Lodger concerns

[Hockorydickerydock]

My lodger is having a hernia operation and there no sign of any family support

I work full time and don’t have time to be caring for my tenant who pays me rent, and for me it over steps the mark - he should be having family to help care for him or - or going to stay at family members where he can be helped and supported!

AIBU - to expect him To sort this out ?
AINBU - to leave him to it- as I be out working 8am to 6pm and have enough going on!
I feel like he expect me to sort his dinner and so on! Yet we don’t have any conversations or socialise - he rents a room games cooks and goes to work?

It's not your problem. Hernia surgery is usually keyhole and he will be fine, a little bit sore perhaps, but not in need of 24/7 care from anyone, least of all his landlady.

It's not your problem! You will be at work and not there. He knows that so he needs to plan. I don't know why you're tieing yourself in knots over this.

Then he needs to tell the hospital that, but he'll probably be fine. You don't lose your ability to microwave a ready meal or order groceries in once you're in a state to be out of the hospital anyway. He just needs to prepare, and the hospital will sort transport.

It’s a bit of a weird one but you need to decide what you are and aren’t willing to do.

Pick him up from hospital - no
Microwave ready meals for a day or 2 - yes
Anything else - no, family or friends need to rock up

Decide if you want to help in any way (or not) and then have a blunt conversation so he knows the deal. Reality is, he’ll probably be ok and will only need limited support but should that change, he needs to know you’re not going to become his carer and he needs someone he can call on.

Just don't do it and don't get involved. You're not responsible and you are going to be busy.

You don't need to arrange anything for him. You've told him you can't

How old is he?

He is 40

Why are you even thinking about what will happen.... IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM

This simply isn't your problem.

I would write him a note clearly stating you will be out of the house and unavailable to give any help. He will need to arrange his own support. Just to clear up any misunderstanding. Then carry on as usual.

Very cheeky of him. I would be putting very clear boundaries in now. Don't message his mum. That in itself is becoming involved.

Is there any level of help you are prepared to offer op?
It all sounds a bit heartless.

Agree with @DDivaStar. Something like

'Dear Lodger, there seems to have been a misunderstanding here. I am not available to provide support after your operation, and I don't think it would be appropriate. I won't be in the house most of the time anyway. Hope all goes well.'

I don't think you should be microwaving meals either - it blurs boundaries.

Just tell him to buy some ready meals before he goes into hostipal he can heat them up, problem solved. Its keyhole surgery its not a huge surgery.

If Op was the lodger's mum in reasonable physical health I would agree. But she's his landlady. A man wouldn't even be asked to deal with this shit.

This
Not sure alot of help is required after hernia operation.
I wouldn't be messaging his family

This is not your monkey OP.

As for what happens if he needs help? well you won’t be there.

Hernia surgery does not entail taking to your bed, he’ll be perfect capable of popping something in the microwave and is there not Deliveroo in your area?

You are over estimating the amount of support that he needs. You made a remark in one of your messages about him not being able to get out of bed. This is completely incorrect. My son had a double hernia operation in August, he was in and out of hospital in approximately six hours. Yes I picked him up and took him back to his flat but as an organised adult he had already got some ready meals in so I was there really just for company. It wasn’t possible for me to stay over in his flat so I left that evening and he came home about four days later for some recuperation. However, he was absolutely able to move around slowly immediately he came out of hospital, get into and out of bed and And he even insisted on putting his own pizza into the oven about an hour after we got back to his flat. It was nice for him to be looked after by us when he came home, but he would have been perfectly capable of managing on his own.

The main issue For your lodger is how he is going to get back from the hospital if they need someone to collect him, which is probably correct. DS took a small rucksack with him and I had to carry that and his medication out of the hospital. As you are genuinely unable to collect him due to work, you need to make it clear that he will have to make his own arrangements. Surely he has some friends/work colleagues? Other than that he just needs plenty of rest and relaxation, however I can’t see why as a decent human being you wouldn’t offer him the occasional bit of support with shopping or things like that.

I'm not really sure why you're even giving this any headspace, tbh.

He's not your responsibility in any way and I can't see why you're giving it any more thought.

You've told him you're not available and so that's an end of it as far as you're concerned. He needs to sort it out himself.

it’s day surgery. They’ll have him up on his feet after he’s done. All he needs to do is not exert himself. If he’s able to go to the bathroom on his own (so not bed bound) he can walk to the kitchen and put a ready meal in the microwave.

I’ve had 3 abdominal surgeries op. The latter 2 were for incisional hernias and I was opened up. Not keyhole. Mine is a very very long scar. He will be fine. He doesn’t need anyone cooking for him. He doesn’t need anyone to help him out of bed. The hospital should teach him how to do this. I used to hook my foot around the side of the bed to help me out as that was less of a strain than shimmying myself up the bed by my elbows.

What would be nice for him if you supply bedding is to ensure he has enough pillows to prop himself up with as being in a more upright position helps with getting out.

Edit -after surgery you should have someone for 24 hours after surgery with you at all times. But that’s for him to sort out, no?

He's having a minor op
He will be up and out of bed post op and shown/ given a leaflet on how to do it.
Nurses dont lift people out of bed anymore and haven't for years
He can order himself some ready meals for the post op period

Then he cannot have the operation. Easy. No care where he lives, and relatives not interested in assisting. Or he goes to live with his mum until he recovers.

I get up shower and out of house from 7am
driving to work 7am to 8am

in London 8am to 6pm

drive home 6-7pm

I then walks dogs - and feed them

and then microwave some batch cooking -
and bed by 9pm reading marking
or gym
9 to 10pm

Tuesdays and Thursday - 7 to 10pm teaching locally.

My dog has a dog sitter come in 3 times a day
and my ex also pops in as they half his dogs!

i never see my lodger he does nights!
he pays rent and once month we share a roast
which I cook - but my mate is here also and there always left overs

He's 40. he can sort this. Good grief! Its not clear from your posts but I am wondering if your expectations are what you think will happen or what he has told you that the hospital has told him OR what he has made up??