Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

If that's truly how you feel and not just because you are unwell then ask her to move back out again before you become resentful and hurtful.

I'm not sure of the point of the thread. Should she be doing housework in a house she lives in? Yes. That's pretty much it.

Women can be misogynists, care in point you (though I’m not sure I believe you TBH)

Yeah because that poster was continuously commenting even after not getting responses to be antagonistic - so I honestly couldn’t care less what slur I use called her 🤷‍♀️

I think you’re getting some harsh replies.

The illness is a slight red herring. Regardless of this, on her free days off, she’s not stepping up to do routine housework, sharing of cooking etc.

Yes that’s exactly it!

Yes that’s exactly it, but I should have known better than to ask on here because this is the community that mumsnet have turned into unfortunately 🤷‍♀️

Why haven’t you done it already?
Pay trial the amount then. You ah e more money coming in
Have you applied for PIP?

Have you ever worked those kinds of shifts OP? When you are switching between early, late and nights you are perpetually out of whack. (Personally I don’t think it should even be lawful to do that to your staff!) It’s flipping knackering and I think you need to take into account that your partner might be feeling just as exhausted and overwhelmed as you.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to have the conversation, as long as you both can fully listen to each other’s perspectives and work from there.

But if she hadn’t moved in, and you were this unwell, who would be doing the housework, childcare and dog care she’s currently doing?

She is paying half the bills (3 people)
She is providing childcare
She is providing dog care to a rural dog which is "clean"🤣
And supporting the OP

But not doing enough to warrent a cleaner

Charming

The ‘slur’ you used is my actual name, I actually think women that use it are even worse than the men that use it, it’s a derogatory term intended to shut women up, and to not voice their opinion.
So if you are called out on it, it’s exactly what you should expect.

Tbf I haven’t ever felt this unwell, normally I manage to the point where I had a big surgery a few years ago and came home the next day and done everything alone with no help or support. This has floored me energy levels wise, if she wasn’t here then my family would probably have to temporarily move in at this stage

I think you’re angry and upset, but it’s stemming from being so incapacitated just now. Taking it out on everyone else (like you’re doing on here) isn’t going to help and will make you feel worse.

how about actually talking to your oh about it all? Or seeing the things she actually does do to help.

is your house really that dirty that it’s worth causing a potentially huge argument over??

Quick question to those who are saying OP's partner shouldn't have to do anything for OP's child – are you among those who'd be preaching 'love them as your own, you knew what you were getting into' etc etc if someone posted about this situation from OP's partner's perspective? Just curious.

OP, although I don't agree with the K slur, fwiw I think you're right. Your other half has chosen you as a partner, you have health issues, it's not outrageous to suggest that this means your partner might need to pick up a bit more slack than if your health was better. I have chronic health issues too and DH helps out more when I'm having a flare or feeling particularly bad. I return the effort, so to speak, as best I can on my better days. It's just teamwork.

When I read threads like this I do feel really depressed at how those of us with chronic health issues are perceived and treated by many.

Some context needed here. What did you discuss and agree about their contribution to household chores when they moved in.

lIf they are doing their share then I’m not sure it’s up to you to dictate when they do those chores. However, when you say you ‘don’t usually have to ask for help’ it doesn’t sound as if you have any agreement in place

Well that particular poster is being very antagonistic so I wish she would shut up and not voice her opinion because it’s not helpful.

That’s £140 a week leaving you to spend £160 a week on a cleaner

sounds very do-able to me

Of course they should be contributing to keeping the house clean & tidy.

I think it’s more difficult dynamics when one person moves into an established household.

Perhaps you ask her how she thinks running a household tasks should be split. She needs time to think and absorb that she currently does very little/none?

Your girlfriend looks after YOUR dog and YOUR autistic child, pays half the bills and works full time.

If her standards and your standards of cleaning don't align, use the £300 a month on a fortnightly cleaner.

Personally I'm a slob relaxed about cleaning. DP isn't. We learned to compromise, but if DP were unwell and I was on cleaning duties, this place would be a lot dustier, believe me.

Clearly mnhq do because they deleted it though.

Can your 10 year old walk the dog?

So what ?

misogynistic women using misogynistic language are still misogynistic

thete are no rules of when people can comment

Your continued stonking entitlement was why I replied to your posts

I reckon she’s saying her DP pays £300 a month, not a week.