Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

I think your partner should be doing 50% of the housework, and none of the childcare. If her 50% isn’t enough while you are unwell, then I think you should seek extra support from elsewhere, like getting a cleaner temporarily.

I suggest you get a cleaner and split the cost.

I suggest you either charge the partner rent—lots—and hire a cleaner or ask the partner to leave. She seems to have begged her way in with all this talk if safe spaces but its not working for you.

I think when you're long term ill you have to accept a drop in standards rather than expecting your partner to pick up all the slack. It may be ok for a few days but it's not sustainable. They're human too and get tired and want down time.

I've been very poorly for two years now and my house is an absolute tip by my standards. But my DH is doing his best, and social services don't care as it's nowhere near as bad as what they deal with.

When 2 people are sharing a home together then yes, the running of the house should be equal. She also knew about your health issues prior to moving in and it's my belief that a partnership involves taking care of eachother during difficult times.

The one thing I do take issue with though, you are saying she has decent hours. It sounds like she is a shift worker which is not really decent hours. It's tiring and your body never gets into a proper routine. As for her night shifts, I don't know if you have ever worked nights but they are gruelling. You say she is home all day when on nights, that is not spare time, she needs to sleep trust me. Especially if she is not on permanent nights her body clock will be all over the place and during her stint of night shifts she probably does not feel doing anything during the day and I don't blame her.

It sounds like you may need to have a diplomatic conversation with her and come to an agreement with regards to household chores. Just don't call her lazy and don't tell her that shift work is decent hours as it's not, it can be gruelling.

What makes you think that @LucyYak21 is a man........ @CatAmongstThePigeonsRoxy ?

I agree about working night shifts. When I worked as a nurse we used to do a week of seven nights in a row. It was very hard. Doing a mix of shifts like op partner seems to do is even worse!

So many posts saying 'get' a cleaner, seemingly oblivious to the fact that for some it's not that easy. Some MNers really do live in their own little worlds.

Well the op had a cleaner before and if she would use some of the money gained from having her partner move in, and/or claiming pip, the op could afford a cleaner.

Yes. I agree with the poster above sadly.

@LucyYak21 I too assumed you are a woman, from your very first post, but many people clearly still think you are a man, even although you have said you are female

As the pp says, it is appallingly clear how much gender bias is in this thread. It's a pity that you didn't post that information in your first post, otherwise you would have got different replies.

I do think finding a cleaner, even on a temporary basis would be helpful? I do also think that you maybe don't understand how tiring/stressful shift work is, but I think if you really can't get a cleaner due to costs maybe £20 an hour? So £40 maybe for 2 hours once a week - or a couple of times a month? Then you need to lower your standards for a while?

I hope you feel better soon

Indeed.

I think there were only one or two posters who thought the OP was a man. I, like most posters, assumed she was a woman from the first post.

Majority of people realise she is a women, she's getting a hard time because most of her original posts were so rude they were removed by MN and comes across as pretty horrible in her replies.

There seems little appreciation for what her partner does, and seems to be focusing on what she doesn't do, rather than what she does, gender is just an excuse.

I agree with this.

I’d speak to her and say you’re struggling and think you need to engage a cleaner a couple of hours a week or fortnight - she might say I’ll do more or she may say I agree. We have a cleaner and I have one day a week off work - there’s no way I’d spend my day off cleaning if my partner was doing very little

Yep me too. My opinion wasn’t gender biased in the least. It was obvious OP is a woman.

This is what I was going to say to OP too, more or less.
I too was diagnosed with a catastrophic D deficiency a few years ago, and spent a couple of days in hospital for emergency treatment.
(The doctor added a remedial B12 treatment too, and I've taken a max dose daily ever since. D and B12 are very easily let dip too low, and need assiduous attention)

Anyway, after hospital I was prescribed high remedial doses daily for maybe two months I think, but my point was that I felt a million times better very soon; after a couple of weeks of treatment, and Im wondering how long OP has been attending to the diagnosis she received.
Though one feels like death when deficient, it isn't a permanent condition or disability, once you’ve taken medical advice about necessary supplementing (and exposure, where possible of course)

I’m prescribed very high weekly maintenance doses now, and regular checkups. (I actually add daily oral spray D and B12 doses, as it’s clear I just don’t synthesise essential elements etc efficiently, and get almost zero sun on myself. So I take a belt and braces approach!)

I’m disabled. In a wheelchair. Was married for 40 years and became widowed in 2020. My disability degenerated over that time and I ended up in a wheelchair in the last couple of years. Another person came into my life a couple of years later and I absolutely do not expect him to do any caring duties for me. He is my partner, not my carer. You are being unreasonable.

She i& the situation you're in is draining you, not your illness. You may think i'm crazy, but it happened to me. Soon as I was on my own again it was absolutely unbelievable how much better I felt. I have fibro, no vit d, folic acid or iron (i lost lots of blood during emergency c section & was offered no blood transfusion) on a concoction of allsorts of tablets and te situation drained me more than my conditions. Mentally as well as physically xxx

Could you afford a cleaner until you feel better?

No mention of affection or shared enjoyment; it’s all about the deal, really. Resentment and a general ‘woe is me’ seem to be the vibe, though I don’t doubt OP has a challenging time of late.
She got by all the same until now, yet once her beloved arrived she has become less capable, and is unbending about expected standards in a shared home.
I’d think her having a dog, along with an autistic child, must illustrate a certain degree of domestic self-sufficiency as well as some basic tolerance for unavoidable mess, so as I said elsewhere, let’s hope the treatment for boosting her Vitamin D will soon bring her back up to snuff physically, and feeling less enervated in general.
(Walking the dog surely gets her out in the open air, and even weak sunlight is beneficial.)

DP should consider what she has waded into here though, as things sound like they're on pretty shaky foundations.

From what I remember, though, OP was saying actually finding a suitable person was proving difficult as well.

Sounds like maybe you just have different standards of housework. You mention she doesn't do dusting, hoovering or wiping the surfaces. Well the only thing I do every day on that list is wipe the surfaces. Hoovering only a few times a week (if that) and dusting is when I notice it.
I don't own a dog though but you are saying it's not the dog but your girlfriend making the mess, can you explain in what way exactly? As apart from not wiping the surface I don't see any issue (you mention she does the dishes etc).

As you aren't working are you definitely getting everything you are entitled to? Many people have asked you about PIP claims but not sure you responded. Likewise with your daughter is there any funding you can get?
You mention SS but not hearing from them, but I find the louder you shout and pester, the more likely you will be heard. So the fact you haven't been chasing them means you will stay at the bottom of the pile.

I thought she said her old dog walker had retired and she thought she could try a different cleaning company?

my cleaner is self employed. She came on recommendation from a friend. And I pay a local teen to walk the dog.

Do you not get any help then with your child? Do you get respite allowances or anything? Maybe you could get some help if you explained your situation to her support worker.