DH has really upset me! AIBU??

[CustartWithMustard]

I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD. I’m not the cleanest, tidiest person in the world, but it revolves around food hygiene and hygiene in the kitchen. When I was a child, I’d struggle to eat food if I’d seen someone touch it.

As an adult, it does affect me, but in different ways. When we go to stay with friends and family, I have to actively avoid watching them make the food because when I’m there, I notice everything, and I have seen some disgusting things over the years that I think other people just aren’t picking up on, but I’m hyper aware. For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

Anyway, I struggle watching DH in the kitchen, which I appreciate isn’t nice for him. He is cleaner than many people, but will sometimes put something in the bin, touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food. Maybe others are okay with this, but it grosses me out.

Tonight, DH was in the kitchen whilst I unloaded the dishwasher. He said he was going to help me, I said, “I’ll just unload the dishes because you’ve just touched the bin.” I appreciate I must sound like a lunatic by now, but anyway, DH got really annoyed and was speaking to me in a really angry way in front of the kids who are 12 and 11. I asked him to please stop but he kept going. DD’s were already leaving the room when it started but they left and he continued on at me saying “stop being a total psychopath!!!”

I know I’m totally flawed and at fault, but I’ve been having trouble with the way my DD’s talk to me, and I really wanted him to stop because in my opinion, this just gives the the green light to speak to me badly!

Ive finished up with the dishwasher and have comes upstairs to bed. I’ve had such a hard day with the girls and now this. I know you’ll all probably say it’s me, but I’m just so sad and feel alone, I’m willing to take the risk of getting totally flamed, just to offload.

Bins are dirty. Things drip when you put them in etc

Why are you putting your hand in the bin? Just open the lid, drop the item and close, surely? I don't understand how people getting their bins so filthy?

I'm surprised at some of the replies you're getting OP, the issue about the bin is really not the point. It's the fact that your DH didn't care about how you felt and used your mental health as a way to kick you down. That's not ok. Why could he just say ok I'll wash my hands and help you? I think he's been really unkind to you and I'm not surprised you feel alone

Foods Standard Agency Guidance:

Yes, food hygiene rules and regulations strongly address touching bins due to the high risk of cross-contamination. Bins are considered major sources of pathogens, and strict handwashing protocols are mandatory after interacting with them. In summary, food handlers must treat bins as high-risk items and maintain strict "clean as you go" practices, which include washing hands immediately after any contact with waste containers.

So you are ignoring being shouted at so children flee, being called a psychopath ?

I think you need to address the severity of your condition op .
I understand the want for cleanliness BUT it must be awful for your husband to feel under constant surveillance and judgement ,and have you critise and nit pick at his normal behaviour.
Maybe visit GP see if he can't get you so e support to help you manage your obsession around it .
Also you maybe passing on this behaviour to you DC .

I never said his behaviour was acceptable?

I was addressing a different point about bins.

FWIW I disagree with his behaviour but I also sympathise with how difficult it can be to live with someone who has mental health issues, and it sounds like he just snapped after being "told off" one too many times.

Then get a bin you don't have to touch. I only put my hands on my bin when it's being emptied.

Does she care how he feels every time she makes a comment on his behaviour?

I totally sympathise. I have a lot of similar issues. I have OCD about hygiene also a phobia of sickness (also autistic which makes it all harder in general)

Have the same issue about touching the bin and needing to wash hands after.we are a strictly shoes off household. We still antibacterial wipe any shopping. We change when we get in and the dc have clean uniform daily and they are checked for headlice daily. Dh is fully on board though and he does extra cleaning as knows that’s simpler than trying to do some kind of desensitising me to these issues .

Food standards agency disagrees with you, where is your expertise derived from?

It doesn’t matter what it was about or whether your request was unreasonable or not - it is totally inappropriate to scream “stop being a psychopath” at your wife in front of your two young children….!

He needs to apologise and then you need to think about some help for you OCD for your own sake so you don’t have to waste so much headspace worrying about these things

What your DH said isn’t nice but he was likely standing up to you in front of the kids on purpose.

You are affecting their lives and so he rightly called you out on it.

What did you expect him to say after acceding him of having dirty hands?

This is your problem that you must get help for because speaking from experience your DH and kids will resent you and this could ruin your relationship.

The kitchen bin is no dirtier than the taps, dishwasher handle, door handles etc.

This household has an 11 and 12 year old from memory so asking that hands be washed from bin to dishes is totally fine

The food standards agency strongly disagrees with your advice

Do you adhere to every piece of food standard advice in your kitchen?

Sounds like the straw that broke the camels back.

How did you address him? Are you quite certain you didnt snap first? Is this the only comment you made, or was this a 3rd or 4th comment of the evening about the kitchen?

I’m not remotely germaphobic but I reflexively wash hands after touching the bin or the pets.
I think that’s bare minimum hygiene.

Shouting insults at a spouse about their MH in the presence of dc is not ok. Not remotely.

What’s he like otherwise op?
Is this anger completely out of character?
Why are a 11 and 12 year old giving you a hard time? What’s going on there?

I think the OP has put herself down enough in the post to not need anymore victim blaming?
She seems aware enough of the impact this has in herself and others.
Understandably her OH 'snapped' and answered back, but this should have stopped an one sentence.
Not going on and on and calling her a psychopath!
Surely this isn't acceptable at any time, nevermind in front of the kids.
To put her down so much in front of them is just not on in many ways.

OP, sorry he was such an arse.
It sounds like this is an unusual level of response for him?
You mention having had a hard day with the kids too. Did he also have a hard day with the kids?
Is he supporting you with them?

That’s guidance for businesses.

Half of their advice is not relevant in a family kitchen.

That's incorrect

I don't think he should have spoken to you like that.

You need to stop that in front of the kids. FIL was like this and DH used to wash his hands until they were red raw.

Why? Are they incapable of using a pedal bin?

Are you getting help with your issues?

Honestly if I was DH I wouldn’t let the DCs live with you.

I don’t think you realise how damaging it is to a child to think that their parent thinks they’re dirty.
You’ll also be passing your issues onto them.

I'm not the world's tidiest person but am exactly the same when it comes to the kitchen. If I touch the bin I have to wash my hands etc. I don't think it's OCD just hygiene conscious.