

With the men I'm thinking of, there was quite a sudden change. I do wonder if they have health problems. "Tetchy" is exactly the word I would use.

Someone mentioned retirement, I think it's more likely that work is too overwhelming for them.

Tbh a lot of my friends seem to have gone really boring!! They never want to do anything anymore, always too tired.

We're only early 40s!! Kids are getting older so I had been hoping we would have more time on our hands but nope, apparently everyone seems busier than ever and can't leave the house after 8pm.

It's pretty depressing!

Im 50s its very mixed. Have a work colleague who never goes out.. op people more flaky now. I try to have a few friends. I deleted the must meet soon xx numbers as got one sided efforts. Met a friend last week.

What does disrespectful lack of effort mean? This sounds so strange.

People juggling alot too. Friends mam 80s. She full time work too. Kids sport at wends. I visit my mam on saturdays so that day gone. Its hard keeping friendships going aswell

It is a weird coincidence that BOTH of them, at the SAME time have appeared to distance themselves from you, and that you say they are wrapped up in each other.

Are you sure you haven't inadvertently offended 1 and the other one is "on her side"?

TBH I think its sort of normal

Im not one who keeps friends forever, I have the friends I see daily or weekly, but if we fall out of each others radar, ie someone moves, changes jobs, then I just dont keep the friendship going - its too much hard work.

Im in my 60's, still working, carer for mother, grandmother to three - house and garden to worry about - all taking that bit longer now, its enough finding time to meet for a coffee once a week with a friend who lives the other side of town

And then there is the guilt. " I must ring/text" and a week goes by, then a month and it just gets harder to pick up the phone

Agree with this

'They shake their heads.....'not 'they look at me'.

Also - "Well something's lost, but something's gained"

It's not the same but my 2 oldest & closest friends & I have drifted apart, we live locally to each other & we're late 40's, they have had health & peri menopause symptoms & I feel awful saying this but we just don't laugh together like we used to & I find contact with them quite tricky at the moment. I'm not giving up though as I love them & we have so much history so I'm hoping this is a blip.

Oh my good god. YES. ,One is a man and yes he has become more obsessed with politcs. That's a really interesting observation. He's gone very strange. Much further to the right and almost ranting in emails. It's been quite horrible and upsetting because we were really good friends and used to have lots of laughs together. Wow !!! At one point i thought hecwas going round the twist. Such a contrast with how he used to be.

I've had much the same experience. A friend I have been close to for about 20 years seems to have become incredibly self-centered. The other strange thing is she very noticeably started distancing herself from me when I left my abusive ex (she barely knows him but knows me well).

Around the time that I left my ex, I would ask her if she had seen my holiday snap on social media and she would say that she almost never looks at social media because it is bad for her mental health, so I would WhatsApp her the photo I wanted her to se.e. Then she started saying that my holiday snaps were upsetting her because it reminded her that she couldn't afford to go abroad. I pointed out that she does go and stay in 5-star hotels in the UK for about 4 days a couple of times of year and she could instead decide to go abroad and stay in a cottage or less luxurious hotel but apparently only. 5 star hotels are good enough! I go to lovely places but do not stay anywhere fancy.

After a few months of this. I finally decided to disconnect from her on social media because I found myself worrying about upsetting her every time I posted something which was a ridiculous situation to be in.

A few hours later, she messaged me saying she was so upset at what I had done! (Having repeatedly told me that she virtually never looks at social media). So definitely a case of damned If I do and damned if I don't.

Also, when this friend does contact me; she never asks how I am, even though I have a serious chronic illness which has made me too ill to work. It's really very odd behavior.

I never said it was. I think as we get older life changes us.

Basically texting to say they will speak and making it sound like it is going to happen and then when i follow up they just are ' going out ' . That sort of thing.

Of course, it must be men. Because women are always perfect and wonderful.

I’m of that age. Last April an old friend from school cancelled on me twice with a really lame excuse both times. I let it go thinking she was ghosting me to be honest. To receive a Xmas card saying we must meet up. It’s the mixed messages I find confusing. One of my siblings had turned very odd and bitter from mid fifties to sixties. I do wonder if something health wise is starting. I can’t get on with her at all, having had a good relationship before.

Thanks

I agree with this. I currently have an issue with a very old friend who makes zero effort to meet up and seems to think the friendship can be maintained with the odd text update about her life. I am certainly feeling the closeness diminish and I've given up trying to get us to spend time together.

I think often people think that shared past experiences/old friendships means things will never change and you can always just pick up where you left off, but I don't think that's true really, even strong friendships need nurturing.

Yeah, the trouble is if you push it because you are trying to get back what you had and you're not sure if the other person is interested then it can be awkward. I have sadly decided to restrict it to cards at birthday and xmas even though it makes me sad. I dont want anymore of me suggesting a calll only to have them duck out of it. I have to simply face the fact that they seem to live in their own world now and that's the way they like it. But it is sad after all the fun and many memories.

In instances like this I’d just presume they do not really want to meet up/stay friends but feel guilty and are paying lip service to you.

I have a friend who is extremely flaky and rarely gets in touch unless she’s at a loose end for something to do. In which case I agree to meet her if it suits me and I fancy it. I never spend money to do anything any more as she’s let me down a couple of times when we’ve bought tickets for things (at her request) and then she’s cancelled.

She messaged me the other day about an event and I just said “can’t do that sorry”.

Just treat them the same as they treat you and take from the relationship what you will as in - I still have a laugh when we meet up so I’m ok to see her still now and again, if it suits me. I go into it thinking she’ll probably cancel so that I’m not disappointed!

Op - regarding your male friend, I do think this is definitely just a men getting older thing. My dh is exactly the same - has become obsessed with politics and the state of the world etc. I told him the other day he needs to stop looking at the news as I can’t be doing with it!

No i think it was a genuine fun friendship on both sides, although you can never truly know what another person thinks of you. But in the case of me and this particular friend, I dont think there was any bad behaviour on my part or underlying hostility from her.

I’m mid 50s and only have 2 or 3 close friends now. The others I either fell out with or ditched in my 40s.

Some FB friends I went to school with keep saying we’ll meet up but we never do.

I do think this is an age thing.