DH has really upset me! AIBU??

[CustartWithMustard]

I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD. I’m not the cleanest, tidiest person in the world, but it revolves around food hygiene and hygiene in the kitchen. When I was a child, I’d struggle to eat food if I’d seen someone touch it.

As an adult, it does affect me, but in different ways. When we go to stay with friends and family, I have to actively avoid watching them make the food because when I’m there, I notice everything, and I have seen some disgusting things over the years that I think other people just aren’t picking up on, but I’m hyper aware. For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

Anyway, I struggle watching DH in the kitchen, which I appreciate isn’t nice for him. He is cleaner than many people, but will sometimes put something in the bin, touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food. Maybe others are okay with this, but it grosses me out.

Tonight, DH was in the kitchen whilst I unloaded the dishwasher. He said he was going to help me, I said, “I’ll just unload the dishes because you’ve just touched the bin.” I appreciate I must sound like a lunatic by now, but anyway, DH got really annoyed and was speaking to me in a really angry way in front of the kids who are 12 and 11. I asked him to please stop but he kept going. DD’s were already leaving the room when it started but they left and he continued on at me saying “stop being a total psychopath!!!”

I know I’m totally flawed and at fault, but I’ve been having trouble with the way my DD’s talk to me, and I really wanted him to stop because in my opinion, this just gives the the green light to speak to me badly!

Ive finished up with the dishwasher and have comes upstairs to bed. I’ve had such a hard day with the girls and now this. I know you’ll all probably say it’s me, but I’m just so sad and feel alone, I’m willing to take the risk of getting totally flamed, just to offload.

I always wash my hands before I empty the dishwasher

I feel for you. I find it very hard to eat food someone else has prepared and cooked. I can pretty much only eat food I have cooked myself. For me it’s not about hygiene as I’m not that hygienic myself. I just don’t like other people near my food, breathing and sweating on it, talking over it, touching it, licking fingers etc. I don’t really understand where it’s coming from, I’ve always been like this. I thought it was normal and other people felt the same around food

People saying touching your kitchen bin is automatically disgusting, why is that? What on earth are you putting in your own bin, inside your house, that is so dirty and disgusting that even the lid might give you the plague? Food waste goes in its own recycling caddy, tins and plastic containers have their own recycling. I don’t think anything in my bin is actually ‘dirty’.

Just to add that I am a big hand washer and wash them many times when I work in the kitchen but I din’t have anything in my kitchen I would deem disgusting and filthy (ie the bin).

Have a good rest now OP and start again tomorrow.
OCD is a hugely debilitating illness,
It is also very difficult to live with.
Talk to DH, seek treatment for the OCD as well as counselling together.
Best of luck with everything 💐

OP, both of you are coping with the consequences of your distorted thinking – why do you deserve grace for it and he doesn’t?

Just to offer a bit of solidarity OP, I have diagnosed contamination OCD (which developed from lifelong emetophobia - I'm 53 now, but I never had children through choice). I'm not particularly extreme, depending on the situation - I am anxious about specific microbes that would cause vomiting, not "general filth" lol.

Yes, we can be quite annoying to live with. I get that. But I've been with my husband for 28 years (I got worse in the last 18 years), and whilst he occasionally gets exasperated and huffs a bit, he has never shouted at me about it. He is understanding but he doesn't indulge me or encourage my compulsions. Equally, he doesn't try and bully me into being rational, because he appreciates that I can't be at that particular moment.

We do have to try and help ourselves as much as we can. I had 6 sessions with a psychologist last year who said the real problem is uncertainty - the uncertainty of whether or not we are going to be made unwell by an invisible pathogen that may or may not exist causes discomfort that is too much to bear, so we chase certainty by washing it away or avoiding touching things. She persuaded me to try sitting with the discomfort - get used to the uncertainty. A bit of human dirt is part of everyday life (not poor hygiene, just communal day to day surfaces for example).

Realistically, I know full well that fomites aren't lurking in infection-causing quantities on every single surface, and not every single surface can harm me. OCD is the voice that says "But what if this time, there is?" So one weekend away, I didn't clean every main touch point in the hotel room with hospital grade wipes and sprays. I got down on the floor with the grandchildren (DH has 3 adult children with their own kids now) and played with them, and I ignored the anxiety that their snot and dribble was awash with germs. I kissed their faces instead of the top of their heads. At night I didn't get up one more time to wash my hands, just in case.

And what happened? Nothing. Nothing at all. We had a nice weekend, I was totally liberated by telling the OCD to fuck right off, my hands were less dry and cracked, and the grandchildren saw "fun granny", not uptight granny.

It hasn't gone, of course it hasn't, but I know that I can do it. I really recommend trying to get some sessions - if you go private it's about £80 for 45 mins, but even one or two sessions would probably help. Good luck and don't beat yourself up.

In our house we’d wash the raw meat dish at the end, and put it in the recycling box so wouldn’t be near the bin.

Wait. I’m like this too. It’s just hygiene.

I don't think I'm OCD but all of these:
people licking their fingers whilst preparing food
tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in
touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food

would disgust me because of transfer of germs.
Obviously if I was the only person that the food was being prepared for, and it was me that was doing the finger licking or spoon dipping, then it wouldn't be a problem.

I don't see an issue with dogs licking the dishes as they are loaded into the dishwasher as the high temperature will kill any germs.

All in all, I can't see anything that OP has done is wrong other than perhaps speak sharply to her DH.

No because we have chosen to just live with additional hygiene measures in place which keeps me calm and in turn means we have a harmonious home.

They are fine and oblivious except for the fact they know to take their shoes off ! Everything else is just done , and done quietly and mostly when they are at school so there’s no impact on them- because we have our set routine and I’m calm and it doesn’t need to be spoken about.
They wouldn’t have a clue if it was the same uniform every day for a week or the clean set I put out each night , they don’t see the shopping being wiped as they are at school when we go shopping, I’m assuming most kids have their hair combed daily ? I’m just taking a few extra mins to have a look through as well. They get told to wash hands before meals which I think is quite standard !

You wouldn’t say that if you’d ever had a child with very thick tight curled hair with headlice, nightmare to get rid of and it’s much easier to do a daily check than treat a whole household with infestations

Me too, why would you touch a dirty bin then not wash your hands before to hing a clean plate yuck! I use to help out at the food bank and serve coffee and cake, I got pissed off when people just came up and started grabbing pieces of the cake with their hands without asking, so the next time I kept the cakes behind me so they had to ask and I gave them a slice on a tissue, the other girl who was helping me and had been there for years laughed and said they all laugh at how fussy I was when I was on duty, I turned and said really I'm not fussy just clean and don't appreciate dirty hands grabbing pieces of cake that others have to eat ,,

I haven't read the thread but I think anxiety isn't the right term really - this is justified disgust! There's a very good reason this is difficult to overcome. OP I agree with you on touching bin lids and then handling food, just disgusting

Exactly I wouldn't call that OCD that's my normal as you say food hygiene weather at home or outside, I don't pocess a bin they make me cringe I put all my rubbish in a plastic bag or paper bag the I have a box of disposable gloves which I bring the bags out and put them straight into the bigfa bins including the disposable gloves. Then I wash my hands and am ready for a cuppa, I worked for NHS

This must be very difficult for your husband and children to live with OP. I think you need to take your DH’s outburst as an expression of frustration. If you retreat into hurt victim mode it avoids taking responsibility for your condition and its impact on others.

Posters have asked what treatment you have received for OCD/anxiety but there’s no reply as yet.

I wash my bed linen every day cause I cat stand the thought of skin we shed on the sheets so I wash clean then new fresh linen on my bed how lovely just routine, not OCD if I was still working I would be doing the samething

If you put all your rubbish into a plastic bag, the bag becomes a bin.. I’d rather have a proper bin than a bag which will leak or deteriorate if it’s paper. Are your plastic gloves biodegradable?

There seems to be a lot of undiagnosed OCD on this thread.

Lot of posts: I don’t have OCD this is my normal I wash my bedlinen every day with plastic gloves on and only touch my bin with a barge pole.

The bag doesn't leak I of course it's a bin I put my gloves on close the bag open my front door and buffs bins are there put rubbish in bin , I don't like any rubbish hanging around in my home, so if there's one piece of paper etc I open door throw rubbish in appropriate bin job done

I have OCD so to be honest I feel the same, however almost all my family do the same thing OP!

I just asked my DP what he would do after putting something in the bin and then planned on cooking/unloading the dishwasher - he said (unprompted, might I add!) that he would wash his hands first. Then I told him about your DH about to unload the dishwasher after using the bin and he looked grossed out too, and my DP is very much not a germaphobe! He will use self service screens in a supermarket and then eat finger food without washing his hands (gross to me!).

Then we had a discussion and he proceeded to do a demo LOL but if the bin has a swing lid or a button, absolutely would wash hands. If just dropping something into a bin (open top style), maybe not. He did say he would default just wash his hands though!

I also saw upthread someone stating they use an elbow which terrifies me, but I might be dramatic about that. Why would you touch a bin lid with your elbow or clothes and walk around with that on you all day?! :D That’s just how I see it though and I am clearly diagnosed so… :D

ETA: OP, your DH is being a twat. Mine thinks so too - I understand being frustrated but you bloody offered to do it! No impact to him at all.
💐

I don't quite know how to say that but... that sounds exactly like OCD to me.

Also paper bag won't leak as you it in recycling bin which as no fluids , and as I say the bins are in a row five steps from my front door, I can't rest with rubbish in my house. I then come in once rubby is in appropriate bin wash my hands my home is clean no washing up all done put kettle on have a cuppa, so I always wake up to clean home tidy kitchen

Why wouldn’t you put your bag in a more solid bin-like container to contain smells, fluid, mess etc?

You’re using a thin, plastic bin where other people would rather use more robust ones, that’s the only difference.

What happens to food waste?