DH has really upset me! AIBU??

[CustartWithMustard]

I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD. I’m not the cleanest, tidiest person in the world, but it revolves around food hygiene and hygiene in the kitchen. When I was a child, I’d struggle to eat food if I’d seen someone touch it.

As an adult, it does affect me, but in different ways. When we go to stay with friends and family, I have to actively avoid watching them make the food because when I’m there, I notice everything, and I have seen some disgusting things over the years that I think other people just aren’t picking up on, but I’m hyper aware. For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

Anyway, I struggle watching DH in the kitchen, which I appreciate isn’t nice for him. He is cleaner than many people, but will sometimes put something in the bin, touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food. Maybe others are okay with this, but it grosses me out.

Tonight, DH was in the kitchen whilst I unloaded the dishwasher. He said he was going to help me, I said, “I’ll just unload the dishes because you’ve just touched the bin.” I appreciate I must sound like a lunatic by now, but anyway, DH got really annoyed and was speaking to me in a really angry way in front of the kids who are 12 and 11. I asked him to please stop but he kept going. DD’s were already leaving the room when it started but they left and he continued on at me saying “stop being a total psychopath!!!”

I know I’m totally flawed and at fault, but I’ve been having trouble with the way my DD’s talk to me, and I really wanted him to stop because in my opinion, this just gives the the green light to speak to me badly!

Ive finished up with the dishwasher and have comes upstairs to bed. I’ve had such a hard day with the girls and now this. I know you’ll all probably say it’s me, but I’m just so sad and feel alone, I’m willing to take the risk of getting totally flamed, just to offload.

Here's my reasoning:

The inside of the bin is yucky, because yucky things go in it. The outside of the bin lid isn't because I clean it regularly plus I don't put yucky things on the lid. This is the same principle as "the inside of a packet of raw chicken is yucky, the outside isn't."

Further: my elbow isn't (generally) yucky. Therefore, if I touch my non-yucky elbow to the non-yucky outside of the bin lid, both items remain non-yucky. Therefore I don't need to scrub my elbow after touching the bin lid because both items remain non-yucky.

If I'm cutting up raw chicken then my hands, the knife, and the surface I'm using to cut it on are tainted as yucky. So they get cleaned. I can't remember ever cutting up chicken and getting my elbows involved though.

So how does the outside of a bin lid get yucky?

Sorry you are getting a bashing from some posters OP. Just goes to show there's still a huge stigma around OCD.

I have it and I wash my hands after touching the bin lid as well. I don't think I'm going to die or anything, it's not about germs as such-hard to explain though. Just don't like the thought of it so I wash my hands.

I personally think the people who have to shower every time they go to the loo or wash their towels everyday are more obsessive.

I probably do that numerous times a day and I am rarely ever sick. I have never in my life (I'm in my 60s) heard of people who wash their hands as often as they do on MN. Also, how are your bins so "filthy"? We can't live in a totally sterile environment, and nor should we.

It's not anxiety or OCD to have basic standards of hygiene for Christ's sake. Telling someone they need help just for having standards? You would be happy for someone to lick their fingers and then handle your food? Gross. Again, mumsnet at its finest. Slovenly, dirty people without standards

But that’s not fair on your children.

Why does the entire household need to live by your rules just to keep you calm and have a harmonious home - that sounds quite controlling/abusive if everyone has to do what you want or else the home won’t be harmonious.

When we have kids we need to sometimes do things to make sure that their home is their safe space, emotionally and physically.

You need to get help or risk losing your DH and DC.

But it's not always related to consequences and fear of getting ill. If someone handed me a sandwich that they had made me with unwashed hands and were licking their fingers whilst making it, I would just generally feel grossed out about the thought of their saliva all over it and god knows what else (from their dirty hands with potential faeces and bogeys on) Just plain gross and I wouldn't want to eat it

Aluna your making me laugh 😂 so much I don't see these people have OCD to me there just clean, maybe one mother a bit excessive with checking children for lice unless of course there has been an outbreak then I would check all the time and put them in the white suits

You aren't at fault at all and IMO it should be people against the problem anyway and not against each other. So I wouldn't even bother focusing on who's to blame. You could thank him for helping you (ehem and generally speaking it's his responsibility too of course) and focus on that for awhile and then explain how you are conscious of cross contamination which is perfectly reasonable, I would be too!! I wouldn't have liked that either

Just yesterday it was unanimous that a guy the OP was dating was gross for not washing his hands after going to the loo-it's weird on here sometimes! You'd think they'd all be fine with it considering we need germs and all that...

Absolutely. And just imagine if they'd done an enormous poo right in the wok they were making your stir-fry in!!??!! How gross is that? Therefore anyone who doesn't cook while being head-to-toe in hazmat gear and standing in a continual spray of disinfectant is a gross, slovenly, dirty person with no standards!!!

They aren’t aware so no, it doesn’t affect them negatively.

I’m the same, no food with added spit. I do the cooking (mostly) and the cleaning up!

Your husband shouldn't have shouted, especially in front of your children. He does sound exasperated and very frustrated with the whole situation and snapped.

As others have said - what help are you receiving for your OCD? You need to seek some professional help. If you've accessed help before, then it's clearly not worked/working. Living with someone who is a germphobic is extremely difficult and your children will have been impacted (as well as your husband). I absolutely appreciate it's not a walk in the park for you either. However, you can't expect others to live their life around your phobia.

I find this a bit weird- our kitchen bin isn't dirtier than any other surface, it's lined with a bin liner and nothing really dirty goes in the bin any more, nearly everything I use is washed and recycled and food waste is kept in a separate caddy. So how would the bin be really dirty? If you've put something like nappies or dog poo bags in the bin then of course you would wash your hands after, but just touching the bin lid? Totally OTT in my opinion 🤷‍♀️

Of course they’re aware.

I assume you aren’t raising children that are dumb?

Hey OP, fellow OCD sufferer here. I would also not be ok with the bin being touched and then hands not being washed.

My DP is really good at being calm and pushing back to the OCD bully when I’m struggling, but it has pushed him over the edge sometimes, I think it can be really hard to live with someone who has the condition. That being said, he should be trying to manage his emotions as well.

If I were you, I’d leave it for tonight, try and get some rest and speak about it when you’re both calmer.

ERP, CBT and medication really helped me get a bit more in control of my OCD - would recommend if you haven’t tried already

Maybe also get a bin with a sensor ☺️

This and I do the same will all my children too. But I have an autoimmune disease and allergies and I’m on a higher alert. But yes sponges aren’t clean when you have cleaned out your dog bowls people! I’m not a clean clean freak - boiling water is fine but different sponges for dog bowls or whatever.

Your husband didn’t stop when asked and then called you names in front of the children that would be a line for me right there

I agree. I would wash my hands before touching food if I’d just touched the bin.

Fucking hell. According to the insane kitchen hygiene rules here I should have been dead probably before I was even born.
You crazies NEED exposure to this stuff to build your immune system. Yes, obviously don't smear your cups with chicken juice or clean plates with a bit of spit and a dirty cloth. Use your common bloody sense fgs.

Uniforms are just put out for them clean each day, no discussion about it.

shopping cleaned when they are at school

house cleaned when they are at school

few extra mins combing their hair each night

YANBU

Of course it's unhygienic to touch a bin, then go onto touch clean dishes or food! Anyone with basic food safety would know that, so I'm so shocked at the comments.

Your DH out of line speaking to you like that and in front of your children.

If DP offered to empty the dishwasher because I had touched the bin I would touch the bin everyday. I’m the same as you, I think you are letting yourself by saying you are over the top because actually I think you just have standards. As someone that managed a kitchen I would have the same rules as you and I would expect the majority of kitchens have the same rules.

I think you could have done with simplifying your explanation here because people have missed the point and blaming your anxiety when actually how your husband spoke to you isn’t acceptable regardless of if your children are there or not. If something bothered by partner and I could do something easy such as washing my hands to make him feel more comfortable then I would, because I’m not a dick.

You’ve chosen examples that sound reasonable - licking fingers, touching the bin etc but I suspect these are just the tip of the iceberg and there are further “rules” your DH has to follow.

Can you eat out at a restaurant? Do you let your children cook/bake? Do you always watch him cook, are you responsible for the clean-up?

FWIW dogs licking plates is disgusting, and it normal to find this gross. I would never eat there again..

I have diagnosed OCD that manifests very similarly, OP. The bin thing, the spoon thing, the dog thing - all of these are major issues in my head. I can't eat at my parents' house - they have a press touch bin and a very lax attitude to handwashing. My handwashing meanwhile is insane; I wash them so many times in the course of preparing food that they are constantly red raw and painful. I might wash my hands twenty times while making dinner, especially if dealing with raw chicken. I've gone to bed now with my customary slathering of intensive moisturiser to try to soothe them. I wish we could meet in the middle!

People say so blithely on these threads 'just get help, you're so selfish to inflict this on others' but help is not a cure. I've had help; I'm not fixed. I understand that I grew up with my parents' hygiene and it didn't make me ill or kill me, just like they don't get sick from it. My throat still closes up at their table and I physically can't swallow.

OCD doesn't go away. It recedes and at times is more manageable. Sometimes my strategies work and sometimes they don't. But if I'm already stressed or tired - you say, OP, that you had a tough day with your kids - my defences are down and it's impossible to ride out the intrusive thoughts. I do my best not to let it affect others, but we can't be perfect all the time.