Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

I really hope this op isn’t a real person ….

they are talking about their partner as if they are a domestic appliance and anyone who disagrees with them is verbally abused….

Wow!
Making a misogynistic comment on a (mainly) women’s forum?
Good luck mate!

How is the house ending up in such a shit state? You are too tired to dust so can’t imagine you’re up creating mess, dp out at work, dc out at school? Where’s the mess coming from that your dp needs to clear up on her return home?

How did you afford it in the past? What changed?

Not at all. I’m actually a very frustrated person who feels very unwell 99% of the time at the moment, and I’m sick of seeing my partner help out with the little bits and then sit on her backside and watches me struggle with everything else. When I lived here alone, there wasn’t actually much mess because my dog is probably the cleanest out of all of us and my child is at school all day. So this extra mess has come from my partner who is home for half of the day pretty much, who knows I’m unwell, and doesn’t step up and help clean up her own mess. That is who I am.

She's working full time, mucking in with your child and your dog.
Your last line of the OP literally says she's trying to look after you all.
I'd think it through very carefully before asking her to do MORE housework. I shouldn't imagine it would go down well.

Yep😬

I have reported the thread lets see what MN has to say on OPs history

Even though she now pays half the bills?

You don’t even want to TRY to get a cleaner?

What did he say?

I missed it but it was directed at me according to my notifications

@LucyYak21 i understand an illness that takes away who you are wand what you are capable of .
However, she doesn’t have to help half with your child.
If be annoyed if you told me I had a day off/at home when I had just came in form a night shift. She needs rest/sleep .
I think as you are a team yes she could be doing the washing and hoovering and you can wipe the work tops as you go and do an online food shop . Then you can do dinner together.
What age is your child can they clean as they go to help with the load .

Can you afford to get a cleaner once a fortnight for two hours?

My own finances because I haven’t been able to work properly, the old dog walker I had was very very reasonably priced no longer does it and the new and upcoming dog businesses around here charge triple the amount. I could potentially look into other cleaning businesses.

I’m reporting you…it’s fair enough to ask for advice, but insulting women who give you that advice shows just who you are.

I really don’t know how a cleaner and someone to walk the dog can be more than half bills.

The latest female slur
a K 🙄

He called you a Karen.

Go ahead because some people on here have been insulting so don’t give it out if you can’t take it back 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry you are unwell at the moment.

It sounds like your DP is doing (or offering to do) much of the physical stuff - talking DC to the bus, looking after your dog and washing the dishes. She is also working full time doing shift work, which is known for being harder than standard 9-5. She is also contributing 50% financially.

Even though you are home all day I can't imagine that wiping a surface or light dusting needs doing daily.

Like PPs have suggested can you get a cleaner in to help with the more physical bits? Cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming and changing the beds?

Hopefully now you know about the Vit D deficiency you'll be improving quickly and back to your normal.

Not sure the OP is a man.

I am also a woman 🤷‍♀️

No one called you a slur in the way you did that poster though.

I think if this is a temporary thing (e.g your vit d levels will be back up and you’ll be able to get stuff done like you used to) then it’s just one of those things that the house will be a bit messier for a few weeks. If your OH is making sure all the washing up is done, helping out with a child and a dog and then also working and providing emotional support to you then that’s quite a lot going on! If it’s going to be so short term that a cleaner isn’t going to be needed then again I think it’s in terms of priorities - if everyone in the house is washed and fed, dog is walked then that’s what needs doing until you’re feeling better.

It’s probably a huge change for your OH and your expectations might be based on things you would be getting done if you were feeling better, rather than things you’ve communicated to her? Have you asked her to pick up a few more household bits whilst you’re unwell this time?

I think your replies seem quite disjointed - your OP says your partner helps out, gets washing done etc then your replies say she is sat on her arse watching you struggle? Perhaps the frustration you feel about your own abilities changing with your health are being directed towards your partner unfairly.

Because half the bills amount to around £300 for my partner. Where I live, for half hour walk for the dog is £20 a day and that’s without a cleaner added on top.

And you don’t think women can make misogynistic comments?

She’s completely entitled to “sit on her backside” because she’s a FT working stepmum with a night shift job and a human, not a robot.

Meanwhile you’re sitting on your backside refusing to look into getting help and complaining the woman you ordered isn’t doing her womanly cleaning enough.

Accept that just because you’re ill it doesn’t mean someone else is responsible for your cleaning. Get help, don’t expect a woman forking out for your bills to also be your cleaner

Are we sure the OP is a man, could just as easy be a woman?

Anyway, OP consider other options for dog walking if need be. There are charities where dogs and volunteer walkers are put together.

Your ten year old could help out with keeping their bedroom tidy or washing up breakfast stuff.

You need to speak to your partner but have to keep it civil, or they will up and leave.