Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

Still, that’s 2 hours of cleaning a week and the odd dog walk.
OP should count themselves lucky that only needing £600 a month is so cheap. Finding it very hard to believe that there’s no money left for a cleaner.

Do you want a partner or a live in maid? Your expectations are unrealistic.

She wanted to move in here to spend more time with us all. Apart from the odd times I have needed family help and support, I have lived on my own independently for many years, have my own routines etc and this is exactly why I didn’t want her to move in because it creates more work for me but I felt pressured because she would keep calling my house home and saying how safe she felt here etc

You said I’m a crappy
partner and a real catch.

What does that make you?

I’m assuming OP pays the mortgage and partner is not contributing towards this, just council tax, electric etc. So OP is paying £300 + mortgage.

By the time youve posted & commented on all this you could of done the washing up by now.

It’s not antagonistic to say she’s your OH not a cleaner and ask why you won’t pay for a cleaner.

It’s not ableist to ask if you can wipe a counter top.

“Always known what she was getting herself into” - she knew you and a chronic condition not that she’d have to do EVERYTHING lest she’d be called lazy, all on the meanwhile you won’t pay for a cleaner to support HER

Nope, unfortunately not known to social services because they are so under staffed in our area that we were referred years ago to the disability team and never heard anything back

And the rest… my own personal costs, my child’s cost, the dogs costs, my travel costs etc

You said you didn't want her to move in but she did anyway? Therein lies the problem. You thought your loss of solo living would be mitigated by her being your skivvy, and you don't think she's fulfilling her side of the (your) bargain.

Time to be honest and tell her it's not working out.

Then maybe now is the time. If the 10 year old doesn’t understand as the OP intimated, and gets a bus to/from school, it’s not unreasonable to consider they’re at a special school, so would be entitled to a Child in Need plan and an EHCP.

Sorry but I’d think you’re the lazy one. I have horrific vitamin d levels and also an autoimmune disease and I still manage . You have 24 hours in a day. You aren’t sleeping all of that you can keep your house clean. She’s at work you aren’t. And helping you look after your child. I think you’re being massively unreasonable to blame her .

If you don’t want her to live with you and she’s creating more mess, tell her to move out.

Cooking was not posted about which suggests she is cooking for the OP and the OPs child.

As 3 meals a day for them plus shift work meals on a plate would have been added to the list of what the OP is expected to do.

Shopping and cooking are hard work when one is poorly.

And way more important than dusting dog hair daily

So my bet its invisible work because she is doing her share

I’ve not read the full thread

but if she is paying to live with you, then I think you should use some of the money she pays you to get a cleaner

You feel better that the house is clean and and she doesn’t feel put on

I would suggest it to her and see what she says
If she says she is happy to step up on the cleaning and doesn’t think the cleaner is necessary, then go with it for a period that you both agree on
If after that, she feels it’s a bit much than you both get a cleaner

Well, OP, ultimately that’s on you for overruling your own wishes. You’re resenting her mess because you don’t actually want her living either you.

Maybe it’s time to have that conversation, and recognise that it’s not about housework?

Children with disabilities don’t automatically get a child in need plan - do you actually know what you’re talking about??

You say you've been a couple for some time before she moved in op. I'm curious as to how she kept her home, you must have spent time at hers, if she is just lazy her place would have reflected that surely.

Hire a cleaner. Your partner is not unpaid labour.

No they don’t have a clue what they are on about. Ignore.

The extra money coming in from the OH

And OP hasn’t said why they won’t apply for PIP

Sorry OP it sounds rather doomed from the start. Time to take action. Is she able to move back to where she was before? Living together is obviously not working out, and it sounds like the relationship might be over as a result.

But it also sounds like you’re not in the best place to have a relationship with anyone right now. Do you have supportive family and friends around you?

House bills - mortgage/rent, council tax, gas electric water Internet insurance etc is rarely below £1500 a month for most households. Is the paying half of all this?

A cleaner for 2-3 hours a week to do the big jobs - hoover, clean bathroom and kitchen etc would be around £60 a week.

How much is she contributing? Maybe have a discussion about both putting in equal time and money into the house, if either if you isn't able to put that in, then you pay for the help needed to make it equal. I struggle to do my share of the housework some weeks on top of working part time due to my disability, so I pay for a cleaner for 2 hours per week.

if she were my friend? i would advise her to move out.
And i would advise you - even if not my friend - to get in outside help for the day to day things you can't manage.

That’s why I used the word ‘entitled’. And yes, I do know what I’m talking about.