Should she be stepping up more?

[LucyYak21]

My long term partner has recently moved in (within the last couple of months) with me and my child (10, autistic).

She is good in lots of ways (she makes sure the washing up is always done, she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog).

I have a long term health issue, and they have recently found out that I have a profound vitamin d deficiency (they said they could not find a detectable amount in my blood, my levels are that low). All of my health issues along with this new issue, has left me absolutely floored. I am exhausted all of the time to the point where I can just about do things for my child, but then have no energy to look after myself or the house. I am not able to work at the moment because of it and I am on long term sickness.

Normally I am very on the ball and on top of everything - the housework, the washing, etc - but I have massively fallen behind (the house is always tidy but hasn’t been cleaned for 2-3 weeks properly) and it’s getting me quite upset and overwhelmed because I physically don’t have the strength or energy to catch up with it at the moment.

My partner gets about 2-3 days off a week but has quite decent hours and either starts at 2pm in the afternoon, finishes at 2pm or works night shifts and obviously then is at home during the day.

I have started to notice how she is good in lots of ways but equally quite lazy in others. For example, she knows how unwell I have been and how overwhelmed I am with the house etc. She had 3 days off at the beginning of the week - didn’t do any housework (even wiping down some surfaces or giving everything a quick dusting), didn’t do any clothes washing for us all, anything to actually help lessen my burden.

I feel like how I’m feeling physically and mentally could be slightly clouding my judgement so asking for some KIND opinions please - do I need to have a conversation with her about stepping up more whilst I am unwell or is she doing enough at the moment trying to look after us all during this time and housework/washing clothes etc can be caught up with at another time?

I’m going to go against the grain and say yes, she should be stepping up more whilst you are ill. That’s what partners do surely? I know mine does! If I’m unwell he takes the reins and does all the housework, washing etc and brings me cups of tea, makes sure I eat. I do the same for him.

And you can’t possibly wipe a counter down once a day?

Oh so now we are ableist AND sexist?

perpetual victim springs to mind.

Funny how this

she makes ... she will do half of the work for my child and help out with the dog

became not work

You need to work out if you should live together as a couple and at the moment based on your input the answer is no.

Sounds like you need a cleaner.

It is the norm. I think a lot of women on here are used to rubbish men though and think that’s going above and beyond and that’s why they think women who are unwell and struggling should just get on with it 🤷‍♀️

Do you do nothing at all and expect him to do everything all the time?

Sounds like there's a lot of things you should have talked through before living together. I guess the only thing is to actually talk them through, and take it from there. You can't just will her to do more, so talk about it.

OP, get some occupational therapy, apply for PIP, hire a cleaner and dog walker.
Even without PIP you have more money coming in, 50% more, so should be able to afford it.

Dont do nothing (yes I know it’s harder for you but that’s not the fault of your OH) then expect your OH who does half the childcare, works FT including night shifts and will also be tired.

Why don’t you employ a cleaner?

This nasty response says it all. The poster was just answering the question that you came on here to ask. Your partner didn't sign up to being your carer. You should be grateful for the fact they help with your child at all but instead you just think you are entitled to more.

The OP does say there usually on the ball with things but the added issue of low Vit d has floored them. So why are you reading into it that they never do anything?

Your dog is going to be 80% of the filth creation so why should she play housemaid to your lifestyle choice?

Your mask is slipping

.

I think you should be doing everything for your child.

the fact that she’s doing half is more than can be expected.

in terms of housework, she’s working shifts and that buggers you up - maybe her routine was that she let the place be a guddle til her days off and cleaned then? You should have a conversation with her about that.

i do think you should have OT input and consider applying for pip.

but from the outside, looking in, you’re barely living together and now you expect her to step up and be a carer? And look after your child? I wouldn’t be up for that. I’d be out the door. Sorry.

OK, but if she hadn’t moved in, who would be doing the housework, dog care, childcare etc if you were as ill as you are now?

It doesn’t sound as if it’s working as an arrangement. Maybe you’re resenting her lack of housework because you didn’t really want her to move in. Why you said yes to something you fundamentally didn’t want is pretty mysterious, though.

Yes as your partner she should be supporting you with the housework, but I think childcare is your responsibility.
I’m assuming this is a short term situation and you will be getting treatment, so yeah temporarily she should be keeping on top of the house stuff. Also by “keeping on top” I don’t mean having the house perfect at all times.
If it’s going to be longer term you need to sort out a cleaner because if she’s working full time it’s not fair on her to do everything either

Your OH is far from a rubbish woman

She just isn’t the cleaner you ordered

Why won’t you use the extra money you now have to hire a cleaner and dog walker?

You’re making yourself look like a nasty misogynist now

i agree with a PP o hope she clocks on soon and runs for the hills. Then what will you do??

Why can’t you just get a cleaner and someone to walk the dog though? That’s an easy answer and would stop a ton of conflict.

I have had them in the past, I live quite rural and they are not easy to get and therefore not cheap either. Yes half the bills are now being paid but in the grand scheme of things we don’t have a lot of house bills to pay so I’m not that better off financially to be able to afford that.