Old friends going a bit ' funny'

[Daygloboo]

Not really AIBU. More a general question. I've had 2 very dear friends who go back years and years. One from school. One from later teenage years. Always had a great laugh, been on holidays, etc etc. Been geographically far apart for a long time but still met up occasionally, emails now and then, odd text here and there, few phone calls etc. But not constant contact as just too difficult to keep it up due to everyday life getting in the way and them living hundreds of miles away. ( They arent connected to each orher ). Then a couple of years ago I just noticed a sort of almost disrespectful lack of effort creeping in, which i found hurtful as we really had been very good friends. I know they werent getting demented or anything like that even though they are getting older, but they seem to be much more indifferent or almost disrespectful in their communication style than they once were. Sort of self - obsessed and wrapped up in themselves. It was never like that before. Anyone else had this ? Do such good friends really drop off and almost change character after so many years ? There has been no alienating ' event' or anything like that. Or did I not know the real them in the first place ? What are your experiences of this. It really is a bit confusing and upsetting as I have such fond memories.

I am experiencing the same thing too, with a very old friend and more recent ones. I am late 50’s and one friend I’ve had for over 50 years just doesn’t seem bothered about keeping in touch anymore, very sad but you can’t force these things (I know she is absolutely fine so it’s not that something has happened).

This is my first thought too. I think women often just stop “needing” others in the same way as they get older. I know I don’t. I enjoy my own space too much.

Yeah. Good point. That's one of the problems. Geographically far apart. Texting and emails isnt good enough really. It's limited.

Yeah. It's so sad. But then people talk about loneliness in old age.

Tbh, an occasional email, message or call doesn't sound like it's ever been a high effort relationship on anyone's part. Is it possible that its you who has changed and now wants a higher level of input than is the norm? It's strange that two of your friends have both changed. Because no, I don't recognise it as age related. I'm 56 and if anything I and my old friends make more effort now rather than less. Partly because we've more time now than when younger. Partly because a relationship that's lasted the best part of a half century is something to be prized.

Maybe with some. But it"'s not universally true otherwise you wouldnt get old age loneliness as such a big problem.

A close friend of mine, known each other over 30 years is the same. I moved 22 years ago but we spoke weekly on the phone, went on holiday together with our husbands each year. Would visit each other at least twice a year. She was witness at my 2nd wedding.
Then in 2022/23 it became a bit odd. Her husband can become easily offended and doesn't speak to many of his own family. So maybe either myself or my husband said something to offend 🤔
Anyway calls dropped off, arrangements to meet up never happened. She continued to reply to WhatsApp messages but I've stopped bothering sending any since just before Christmas.
It's sad but if they don't want to meet up after 3 years seems pointless.

I do wonder do people get busy with grandchildren as they get older and friendships aren't as important?

Thinking of you, it is upsetting xxx

Sadly women are two thirds more likely to develop dementia. The menopause changes brains in an Alzheimer type way
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c9qpp1g5ylvo

Yeah. One dies have a difficult husbsnd and a difficult child so msybe. They seem very wrapped up in each ither.

I was going to ask if they are men

Sorry to say, but I know a few men in this category who have gone really weird. One of them actually seems more like his elderly father.

There is an obsession with politics developing, and I actually wondered if it is because it's an easy thing to get obsessed with? And they feel lost in someway.

I might have considered dating, but if this is what's out there then no. Also, I know a couple of men who got divorced and I suspect their wives were the ones pushing them to carry on friendships.

Dayhloboo

I have noticed this too.

I find it disappointing and have mentioned it but having thought about it, it does take two people to make the effort. Therefore, it is ‘failing’ on both sides.

I was hoping that friends would remember what we shared, sadly some don’t agree ☹️

I have decided to move on this year because I realise I cannot force a friendship.

I'm a really bad friend.
Super busy all the time with family, work and dogs and close circle (2/3) friends.
Regular comms and catch ups are last thing on my mind.
Modern life can be exhausting in your 50s and if I thought an old friend was dissatisfied with my level engagement, I'd probably bin them off as i'd only let them down anyway.

We must have the same friend. One of our dear friends has become so self obsessed and tetchy, i really do think it is an age thing (he is 62)

I’m older than OP and have definitely noticed this.
It can have a lot of causes.
Retirement is one. If people are retired and financially secure, they can become very focussed on their next holiday and developing health issues.
If you’re active and involving yourself in lots of things, they may be very aware that they’re not and this may affect their behaviour.
I’m unsure whether any of this applies to OP?

I am in my 70s. I have a very close friend from my youth who I speak to weekly on the phone and she has become self obsessed - still love her, but don't get much back. Another friend has become more right wing so we have less to talk about, and another has dementia. Also none of us travel as much as we used to so it limits contact. I keep in touch as old friends are more important as we age but I also get out and meet new people as I am so aware of how much people can change with age - me included.

Oh come ON! 62 isn't old!

You lost me at 'disrespect'.

Yes, this. I also think a 'disrespectful lack of effort' is a strange phrase. You were close a long time ago, but for years it's been a matter of occasional texts? Surely it's just drifting, and 'respect' isn't relevant?

Same here OP mid 50s just given up trying to stay in contact with some old school friends, one doesn't even live that far away. I've lost count of the 1am New Years day text replies of "oh we must catch up this year" when you know they won't.

I don't think long distance friends dropping away in your late 50s is much to do with loneliness in old age, you're a long way off that. Loneliness in old age tends to be because friends and relatives have died, or the person concerned and their contemporaries have mobility or health problems and are restricted in what they can do. I've seen that with both my grandparents and parents.

I think it isn’t about age but society more widely. Post Covid, the focus on self, lack of awareness of others and reduction in community. You see it in all aspects of life these days. Even the lack of basic manners but grown adults is telling. I hope some of these things can be reversed but I fear they won’t. The more it doesn’t the more people then go down the same hole.

This has happened in my similar aged friendship group. I put it down to literally everyone I know at this age having serious "stuff" going on , from ill or infirm parents, them or their partner ill, adult children with problems, marital problems, financial problems etc and so they just don't have the bandwidth they once did. One other thought I have is that where people keep up with people they were very friendly with in younger years, there does come a point where you realise that realistically that person isn't going to be in your life much going forward because their or your life has now changed, they live far away etc and so you might reduce communication. This year I scaled back Christmas card sending a bit as had something big taking up my time in December and noticed that I received far fewer too - was that because others were in the same boat OR had they only been sending them in response to mine all this time? 🤔
A good friend said to me the other day that I never text her, it always comes from her. Now I LOVE this friend and apologised and said it's genuinely that I've just not had the capacity for anything extra, not anything she has done. And I resolved to be better as these people matter to me. Could you speak to your friends about it? 💐

(I definitely don't think what you're experiencing is about lack of manners or lack of respect)

How much effort and enthusiasm are you putting in yourself, OP?

Yes, I've noticed this with a good friend, although she's late 60s. She was always such a good laugh, really positive and optimistic, really upbeat. I now find that she's become really strongly opinionated and almost forceful about her own opinions and beliefs, not allowing any room for conversation. We are all part of a group and everyone has noticed it and is a bit saddened by it. It certainly adds tension to a group when someone gets like that.