DH has really upset me! AIBU??

[CustartWithMustard]

I will begin by admitting I have some sort of OCD. I’m not the cleanest, tidiest person in the world, but it revolves around food hygiene and hygiene in the kitchen. When I was a child, I’d struggle to eat food if I’d seen someone touch it.

As an adult, it does affect me, but in different ways. When we go to stay with friends and family, I have to actively avoid watching them make the food because when I’m there, I notice everything, and I have seen some disgusting things over the years that I think other people just aren’t picking up on, but I’m hyper aware. For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

Anyway, I struggle watching DH in the kitchen, which I appreciate isn’t nice for him. He is cleaner than many people, but will sometimes put something in the bin, touching the bin lid and then go straight over to handle the food. Maybe others are okay with this, but it grosses me out.

Tonight, DH was in the kitchen whilst I unloaded the dishwasher. He said he was going to help me, I said, “I’ll just unload the dishes because you’ve just touched the bin.” I appreciate I must sound like a lunatic by now, but anyway, DH got really annoyed and was speaking to me in a really angry way in front of the kids who are 12 and 11. I asked him to please stop but he kept going. DD’s were already leaving the room when it started but they left and he continued on at me saying “stop being a total psychopath!!!”

I know I’m totally flawed and at fault, but I’ve been having trouble with the way my DD’s talk to me, and I really wanted him to stop because in my opinion, this just gives the the green light to speak to me badly!

Ive finished up with the dishwasher and have comes upstairs to bed. I’ve had such a hard day with the girls and now this. I know you’ll all probably say it’s me, but I’m just so sad and feel alone, I’m willing to take the risk of getting totally flamed, just to offload.

No, it said after touching a bin, did you not read it?

Honestly, makes me wonder what people are doing if their bins are that filthy!

I have to say… you are totally OTT. Now I appreciate it’s medical for you - and it’s great you are working on it / are aware. But if I was your DH and had to live with this every day, at some point the pressure cooker would boil over. And this may have been the day.

You can’t help it and it would be unreasonable for me (or anyone) to judge you on your behaviours, but it sounds like you’re aware it’s not ‚the norm’. Your DH sounds like for the most part ignores it and gets on with it but today he just couldn’t.

Checking your children daily for headlice is not ok !!!it’s bananas and will give them a complex get a grip of YOUR problem and stop it from transmitting to your poor kids

how do you cope when you find headline ?
do you inflict this on visiting children and relatives ?

I will admit that I’m often skanky and totally not OCD but even I would absolutely wash my hands after handling a bin if I was touching food OR clean dishes immediately afterwards!!!!
and would wash them very very often when cooking and definitely wash my hands before I unload the dishwasher.
im aware of licking/putting the spoon in. I would do if noone is watching 😂 and not do it someone is watching.

so your request was NOT unreasonable actually

I’m similar when it comes to food, germs and anyone outside the house offering me food, but this wouldn’t bother me as I know my home is clean.

Can you wipe down the bin lid with antibacterial spray or wipes daily and you have to worry about any germs.

Or just use a bag. I don’t own a kitchen bin.

Quite a weird first post tbh. I find it extremely disgusting that you think it is ok to touch a bin and then touch clean dishes and I do not consider that feeling to be caused by anxiety.

If I’m tidying up after dinner, I would go from the fridge, to the bin, to the dishwasher, stroke the dog, fridge again, bin again, wipe the hob, dishwasher again, turn off extractor, bin again, turn on tap, touch fridge, freezer, cooker, microwave. Imagine washing your hands every time you touched the bin. The stuff I put in the bin isn’t dirty, it’s just food we haven’t eaten or packaging that can’t be recycled.

I can understand him for getting frustrated. In terms of shouting, well it happens doesn’t it? I have a strong relationship but we occasionally shout about domestic tasks, children need to see that too. My parents always bickered about the dishwasher, recycling, but they are very much in love after 50 odd years.

OP admits she has anxiety, so I asked her what help she was getting. I didn't say anything about touching bins 🙄

Personally I have a pedal bin to avoid this issue entirely.

That’s a bit weird.
i put stuff in the bin in one go, or two, specifically for this reason.
amd also we are talking about cooking the food that people will eat, not about cleaning up after

Hi OP, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm the exact same!

I was diagnosed OCD when I was 7!

And it's a struggle to eat out, or close to people in general.

I can't ever leave my food unattended for thinking maybe a fly will land on it!

My ex, the kids dad, was really really decent, potentially his only redeeming feature was that he would generally do things my way (at least when I was watching).

Other relationships have not share the same acceptance.

All my friends understand, they leave me disposable cups just for me to drink from etc, pick places I'm okay to eat. Obviously I do get mocked too though!

You are not being unreasonable at all. Thought I'd let you know theres more of us out here! :D

I agree it’s never nice to be spoken to like this and certainly not in front of kids, but I lived with a bf who had similar issues and honestly it was starting to make me feel ill with stress at his stress (or pernickityness in my eyes) over everything. I suspect that you feel stressed with the kitchen stuff and he feels stress from your stress.

Maybe don’t be doing tasks at the same time in the kitchen.

I am definitely not OCD and I would have the exact same reaction to you to all your examples. He’s the one that sounds bats to me. I’m surprised there are so maybe people commenting that your reaction is OTT.

Probably same people who learned they need to wash their hands often during COVID…

I think you were both a bit silly, but logically if you regularly antibac the outside of the bin, then there is no reason it should be any dirtier or germy than any other surface. The inside will be a little dirtier, yes, but you wouldn't ever need to touch that when throwing something into it, only when emptying it.

I open the bin lid by pressing the button with my knuckle.. so I think you're totally normal 🤣

Your "rules" are for you to live by to manage your condition, OP. You can't make the rest of the household walk on eggshells around you unless your aim is to raise some seriously damaged children.

You are being totally unreasonable and your DH was probably at the end of a very long piece of rope with your behaviour.

I wouldn’t mind being checked for headlice if it meant I got someone to play with my hair/scalp. But seriously obsessive stuff like that can affect your kids.

For instance, people licking their fingers whilst preparing food, sweating, tasting their cooking and putting the spoon back in, even someone’s dogs licking the dishes as they load them in the dish washer… actually being allowed to!!!!

I don't have OCD and wouldn't consider myself in any way anxious or fussy and every single one of these things would bother me. I REALLY notice on cooking shows when people taste with a spoon and put the spoon back in (for example Jamie Oliver sometimes, Raymond Blanc always)

The bin thing wouldn't bother me mind you. And maybe it is hard to live with your standards. But your dh shouldn't have yelled at you and shouldn't have called you a psychopath and shouldn't have had the fight in front of your children.

Can you sit down later on and ask him just how hard does he find your standards of hygiene and at the same time ask him to talk to you about it not in front of your children.

Im sorry OP, I understand it must be really horrible for you to live with your OCD issue. However it is 100% your problem and completely unfair of you to expect your DH to change his behaviour to accommodate your issues. My DH has some OCD issues (not hygiene related) and it drives me insane when he tries to make it my problem. He does understand its not my issue and its on him but my patience has worn thin over the years and I do end up snapping and probably seem very unreasonable in the moment. You need to get some help for your issue because your children are watching and learning and will be picking up the same behaviours and I would imagine you do not want that for them.
To all the posters banging on about dishwashers and bins and so on, for goodness sake, contact with some microbes is necessary for a functioning immune system. We arent meant to live in a sterile environment. While I wouldnt recommend licking a raw chicken or cleaning the toilet and then emptying the dishwasher without washing your hands some of you frankly need to get a grip!

Why do people have such dirty outsides of their bins? Maybe wipe them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Although you obviously need professional help with your issues, I don’t understand why you have a bin that requires you to touch it.

Surely if bins is one of your triggers you would get a pedal bin or sensor one.

Same as with the dishes.
If you have a problem with germs then you’d wash your plate before you use it anyway and so DH not washing his hands before putting it away would not affect you.

I’m surprised you can allow DH or your friends/family to cook for you.
Some of the things you’ve said are disgusting and it would put us all off!
But that’s normal.

I would consider finding a way where you’re not in the kitchen at the same time as your DH or kids if it’s just when you see things.

Different people behave different ways I guess, I am constantly put things in the bin, I wouldn’t ever think, put everything in the bin at once to minimise touching it again. It’s my bin, just wrappers in it, and food that my own family have left. It gets changed and cleaned. I have a really modern kitchen with pull out bins and they get washed all the time.

Buy a bin with a sensor lid so you don’t have to touch it

Mine has a button to press to open it.. it's wiped regularly, but say DH is handling meat then pushes the bin button to dispose of the packaging, the button is going to have raw meat juices on it