Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

I didn’t attack the op and she absolutely slaughtered me. And got deleted for it.

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog)

YABU for this alone. I'd be moving right out if I were her.

I didn't see deleted posts - so fair enough. Sorry you've been slaughtered.

Obviously she should contribute to housework, my dh did. It’s not about who caused the mess it’s about not wanting to live in filth.

There’s zero point sitting outside though for vit d till the end of March, the uvb it needs to generate are too weak between October to end of March no matter how sunny it is only UVA is getting through.

I hope the hospital have a solution for you because you must feel awful. Also they need to figure out why your body is so low.

I neither know nor care if the OP is a man or woman. The OP said the partner is doing 50% of the childcare for the (unrelated) child of OP and does housework, but in the OP's opinion, not enough. The OP isn't currently doing any housework. There are some fantastical comments on this thread about the partner needing to do more and some spectacular projection about sex roles and heteronormativity (if that's even a word). OP has been rude and combative and has changed the narrative quite significantly over the course of the thread.

she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog

So she works shifts, does half of the parenting and walks/picks up after your dog. Not her child, not her dog so sounds like she stepped up quite a bit.

If she's only paying £300 towards the household a month, she must be better off than when renting. If you're getting and extra £300 a month, you are better off as well.

If the pair of you chuck in £100 each a month to buy in cleaning help you'll have a nice clean house and neither of you feels hard done by.

Yes, your partner could do more.
Communicate more.
Be specific and ask whether she could please dust where you cannot reach and ask her to wipe down surfaces while you hoover. Tell her that you are sorry that you need her to do more than her fair share for a few weeks.

Your child, at ten, should be learning simple cleaning and house hold tasks. Autistic or not, it is positive for her to manage cleaning a basin, stacking away dishes, making a sandwich and wiping a bench etc.

A lot of the factors referenced (illness, child's autism, working hours etc) aren't at the root of the problem which is bothering OP - that the partner is a messy slob who doesn't clear up after herself or even do half the clearing up. That's what needs tackling although to be honest messy people who don't care/ don't notice mess don't change so either OP has to put up with it or tell her to move out again.

Going back to the other factors though ... partner does half the work for OP's child and dog and makes a substantial contribution to the household bills. I suppose it depends if the value of those things outweighs the mess issue. Would OP have a worse time trying to cope with child and dog compared to coping with the stress amd resentment of a messy house? Only OP can decide.

Exactly, and - I sincerely hope not to be slaughtered for mentioning this - a vitamin D deficiency is rectifiable, and hardly terminal. OP is acting as if she is at death's door dealing with a vitamin D deficiency, on top of usual health problems, and the partner is rudely just getting on with her own life, when actually she is helping with childcare with an autistic ten year old, walking the dog, doing housework, and going to work.

is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

Lots of people live with longterm chronic illness and either lower their standards or do it themselves in small bursts.

The OP is going to have to pay 100% of the bills without the partner living there.

There is no time ever that an unmarried partner should pay for an asset they have zero claim over.

The partner has take on a rural dog and the child along with the OP.

The work involved ^ there is dismissed.

And she is doing the "washing up" so doing house work just not to the OPs standard.

You may note shopping and cooking did not feature on the list of stuff the OP is doing.

And the OPs insulting posters based on call them a "woman" using slur terms.

The fact that an OP post is deleted not other posters should give you a hint of the tone within the thread
😬🤷‍♀️

Half the current household costs not half what would have been paid out if the partner was not there. They each pay for personal spending independently. So the OP would still fund the childs and the dogs direct cost.

I am going to assume that reply was one of the post which was deleted due to the OPs slurs?

So unless the OP /partner is doing the shopping and then paying for food on a per head ratio and splitting cost of the loo cleaner the OP is gaining a saving.

Not read all the thread just your replies , do you think you are maybe autistic too and that’s why it feels easier to stay to your routines and own space.
I have an autoimmune condition too so I know how exhausting and frustrating it can be . If things get better it might be better to ask her to leave , she might feel better and safer but you don’t. Also could you look into PIP to pay for a cleaner. I haven’t and I acknowledge the process is hard.

Did you post about this a few weeks ago? I swear I'm having dejavu reading this

Oddly there are many posters on MN who have to deal with nasty "attacks" they dont reply with misogynistic slurs and then try justify the slur on the basis of their sex.

Part of being on an open fourm and choosing to ask a question is being able to accept that you will be told stuff you dont like or dont believe applies to you.

Rather than "attack" back the OP could have asked why the poster came to a conclusion or just ignore the poster or be civil when wording PFO 👀

Do you have any money to pay for a one off cleaner? Would be easier for you to maintain then rather than have to find energy for a full clean

So why can't you just tell her she needs to move out?

I hate the 'should be stepping up' phrase because it always means 'meet my demands and standards'. The partner sounds as though she is stepping much more into the role of parenting and dog care than was expected of her, and is probably a bit unimpressed that the terms of moving in are now altered, she's expected to take on all duties and household work, due to the Ops illness and somehow see, and find time to do all this increased work to Ops specifications.

I would suggest the op arranges a cleaner for a deep clean and regular cleaning until she is feeling better, so she feels some sense of control over her environment, and instead of criticising and judging her partner appreciates the effortd her partner is making during her illness with help with the childcare, cooking, dog.

I don’t think they meant weekly!!

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. You are getting a lot of harsh replies and as a result you are getting frustrated. You are really struggling at the moment and you want her to help out with the housework a bit more until hopefully you get your vitamin d/iron levels back up. It sounds like she hasn't being doing her share of the housework anyways which she should be doing. Hope you feel better soon.

I think perhaps you and your partner need to have a very honest conversation where you both declare your expectations and needs, and what you are prepared to do, each of you, to improve things to make living together work for you both, going forward. Or alternatively, make a fully informed choice that this isn't working for you, and is killing the relationship, so partner moves out.

I've got chronic health conditions and I find it incredibly frustrating how little I can do, and how I can't keep things the way I want, compared to what I persist of thinking as being the real me.

For me, this has meant I have to accept that I do things in a more ad hoc, piecemeal way, as and when I can do them. When my kids are home (one fulltime at the moment), I suck up the extra mess (and myGod is there extra mess), because I love them, enjoy their company, and I know their life is still busier and more tiring than mine, and appreciate any help I do get!

With reference to your Vit D deficiency, don't forget you are at the very worst time for this, and it will start to get better soon, as the days get longer, and the sun makes an appearance more often.

I'm assuming you do have a plan for if your partner decides it isn't working for them, and moves out?

No. She works, pays her way and does things round the house. She can’t do everything! You don’t work by the sound of things and your child is your child rather than joint. How many night shifts have you ever done? There was a lot of casual dismissal of her hours. You mention she often starts at 2pm so l assume she’s finishing 10pm rather 5pm or 6pm meaning she might not home until after 11pm. People who don’t work do make me chuckle with their dismissal of people who do. In her shoes l would be wondering why l moved in, as neither your nor your daughter seem to want to do much round the house. EVERYONE needs to be contributing. What are you doing about resolving your vitamin D levels?

Sorry this isn't what you asked about, but finding out about the vitamin D could well help with your other health issues. See www.coimbraprotocol.com

But you contradict yourself. On the one hand “my DP knew about my health conditions and knew what they were getting into”, but also “this condition is a new thing and has floored me completely”.

Which is it?

If the condition is new then arguably she didn’t know what she was getting in to, no more than you were expecting to suddenly be incapacitated.

You said if she wasn’t living with you, then at this stage you’d probably have had to have asked your family to move in to help. Would you be berating them for not hoovering or dusting? I doubt it.

Previously you paid everything, for you and your DC and you paid for a dog walker. Now you don’t have/need the dog walker (so are saving money) and you’re sharing the bills so she is covering some of the expense for your child as well.

When you work night shifts it’s extremely hard. It’s not the same as working those hours during the day. She is working FT in a demanding job. She is walking YOUR dog. She is helping with YOUR child. You’re saving money not having the dog walker. You is sharing the bills. You’re spared having to ask your family to move in and help. And no, she didn’t move in knowing full well what she was getting in to. I don’t think you’re considering her experience here at all.

You obviously have high standards. I don’t hoover my house, nor dust, every week! But I don’t have a dog. The dog may be “clean” but hoovering and mopping is a must when you have pets so unless your dog can pick up a hoover and clean up after himself then I doubt he’s as clean as you think.

She is picking up slack (hence not needing to ask your family for help) and has eased your financial burden. I don’t think expecting her to clean your house because “she knew what she was getting into” is fair. I also think you’re making quite a lot of excuses. (You live rurally so it’s not easy to find a cleaner. You haven’t really saved that much by her contributing. She knew what she was getting into). You do seem to be minimising her experience and focusing purely on what you want and when people make suggestions or point things out, you dismiss them or get annoyed.

Anyway, get a cleaner for the hoovering and dusting. Have a conversation with your DP about tidying her own stuff up. Be much more appreciative of the benefits she brings to your life and try to have a little more empathy.

Was she tidy and clean in her own house. If then you are BU to expect a change