DH has really upset me! AIBU??

[CustartWithMustard]

I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD. I’m not the cleanest, tidiest person in the world, but it revolves around food hygiene and hygiene in the kitchen. When I was a child, I’d struggle to eat food if I’d seen someone touch it.

As an adult, it does affect me, but in different ways. When we go to stay with friends and family, I have to actively avoid watching them make the food because when I’m there, I notice everything, and I have seen some disgusting things over the years that I think other people just aren’t picking up on, but I’m hyper aware. For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

Anyway, I struggle watching DH in the kitchen, which I appreciate isn’t nice for him. He is cleaner than many people, but will sometimes put something in the bin, touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food. Maybe others are okay with this, but it grosses me out.

Tonight, DH was in the kitchen whilst I unloaded the dishwasher. He said he was going to help me, I said, “I’ll just unload the dishes because you’ve just touched the bin.” I appreciate I must sound like a lunatic by now, but anyway, DH got really annoyed and was speaking to me in a really angry way in front of the kids who are 12 and 11. I asked him to please stop but he kept going. DD’s were already leaving the room when it started but they left and he continued on at me saying “stop being a total psychopath!!!”

I know I’m totally flawed and at fault, but I’ve been having trouble with the way my DD’s talk to me, and I really wanted him to stop because in my opinion, this just gives the the green light to speak to me badly!

Ive finished up with the dishwasher and have comes upstairs to bed. I’ve had such a hard day with the girls and now this. I know you’ll all probably say it’s me, but I’m just so sad and feel alone, I’m willing to take the risk of getting totally flamed, just to offload.

The thing is everyone can have an opinion about whether this is ott behaviour, but none of us are you, @CustartWithMustard

If you find it disgusting, then it is. You need coping mechanisms not vilification. See if there's a group near you who are working through these types of challenges.

Ref the bin lid, you are right, it is disgustingly dirty, so buy some antibac that has staying power and use it to clean with regularly, do this on all handles of doors etc. Then you will know that whilst someone touches these items, they're not transferring germs either way that will survive.

My bins open with a pedal so I don't touch the lids, some open using sensors. Would either be helpful?

I think tasting food and reinserting the spoon is disgusting too.

Your, DH is an AH. Your DD is disrespectful. Neither are your fault and you are def not to blame. How people behave is for them to take responsibility for not you.

what are you going to do as they get older? When they start to help with shopping and comb their own hair etc?

Why was he so upset that you said he'd touched the bin lid? It's a fact, not an insult. And since you were offering to unload the washer without his help, he wasn't negatively impacted at all. Personally, I'd have accepted his help but asked him to wash/wipe (sanitise) his hands first.

I don't think you should keep beating yourself up and blaming yourself - you're not even saying "I was wrong in this instance" (although technically you were correct, it's just that most people don't bother to make as much of an issue about hygiene). You're actually denigrating yourself as a person and partner. Please stop, because while your fastidiousness may be mildly annoying to him, his ranting and bullying you in front of your children is far worse.

You don’t give your kids enough credit.
Kids are clever and pick up on things even if they’re only 4/5 years old.

What’s happens when they come home from playing out on a weekend?
Surely they don’t change their clothes then?

What’s going to happen when they get to 10/11 and they don’t want you doing their hair for them?

Whats going to happen when they bring school friends round after school, you can’t expect the friends to change out of their uniforms?

OCD tends to be a very persistent life-long neurological condition that you can learn to manage, but it doesn't fully go away.

And yes I do hate this really pass agg question that people ask without the remotest genuine desire to help other posters.

You are affecting their lives and so he rightly called you out on it.

You don't "call someone out" (horrible Americanism) but berating them and calling them a psychopath in front of the children. Not if you're sane.

It’s a very relevant question.

If OP is not getting any help then of course DH and the DCs are going to lose their rag.

But if she’s getting help and she’s genuinely trying then DH needs to be more patient and understanding with her.

It might be cumulative though. If the OP hovers in the kitchen every time he cooks, making him wash his hands multiple times and giving suggestions about cleanliness he may have snapped and had enough of her projecting her hygiene-related anxiety on him.

It might be mildly annoying as a one-off but rage-inducing as a daily occurrence.

It’s exhausting living with someone who has OCD as the rules are very rigid. It might be that the OP stands next to her DH every time he cooks, monitoring how he is doing it and ordering him to wash his hands multiple times.

One thing I do know about OCD as that its victims frequently down-play how bad it is, both to others and themselves.

So how other people behave is for them to take responsibility for, but how the OP behaves is for other people to accommodate and cater to? Interesting.

I agree with drinkfeckarsebrick

I think you aren’t being unreasonable OP

If you say you have OCD then I definitely have.

Mine is also kitchen hygiene and food related.

I write with a sharpie what day I opened stuff in the fridge. Hubby freaks out saying I have OCD

I no longer eat at my SIL’s because I can’t bear to watch what goes on…
Her kids are always being sick. I’ve witnessed rice left out all night and eaten the next day, touching chicken then wiping on a tea towel, rinsing prawns under the tap to defrost, reheating meals which are warm not piping hot over again, filthy grey wet dishcloth, used outside on a garden table then in kitchen. Seen it all.. no hand soap in loo…etc. So when school keep getting a call ‘oh they have a 24 hour bug’ Nothing is said. I have tried to say & print the stuff off, falls on deaf ears. It’s terrible to see. So yes perhaps I have ocd but I don’t care. I’m never ill from food poisoning. I wash hands after touching eggs. Schools should teach all this surely? Basic stuff or OCD behaviour on my part?

Bins are certainly germ magnets. I use my elbow to open it. 😅

Someone at Uni told me his Mum always judged people on their tea towel. Excellent 😂😂😂😂😂

Everyone needs to have ingested some germs, some more than others. If you don't come into contact with other family members' germs, at the very least, your immune system will be compromised. The more germs your digestive system comes into contact with the healthier your immune system. I am talking about ordinary daily life without serious health issues.

I suggest when anyone else is doing ordinary jobs in the kitchen preparing food, clearing up or emptying dishwasher, you do not go in there so you don't see what is happening.

I voted YANBU because I wouldn’t like things like that either. Use a spoon once to taste, touch food as little as possible and always wash your hands - especially if you’ve just touched the bin!

Would you call your husband a psychopath?

You do know what soap does, right?

@MrsJeanLuc no more than I'd call the OP a psychopath. Which I wouldn't as that's not the case! But I might call you one for that comment!

Agree, OCD ruins lives, both the person affected and those around them. They are both deserving of sympathy. It’s very, very difficult.

It's just that you said it's a "her" problem. Which I get. But I still think her husband calling her a psychopath is way out of line.

Urgh i can't deal with people like this! I just don't understand, why are people not bothered about feeling ill/sick regularly when they can avoid it really simply?? It boggles my mind

Just dont look OP.
It sounds like he was just getting more and more frustrated with you.
We do have immune systems.

I don’t think people understand the effect someone like this can have on you when you’re constantly walking around on egg shells getting bad on your nerves.

I’m a bit like you so I sympathise. No judgement or advice it is very hard.

Do you have problems eating out/at friends' houses? I once did a training course (Food Safety) and the trainer said she only ever ate toast and was scared eating out, because even though businesses are supposed to follow rules, and probably have no-touch bins etc, staff don't always. I felt sorry for her and wish I'd asked her if she'd been for help with her anxiety, but felt rude to do so in front of others. Mental Heath issues are real, and can also affect physical heath. If she was being truthful when she said she'd only eat toast, she could get ill.
Maybe you could get your GP to refer you for help. Even if your husband fits in with your rules, if you have teenagers/eat out/go to friends' places etc, you can't guarantee they will.

I do because my husband is like this in the kitchen!

Yes which is why you understand how difficult it can be and how sometimes you can be snappy at them.

Classic MN patronising response. Very few people on MN actually understand anxiety.