DH has really upset me! AIBU??

[CustartWithMustard]

I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD. I’m not the cleanest, tidiest person in the world, but it revolves around food hygiene and hygiene in the kitchen. When I was a child, I’d struggle to eat food if I’d seen someone touch it.

As an adult, it does affect me, but in different ways. When we go to stay with friends and family, I have to actively avoid watching them make the food because when I’m there, I notice everything, and I have seen some disgusting things over the years that I think other people just aren’t picking up on, but I’m hyper aware. For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

Anyway, I struggle watching DH in the kitchen, which I appreciate isn’t nice for him. He is cleaner than many people, but will sometimes put something in the bin, touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food. Maybe others are okay with this, but it grosses me out.

Tonight, DH was in the kitchen whilst I unloaded the dishwasher. He said he was going to help me, I said, “I’ll just unload the dishes because you’ve just touched the bin.” I appreciate I must sound like a lunatic by now, but anyway, DH got really annoyed and was speaking to me in a really angry way in front of the kids who are 12 and 11. I asked him to please stop but he kept going. DD’s were already leaving the room when it started but they left and he continued on at me saying “stop being a total psychopath!!!”

I know I’m totally flawed and at fault, but I’ve been having trouble with the way my DD’s talk to me, and I really wanted him to stop because in my opinion, this just gives the the green light to speak to me badly!

Ive finished up with the dishwasher and have comes upstairs to bed. I’ve had such a hard day with the girls and now this. I know you’ll all probably say it’s me, but I’m just so sad and feel alone, I’m willing to take the risk of getting totally flamed, just to offload.

Yes. And it is what it is. If you're in a good relationship and this is a quirk, thick skin and a clap back usually suffices.

I wouldn’t call OCD a quirk!

@Rileymary by quirk I mean it’s part of them. My DH has OCD and PTSD not easy at times but it is what it is and a clap back often puts things in perspective for him!

DH must be exasperated.

You already are. Get CBT. It works. I’ve had it for this awful disease and I feel for you.

It’s not ok to inflict your psych probs on other people. It won’t fix you.

You know this, just as you owe it to your children to make the effort.

The op may well be receiving therapy and medication for her OCD/anxiety and doing all she can.

It is so rude to attack someone’s mental health condition when they are asking a legitimate question about a separate issue.

The issue is that op’s husband talks to her like s*t and it is causing her DDs to talk to her like s*t. The example given is about bins but he could literally be doing this about lots of things completely unrelated to the ops mental health condition. It is abusive behaviour and abuse doesn’t become acceptable because you find the victims behaviour annoying.

@Spookyspaghetti when my husband behaves like this I speak to him like shit. Because it is not fun to be on the receiving end of it! The husband is a victim of her behaviour as I am when my husband has kitchen Ocd, which is so bad it's become a running commentary with in-laws and friends!

To answer your actual question op. Your husband’s behaviour is abusive and it is causing your children to act in an abusive way. Abusers don’t get a free pass because the victim might need to work harder on coping with a lifelong condition that won’t go away and can only be managed. This also makes you vulnerable and I’m sure it’s a lot harder to not do these behaviours when your husband is treating you terribly.

Your husband is totally unreasonable to expose your poor children to this.

Completely unacceptable. Poor children.

OP take this seriously.
This is emotionally abusive for your children to witness him verbally abusing you.

Neither normal nor acceptable.
If he has an issue he needs to address it away from those children.

You’re NOT “totally flawed.”
You sound so defeated and so beaten down and so ready to accept that you’re in the wrong.
That makes me so sad for you.
I’m going to quote a movie, but it’s lovely, and I want you to repeat it over and over to yourself every day until you believe it.
Okay?
Here we go:
”You is kind, you is smart, you is important.”
What you say and how you feel in this world matters.
Learn to stand up the people in your house, in your life.
Call me if you need anything - I’m right here.
Sending love from California ❤️

Your noticing all the germ transfer etc is just like me! Didn't have it as a child as far as I can remember, it's as I've got older, but totally understand the frustration and ick of husband and others not aware/careful! Seems like basic common sense to me. Have had numerous arguments with husband because of it,and I also try and avoid seeing him do anything in kitchen! It's unreasonable of him to call you names,and not just express that it annoys him when he feels you micro manage him cooking. And definitely not good the kids hearing the disrespect, name calling and lack of mature communication! Or letting something go over his head,and being understanding..Im afraid children as they get older do tend to get a bit gobby,disrespectful and pushing it,part of becoming independent and separate from parents apparently! Not to say it's acceptable, or let it go,manners and kindness,and being respectful are important.When they are calm ,perhaps when you are driving/ walking with them somewhere, or not direct face to face check that they aren't getting bullied or something at school and taking it out where they feel safe,mum...also when things are calm have a chat with hubby about how he made you feel,and being a team to try and tackle the kids..You are not the only one with any of these issues.Big hug to you x

You could maybe say that last sentence about OP too though, couldn’t you?

@Spookyspaghetti it is not abusive behaviour. It is a normal reaction to such a confrontation when you live with someone with OCD!

Op you must be mentally exhausted & your DH sounds as if he can't take any more.

Do you feel it would be worth having a chat with your GP who could refer you for cognitive behavioural therapy to help you become more rational while still maintaining essential food hygiene without making it mental torture. You deserve help and you can get it if you open up to the professionals who are there to assist you. There is no shame in seeking help.

@Coaly what about the husband and his MH with being on receiving end of this?

I can’t comment on what you’re a victim of because this thread isn’t actually about you. But do you really think that her children would be copying her husband’s abusive behaviour long term if it were a normal level of snapping back out of irritation? If she is the problem they would be copying her behaviour like so many have suggested.

@Spookyspaghetti children behave the way their parents allow them! We've just had friends for NY one is a DCI the other a Colonel they gentle parent and their child behaves the way they parent which is equal to a spoilt brat who doesn't understand no! Our DD was parented firm but fair and always responded well. Which has translated to a well adjusted adult. My own parents argued like hell post divorce, Iearned to switch it off!

I really don't see what the OP has done wrong here.. she doesn't like people putting saliva in her food and she said she would do the dishwasher 🤣 she's not exactly kicked off and called him a dirty bastard or anything

The emotion of disgust exists for one very specific purpose: alerting us to health hazards. It's purpose is to make us reject that which has disgusted us.

I'm so sorry that you've been made to feel there's something wrong with you for feeling disgust when witnessing actions that cause cross-contamination in the kitchen.

And I'm appalled by the number of people attempting to shame you for normal, healthy, valid disgust. There is nothing wrong with you.

@Glockenspock well said.

OP, you’re not flawed, and it’s totally reasonable to not want your DH to unload the dishwasher with bin hands. I’m gobsmacked that there are some folk on this thread who disagree with that.

He was a bit unkind in his reaction by the sound of it. Hugs to you x

With respect this is not about not liking something. It's a reaction to the point of having such anxiety about food hygiene she can't even join friends in the kitchen without having a visceral response to their cooking. I can't imagine how it feels to visit family & friends & be unable to relax due to an obsession with what's going on in the kitchen. If it was a one off comment about DH washing hands after touching the bin I would have a different opinion. I hope OP gets the help she deserves.

I'm so surprised that people think this is a major issue. OP you made a mistake even mentioning OCD because a lot of people are obviously triggered as they've been affected by someone who has it but it ranges from mild to severe and what you said doesn't even sound that extreme.

And you are the opposite of a psychopath so what he said doesn't even make sense. People with OCD are like the polar opposite of someone with traits on the dark triad. I know he's not being literal but it's annoying all the same, and I'm sorry he called you that! I would find that so very offensive and I can tell you love your family very much

@Glockenspock
The OP has said she has OCD for years.
That is very, very different from practicing good kitchen hygiene. It is called a disorder for very good reason and is often extremely debilitating for the sufferer. It also can impact very much on those close to them.

I don't think I've got any OCD cleaning tendencies but if I'm handling the rubbish bin - I mean more than operating the foot pedal - I do wash my hands afterwards. My husband would do the same. And I would never eat off a spoon while cooking and stick it back in the pot.

So as a one off incident I may be able to see your point but how often do you go on like this, i could not handle living with someone the way you come across in the op but we dont know the full story

Do you struggle to eat at friends though?
Do you watch people obsessively while they cook?
Do your fears disrupt your life every day?

There is a difference between normal care about food hygiene and obsession/compulsion. OP has indicated she’s talking about the latter and I think you’re talking about the former.