DH has really upset me! AIBU??

[CustartWithMustard]

I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD. I’m not the cleanest, tidiest person in the world, but it revolves around food hygiene and hygiene in the kitchen. When I was a child, I’d struggle to eat food if I’d seen someone touch it.

As an adult, it does affect me, but in different ways. When we go to stay with friends and family, I have to actively avoid watching them make the food because when I’m there, I notice everything, and I have seen some disgusting things over the years that I think other people just aren’t picking up on, but I’m hyper aware. For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

Anyway, I struggle watching DH in the kitchen, which I appreciate isn’t nice for him. He is cleaner than many people, but will sometimes put something in the bin, touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food. Maybe others are okay with this, but it grosses me out.

Tonight, DH was in the kitchen whilst I unloaded the dishwasher. He said he was going to help me, I said, “I’ll just unload the dishes because you’ve just touched the bin.” I appreciate I must sound like a lunatic by now, but anyway, DH got really annoyed and was speaking to me in a really angry way in front of the kids who are 12 and 11. I asked him to please stop but he kept going. DD’s were already leaving the room when it started but they left and he continued on at me saying “stop being a total psychopath!!!”

I know I’m totally flawed and at fault, but I’ve been having trouble with the way my DD’s talk to me, and I really wanted him to stop because in my opinion, this just gives the the green light to speak to me badly!

Ive finished up with the dishwasher and have comes upstairs to bed. I’ve had such a hard day with the girls and now this. I know you’ll all probably say it’s me, but I’m just so sad and feel alone, I’m willing to take the risk of getting totally flamed, just to offload.

The SIL is immune to it. Doesn’t get ill. Iron guts as she’s an adult. She just doesn’t get it.

Ive tried to say, but she ignores me.

Yeah I agree, I am quite funny about bins myself but I think it's pretty justified! They are manky, I would hate someone to do this as well.

@Rileymary

"I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD"

I doubt that someone with a genuine diagnosis would express their condition in such a vague, nebulous way.

Her opening admission reeks of being made to feel guilty and mentally ill for experiencing normal disgust on witnessing the dirty actions of others.

Projecting shame that belongs to the self onto the other is a common defence mechanism. Several people in this thread complain about their husbands, et al, having "kitchen OCD" and similar nonsense diagnoses.

Unfortunately the dishonest / mentally immature do prefer to defend their egos in this way and play armchair psychiatrist to boot, rather than simply admit a simple truth: their habits are unsanitary.

Perhaps OP can confirm for us if she has been assessed and diagnosed by a psychiatrist, rather than you and I making assumptions.

My 17 year old son has OCD. It is exhausting living with what feels like constant criticism but it is his hyper-vigilance is absolutely soul destroying. It is like being under a microscope and he pounces on every single thing. This isn't primarily related to hygiene it is other things that trigger him. He doesn't always speak but his body twitches to let me know that he doesn't like what I have done that is a perceived mistake. I have to admit at times I crack and yell at him to back off. I do feel dreadful that this happens.

However, honestly I hate living with him at times and I feel down about it a lot when he isn't around. I understand that your husband spoke to you unfairly and rudely. However it does seem that you lack empathy for his living situation. Imagine how it is that he is never able to relax to accomodate your needs. Imagine how it feels for him to know that you constantly judge his friends and family when you visit. Imagine how he feels to be judged and criticised in front of his children. The way you write your post it seems that you haven't reflected on any of this. You just are writing as if you deserve a medal for tolerating your husband and his unhygienic ways when you do admit that he is better than most.

Im.so sorry this is so hard for you but I think you need to get more help. It's really hard to be around OCD.. i had a manager at work who had it and her need to control her environment andceverybody in it led to some dreadful problems. She was there 3 years and managed to frustrate and seriously upset no fewer than 9 different people. It's like being controlled..

I do t think its anxiety really to be honest

I do not want someone to touch a bin and then touch clean dishes or food

People are disgusting.

Goodness, I could almost have written this about myself.
A good example is that tonight I was in A&E with my dad and the nurse offered me a cup of tea, I politely refused as there was no way I was going to drink from a cup that his hands had touched knowing what his job entails!

I was going to say the same. If I touch the bin lid/ change the bag I automatically wash my hands.

I used to be really bad with this sort of stuff OP, not mess or clutter but food and drink wise. Even family members glasses and mugs would make me feel sick and their houses are definitely cleaner and tidier than mine because they don't have kids at home anymore.
Or if DH made a drink for visitors in my mug, I'd get really annoyed and panicky. I never said anything because I knew it was irrational but it would put me off using it til it had been through a hand wash and a couple of dishwasher cycles and things like if I'd opened milk or juice, i wouldn't use it after one or two days of opening.

I knew it was irrational at the time but just got stuck in the thought cycle. I still have pretty severe different mental health problems but I had therapy for a few issues like this, mainly magical thinking, I have to say i am so much better now. And I honestly at the time thought I'd never feel like I do now.
Sometimes the same thoughts come but I really don't get so distressed and they last so briefly it's not worth mentioning anymore. It took over a year doing six week blocks, but it has worked. The hardest part for me was trying to keep up the advice between sessions.

@CustartWithMustard I suffer with contamination OCD and have done since I was an early teen. My advice to you is to find a therapist that specialises in OCD. The GP will refer for CBT which I did not find at all helpful. A specialist therapist will give you mechanisms to manage the intrusive thoughts you get when witnessing something you find unhygienic. I suspect your thoughts go along the lines of DH has touched the bin, he will touch the dishes with dirty hands and I/we will use them and get sick and it's this that your brain is latching on to and giving you anxiety.

My husband has spent a lot of time learning about OCD and giving me unending support, but it is exhausting for him too and this may be why your husband was unkind. Many therapists will also allow partners to attend some sessions to help them understand the illness and develop mechanisms to help support you in managing it.

Now when it comes to the bin issue I would also not like this and would wash hands but if you say you have OCD and you recognise that this is taking up head space then I suspect this is one of many "rules" you have in the kitchen and it will only get worse, the reality with OCD is the more you satisfy the compulsion (washing hands/checking oven knobs are off etc) the worse the compulsion gets, the only real way to stop it is to sit with the uncomfortable feeling you get and to not give in to it, a therapist will help with this.

Sending you love as I know how awful and debilitating it can be and i really hope you can get some help as this really can be passed to your children through observation and it's something I am very aware of with my DC.

Oh and just to add it has been suggested that OCD is caused by an actual difference in brain chemistry, I'm not sure how severely the anxiety impacts you day to day but medication can also help, I believe SSRI medications are prescribed. Something to consider if you feel it would help 💕

He's given into you you mean.Your dc will be affected by this and he should be standing up for them. Simpler isn't always the best route.

I have OCD. It's getting easier to manage after 7 years of weekly f2f therapy. It was pretty unbearable for the people around me.

Clean your bin!!!

What sort of therapy did you get if you don’t mind me asking? Was it CBT?

A family member has OCD and is struggling to find something that helps.

The OP has had a degree of OCD since childhood having mentioned she wouldn't eat food if it had been touched & it has now escalated. I feel sorry there are posts insinuating her mental health has nothing to do with her reactions especially when she has stated she feels has OCD. I hope she reaches out to the professionals for help beginning with a Doctor's appointment.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this but please get some help this is not good for your children especially making them change when they get home. If I noticed this behaviour in my adult children I would push for them to get help as soon as possible. As I know how devastating this can be to peoples lives.

I haven't read all posts but I think what you describe around kitchen hygiene is perfectly correct. I would be exactly same.
I do think I got "more" after covid and constant hand washing.

If my son drives my card I will bacteria wipe steering wheel and controls. Kitchen my domain my rules often tell DGD to wash her hands and DS2.
Put something in outdoor bin, wash my hands, touch my dog/cat wash my hands.
Always wash hands after taking dog out. To me just normal behaviour.

Politely refusing is fine.

But if you’d said “no because I don’t know where your hands have been/because your hands are dirty” - then that would be quite rude and they’d likely take offence.

That’s why DH shouted because that’s what OP implied.

And this is an all day, every day thing that him and the kids have to deal with.

If your son drives your car you use antibacterial wipes on the steering wheel afterwards???

That is absolutely not normal and you need to go to your gp asap as this will only get worse.

I have a sister in law like this and she makes everything about her own anxieties and it's exhausting.

If my son drives my card I will bacteria wipe steering wheel and controls.

Why do you feel the need to do that @Pinkladyapplepie ?

You might not.

Many of us certainly would.

I used to go to my Uncle's and there was no toilet, ladies and young children used the cow barn and the men in the woods! No connection to running water. No one washed until bedtime! Boiling water was poured over washing up which had been done in cold water. Cows were hand milked and jugs of milk on the table along with home churned butter. No one got sick with food poisoning, no one had asthma, skin problems, issues with allergies etc.

I suspect all germs were shared and passed around generously!

I'm not worried, but thanks for your concern, as I see it he could have been picking his nose😂

He might have picking his nose,ears yuk, when I'm stuck in traffic there always seems to be a male doing gross things!😂