Old friends going a bit ' funny'

[Daygloboo]

Not really AIBU. More a general question. I've had 2 very dear friends who go back years and years. One from school. One from later teenage years. Always had a great laugh, been on holidays, etc etc. Been geographically far apart for a long time but still met up occasionally, emails now and then, odd text here and there, few phone calls etc. But not constant contact as just too difficult to keep it up due to everyday life getting in the way and them living hundreds of miles away. ( They arent connected to each orher ). Then a couple of years ago I just noticed a sort of almost disrespectful lack of effort creeping in, which i found hurtful as we really had been very good friends. I know they werent getting demented or anything like that even though they are getting older, but they seem to be much more indifferent or almost disrespectful in their communication style than they once were. Sort of self - obsessed and wrapped up in themselves. It was never like that before. Anyone else had this ? Do such good friends really drop off and almost change character after so many years ? There has been no alienating ' event' or anything like that. Or did I not know the real them in the first place ? What are your experiences of this. It really is a bit confusing and upsetting as I have such fond memories.

Have seen a distinct change in the nature of several - but not all of my long term friendships now were in late 50s/60 and our children are at uni. It’s made me realise how much of my friendships were entirely rooted around our connection via children. Even when our kids were no longer close friends our bonds remained but now they have gone I can suddenly see that we had nothing else in common, that the things we are individually interested in, the social issues/values that define us are in many respects quite diametrically opposed these days.

We just don’t have that much in common or many joint interests. Our partners are also in different places, so also think that the type of holidays, retirement plans/dreams are so very different that there may be a thin thread of resentment of judgement too. Started reaching out to make new interest-based friends a couple of years ago to fill the void left by the old friends who I am drifting away from/have drifted away. Have decided it’s not personal - just different stages of life and a sign of how much we have each grown and changed.

I totally recognise this too.

Ive distanced myself over the years from a friend I’ve known from childhood for these same reasons. It’s difficult to just not see her altogether as we’re part of a group that have grown up together.

But I know from comments made to others that she wonders why we’re not close anymore. It’s very difficult conversation to have though - saying “well I know you’re a little put out that I’m doing very well and make it clear with your pass-agg comments” probably wouldn’t go down well! But I just have no time for people that aren’t happy for me, as I am for them.

Yeah that's difficult to fathom. Not sure what is going on there. Obviously she's got stuff going on in her head that she's just not sharing with you. Some.kind of mental health episode that you just dont know the ins and outs of I guess.

I also have friends who have become more immersed in politics the older they get, and more unhappy as a result. Whereas I increasingly steer clear of news and current affairs because it's so depressing and there's nothing I can do to alter world events.

This meant more-or-less losing one lovely old friend who used to share a lot with me, but her world quite rapidly shrank to an obsessive focus on politics, and she lost interest in most other aspects of life.

As for me, I do find myself becoming more morbid, mournful and morose as the years go by, but I try hard to keep that out of my communications with friends and relatives, even if it means a lot of forced cheeriness (which can actually cheer me up in the end).

I've been in touch with two of my closest friends since our teens. We went through a lot together and have, naturally, experienced even more since then. I think we feel bonded by our shared past: after all, no-one you meet as an adult has the same history as you. These should be the kind of friendships that last forever, which you can just drop and pick up as if you'd seen each other last week. And, for decades, they were.

In my fifties, I discovered I don't like either of them now 😬 I don't think any of us has changed character: it's more that each of our most defining qualities have become bigger, more dominant - and these qualities are incompatible. It's true that menopause brings a welcome sense of "bugger that game, I don't care" ... and this means we're less willing to overlook other people's unwelcome facets out of loyalty to a long-ago past.

It's bugging me at the moment because a small group of school friends is organising a weekend away. I want to go but they assume our band of three will be thrilled to be glued to each other for three days! I'd be pushed to enjoy three hours!

Your perspective is very interesting. Thank you!

I’m early 60’s Ive moved I now live 100s of miles from friends I’d known for years. I’ve made new friends, a new life for myself, pursue my hobbies often with my new friends, I have dogs they take a lot of my time, I also make a huge effort to spend as time as possible with my DCs I prioritise seeing them over everyone else but neither live anywhere near me and that takes up a lot of my spare time and on top of that I work full time.
Im always pleased to chat to my old friends on the phone we “get on” and if I’m in my old stomping grounds it’s great to catch up but……my life has moved on they have fallen off my radar and in fairness Ive fallen off theirs. Yes we have a “compatibility” but when we chat what do we talk about? Family, (I think of your friends have DCs and even grand children you do get to a certain age where you want to see them as much as possible and will prioritise this), they gossip about neighbours where I used to, all our recent holidays, maybe a bit of politics, but I think it takes are very special and probably rare friendship to really weather a long distance and just our generally busy lives.
On retiring I’ll move again, hopefully my last move, again three hundreds of miles from where I am now, I have good friends here but they too will fall off my radar and I off theirs as I make new friends and a new life and their lives will continue without me.

Similar for me I’m early 50s. Most noticeable with my best friend since school. It started changing mid 40s. I moved away about 20years ago. We both have a lot going on but when before we were comfort and support for one another now , we’ve got each other through some bad breakups divorces and so on, I have a big gaping hole where there’s no one. I try to stay in contact as much as I can but it’s really hard when I don’t get anything back.

I tried to arrange a weekend away together a few years ago, I saved up then called friend to arrange what we were doing and she hit the roof and was really awful to me, I still don’t understand it all. That asides the last time I saw her was when I went home 2 years ago, I had a free day to see her. She choose the day for us to have the day together for a lunch out and so on, then lunchtime finally contacted me to say she’d be with me about 2, she stayed one hour then left. It’s not nice when that happens especially when you are on holiday. Previous holidays similar had happened when we tried to meet up with her and her partner, we’d be left waiting for them half a day. The last time they actually visited me was 8 years ago now, I thought she was visiting me for the weekend 2 years ago for my birthday but she never came, that really was upsetting as it was my birthday and I had not made any other plans. I hear comments over the years about its so far to travel….it’s the same distance for me to travel but that’s seen as ok.

I’ve tried phone calls recently after years of not calling as she’s too busy to talk to me. I called last autumn we had a lovely chat I thought things were back on track. Thrn I hear nothing again. I called again last week but no answer and no getting back to me so I think that’s me done as I can’t forever be the one making all the effort.

I'm sure you've thought of this, @OneNewEagle, but is it possible your friend's husband restricts her activity? My controlling, misanthropic father interfered with Mum's friendships to the point where she abandoned them for 20 years or so. After he died, she made efforts to pick some of them up and was delighted when her oldest pal responded enthusiastically. They enjoyed many years of renewed friendship.

On the other hand, maybe she doesn't like you any more ...

Oh I so agree with some of these posters. I've known one friend for nearly 40 years and it suddenly hit me recently that I don't really like her. I've become more intolerant of her self centredness, I used to think I could help her.. that was my role in the relationship but I think I've realised that she enjoys being needy... And I get little in return. Differences become more acute as we age.. and I'm done

Yes! Exactly this. Too much to go into obviously but this certain undercurrent has gone on since school. Deeply envious of others. Wants what everyone else has got. Deceitful and spiteful. For almost 40 years I called her a friend. Now I describe her as someone I’ve known a long time. A friend wouldn’t behave how she has x

Time is precious as we age so its ok to just move on while remembering someone fondly.

I would add that as we age if we have have stress/worries with husbands and children, we often don't have the bandwidth to keep up distant friendships.

Sometimes even close friendships can be too much.

Drop the rope OP and focus on those thst are available to you.

Yes I concluded they didn’t want to keep in touch. But why then send a card saying we must meet up? I’d rather spend time with people who want to keep in touch.

Keeping her foot in the door in case she’s at a loose end maybe?

Some people are just extremely flaky and don’t have much loyalty. When you yourself are a loyal person who values friendships it can be very hurtful. I’ve had to really numb myself to this sort of behaviour over the years and try to be more like them. Try to adopt a more laissez faire attitude towards it 💐

Oh wow. It's strange isnt it. I get it, but I still think it's sad. I probably have a misplaced loyalty to the past and the length of the friendships. Just coz they are long friendships doesnt automatically mean they still work sadly.

Yeah maybe that happens.

I'm sure it's an age thing. I'm 55, and in all honesty, I can't be arsed with other people's bullshit anymore. Horribly selfish, and I do get a bit lonely sometimes (not that I'd ever admit that in real life!). But I have been fucked over a bit with the last few strong female friendships I've had, and it's knocked my trust. I just think it's easier not to bother.

Maybe thats why i feel a bit sad too because i dont feel friendships ive made later in life were as much fun as those warly ones. Theres something about someone knowing you feom young. Theres no pretence or bullshit.

Strangely I have recently reconnected with several people, male and female that I went to school with. We are mid 50s. We meet up every few months and have a group chat.

One joined the group chat and I found him very rude. Then I realised that he had always been rude but it was humourous when we were 16. It's not now.

One was a person I was really attracted to, now their looks have faded, there's nothing behind the facade. But they still act like everyone wants to sleep with them.

That said, others have developed into warm interesting people. One is still a nutty teenager!

I think as we age we look at friendship differently, we tend to see through people more and accept less in the way of bad behaviour. I think we are also often more self confident and don't put up with as much.

So op I'm sorry your friends have let you down. From what I have seen that often people get closer to old friends when they get over 70 and re evaluate the old friendships...hence peoples friend has a where are they now, as does the mail

People need to get involved in their communities and make local friends, which it sounds like they have done if they're always going out.

Technology based friendships have never appealed to me, could never see the point. That sort of thing is what keeps friendships going in between meeting up, IMO. If you're now all sufficiently old that meeting up isn't realistic any more then I can see why they've let the friendship go a bit and might fade out completely over time or just reduce to Christmas cards maybe.

Every friend I've had (both sexes) says when they got to around 50 they felt they wanted to slow down. I think it hits women particularly hard if they're experiencing menopause symptoms too, especially if they're still trying to work full time and/or have elderly parents or teenage children to deal with.

Most female work colleagues I had when younger, their DC had moved out by the time the parents were in their 50s, but even so they couldn't wait to retire at 60, they felt old and creaky and needed a rest from the daily grind, they were counting down the years and many ended up going part time throughout their 50s because they just couldn't take It all any more.

Now people work until 68, they haven't even got the countdown of the last ten years to go, which would make a huge difference psychologically, being able to tell yourself "just a few more years". Added to that anyone renting or unable to buy a house when they were younger, will have huge payments each month so probably can't afford to go part time for upto 18yrs from 50, despite how they may be feeling health-wise.

It sounds like a long distance friendship where you're possibly never going to see each other again just isn't a priority for them any more. Doesn't mean they don't care about you, just that it's not practical to maintain the friendship to any great degree any more.

This is so true. I was talking to DH about it the other day. Friends you make in your childhood/early adult life are very different to those you make later on as you don’t have that shared history.
I am mid-50s and I’m lucky that I have quite a few friends from various parts of my life.
i struggle with one I’ve known for nearly 40 years - she’s got more self-obsessed, and some things she does (habits) really grind my gears. I think the lockdowns changed her. She’s fallen out with a lot of people over the years so it’s not just me (we haven’t fallen out but I can see there’s a pattern here).
Ironically I’m the one with health issues which restrict what I can do somewhat, but she lives nearby and it’s not like we go drinking and clubbing anymore anyway!

Conversely I have another friend who I’ve known for the same amount of time but we have def got closer in the past couple of years. She’s been v supportive re my health issues.
i do think we get more set in our ways as we get older as well and annoying habits, obsessions, neuroses become ingrained.

Your post got me thinking last night, OP. I am a similar age (54). I do find that a certain kind of smugness has set in among some of my friends. I can't think of a better word for it. It's almost as though they made it this far, children are doing well and no desire to take an interest in friends lives anymore.

I meet up with a couple of my old friends regularly because they are both local. Both lovely but only one of them really makes an effort to take an interest in mine (or anyone else's) life. She has got quite a lot on though and is lovely so I tend to just think it's the way she is. She also overcame a serious illness when her daughter was very young so probably just feels a big sense of relief that life has calmed down for her.

Although I am settled down with my OH of 5 years, I still feel a longing for my girl friends company (mum no longer alive) and I know that I always will.

Yes that's all true, unfortunately.

I have started to realise lately that some of my friends have their own agenda or can be selfish so I have started not putting in as much effort

I’m also late 50s and have noticed this with some of my friends, particularly those that don’t live on the doorstep and more effort to meet is required. I think they have started to prioritise family again as their children start to get married, have children etc. I think we all limit our social interactions as we get older and make less effort. Sadly I think it’s another phase of life and why our friendship groups get smaller as we get older.