Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

Yes I probably shouldn’t have used that slur - I’ll hold my hands up to that - but that particular poster was very antagonistic and relentless in her constant commenting really unhelpful things.

Thank you for your understanding. It is very depressing when they make very ableist comments of oh why can’t you just get up and do it? They clearly have never lived with chronic health conditions that literally stop you from functioning at times.

Exactly that, my partner has always known what she was getting herself into, I have been open from the very beginning about my health and what it entails so she could make that informed decision about being with me, living with me etc.

A community that doesn’t agree with misogynists?

Yeah sums it up.

your partner should do housework but now 100% of it just because you’re ill. Get a cleaner - it’s almost the first piece of advice yet you refuse despite being able to afford it

If I was your partner, I’d do nothing for your child and nothing for your dog and I’d do my own cleaning and I’d hoover and wash clothes at the weekends.

So your partner is doing more than I would.

Surely if there are three of you in the house she is creating one third of the mess at most?

I hope your partner reads this thread op .

you come here angry about how you are treated, with very high expectations… yet you do not afford others basic respect.

calling people names because you feel annoyed is not ok. You say you don’t care what names you use but clearly don’t think about the effect that your words has on others.

it also feels like you are not looking at your domestic situation from your partners view point….

you are just thinking about you…

Yes exactly - and rather than thank their lucky stars that they have that support at a pertinent time, OP is moaning that their OH is behaving like a human and relaxing now and again

I have chronic health conditions.

I use my pip to pay for a cleaner and a young lad round the corner to walk the dog when me and OH can’t do it.

that’s why you should look at pip.

With what money?

She is just not to the Ops expected standards

Not her job to be responsible for your child.
I have EDS and many other conditions, sometimes you got to push through not just lie in bed all day it will make you worse. Even its just ten minutes, go sir down for a hour and then have another crack at the housework for ten minutes and repeat.
Or you could employ a cleaner?

Well then you’re extraordinarily lucky to have family who’d be willing to do that.

Cant you draw on their help now?

OK, but bluntly, is part of the issue that you didn’t want her to move in, but for some reason agreed to it?

Because if a family member had moved in, it would be entirely to support you with housework, childcare, dog walking etc, whereas your partner also has a FT job that involves changing shifts, and sees herself as having moved in to be your partner, not primarily as a carer/temporary support role.

I mean, would you prefer she wasn’t there atm, and a family member was living in and doing more instead?

Does your child do anything to help. At 10 she should be able to do hoovering, laundry, dusting, dishes, clean a bathroom and cook a basic dinner.

She has quite severe autism and doesn’t understand the concept of doing things like that - I guess that’s something else that mumsnet is ableist about

I have chronic health conditions.

I know my limitations.

I work full time.

I don’t have bandwidth to do any more.

I also won’t take on someone else’s child. I deliberately wouldn’t have dated you because I’m not up for that.

I have had my children and I don’t want to do anything to do with anyone else’s. My partner has grow up kids but when his were still at home we didn’t live together.

We have a dog. But that dog was got as a joint decision. If I didn’t have and didn’t want a dog I wouldn’t be taking to do with it.

i Have boundaries. My partner knew what they were when we got together. If he didn’t like it he was free to leave at any time.

No, it’s just not what you like to hear.

And I don’t shut up when told, I’m not a dog - YOI started very early in this thread being nasty to almost every poster.

Its very clever that you expect women to be a certain type of way, and lose your temper when they don’t perform as expected.

I think you’ve had some really harsh replies OP.

But it sounds like living together isn’t working out. Has she given up where she was living before? I would be looking at how to save the relationship (if you don’t want to break up) but no longer live together.

The replies would have been different if you were a woman posting about a man (so people didn’t assume you were a man), or weirdly enough I think the general consensus of how much is fair to do would have been different if it had been your partner posting, she’d have been told to do her fair share of the housework.

@LucyYak21 I note you said you didn’t want her to move in - and it’s been a couple of months. All you can do is have a chat about general tidiness and whether or not your standards are too different (perhaps it just doesn’t bother her, or she doesn’t even notice). But I think you might be better off going back to how you were. Why was she so keen - did she want to spend more time together, or was her housing difficult? Because to me, it sounds like the extra mess is detracting from the living together experience in a way that means you are now unhappier than before. Things should not carry on in that way if that is the case - you need to have a serious talk about how it’s not working for you and is she on-board with changes or not.

That’s your choices, not my partners.

With the pip she won’t claim. At least she could try to get pip.

You’ve now drip fed. Surely, you’re known to social services then? Have you both had a carers/needs assessment?

YABU. I think she should be clearing up after herself of course but not stepping up more in the way you suggest. Plus as others have said she might have different standards to you. My house is clean and tidy but I don’t really dust and I might hoover once between cleaner visits (we don’t have a dog or particularly messy hobbies).

You directing proceedings and criticising her isn’t a good look, especially so soon after she moved in. And when she’s doing a lot for your child. Plus it is incredibly wearing living with someone with ongoing health issues. I think you need to see things from her perspective or live separately.

Yeah, if I was a woman posting about a man, they probably would have called him a cock lodger.

Thats a wild assumption, many children with severe autism aren’t known to social services.