Lodger concerns

[Hockorydickerydock]

My lodger is having a hernia operation and there no sign of any family support

I work full time and don’t have time to be caring for my tenant who pays me rent, and for me it over steps the mark - he should be having family to help care for him or - or going to stay at family members where he can be helped and supported!

AIBU - to expect him To sort this out ?
AINBU - to leave him to it- as I be out working 8am to 6pm and have enough going on!
I feel like he expect me to sort his dinner and so on! Yet we don’t have any conversations or socialise - he rents a room games cooks and goes to work?

Fair enough. I know they sometimes try and make people do caring responsibilities.

He can get out of bed himself, after a c section l was getting out of bed once the anaesthetic had worn off. I had no choice with twins to care for and he will just have to look after himself

Not great his mum doesn’t want to do anything but as the nearest passing female l wouldn’t be stepping in as you have other commitments. You could always heat up his dinner when you do yours? But that will obviously involve him doing his batch cooking and freezing it

He can buy in microwave meals and pay someone to collect him from hospital as well as come in 3 times a day to do his food, help him wash and dress him. I don't believe he'll need much more than 4 days or so of support. The fact a 40 year old man isn't sorting this out for himself and thinks you are his locum mummy figure tells you why his mum is taking such a hard line with him. I know the care will cost him but that's also for him to manage. He can take out a loan or sell a possession to pay for it.

Crazy thread. Do you think a landlord would put their life on hold and rearrange things if a tenant had an operation. NO. OP this is not your responsibility, the end.

Should you assist him in anyway it would be because you viewed him as a good friend nothing to do with him being your lodger. Please separate the two.

It's usually a day procedure. My DH had it done last summer and my 2 year old DS is having it done as soon as an appointment comes through. DH was in discomfort for a day or 2 but could see to most things himself. He was signed off work for 6 weeks as he works on a building site.

Why can’t he wash and dress himself?!

Our son had a hernia operation and the next day went to watch his football team.

Don't get involved with your lodger. He's a 40 year old and can sort himself out.

So you train counsellors, I hope they are more compassionate. How long does it take to microwave a ready meal? Give him space in your freezer for ready meals he can buy in advance. Maybe make him a cup of tea in the morning for the first few days. Unless he is nd he should be able to organise himself some snack type things for breakfast or lunch. Why are you fixated on his mum not being able to help him?

This isn’t your problem. He is an adult & if he needs an operation it’s up to him to sort the logistics out. It also isn’t your role to contact his mum to try & arrange things. He just rent a room off you, you have no ties to him.

Ive just recently had surgery & also have no support so I batch cooked & froze meals before going to hospital, I arranged everything I could possibly need. If he really has nobody to provide support, there are options to hire care staff.

Because bending over if you've just had a hernia op is painful. You also need to avoid getting the bandage wet.

What bandage? DS had dissolvable stitches and glue over his wounds - same as I has a few months ago for a gall bladder op. You could shower after 48 hours, might even have been 24. Bending over was a bit awkward but as I wasn't going anywhere I just wore slippers or flip flops for a few days and no socks. By day 3 we were both perfectly capable of doing everything for ourselves, with care.

They won't keep a 40yo man in hospital if he has fully recovered from the anaesthetic, and they won't be organising a nurse to visit him at home. A hernia op is a minor procedure for most, and he will be able to look after himself. The sutures are likely to be soluble and he won't need any follow up.

Please, OP, stop catastrophising!

He needs to get food/drink in before op, easy stuff ... fruit, biscuits, crackers, cheese. Even go so far as making sandwiches, soup and freezing and buying ready meals for 5 days. He will be fine making a cup of tea, getting food out of freezer and microwaving it. Just leave him to it. If he asks again suggest he go to his mums so stepdad can help or he needs to remain in hospital for a few days.

When my son had a minor day operation I went to collect him and we had to stop twice on the half hour trip to his house for him to be sick. I didn’t have to help him get out of bed (though the op was in his backside), but for sure he was grateful I was there. Depending on your relationship I might offer to collect from the hospital and give him one dinner but that’s it.

I wouldn’t get involved. You’re not his mum. At most I might be willing to cook extra/microwave something for him for a couple of days.

Its like dealing with door to door salesmen. They try to keep the conversation going and get you to volunteer information so they can counter it. Best way to deal with it is the old grey rock response "I am not doing that" rinse and repeat.

Yeah. I heard it a lot in hospital. The staff pressuring anyone who visits someone to be their carer so they can get the bed back. Then if that fails pressing patients to ask their neighbours to be their carers. I think one of them pointed out that this isn't bloody Ramsay street.

You're getting upset over nothing OP. Has he even asked you to help? It wouldn't take much to put a microwave meal in for him, if he needs it; but if you can't help, you can't help. You're under no obligation to.

He can just ignore the NHS advice. It would be lovely if we all had people to look after us and drive us around everywhere, but not everyone does. Of course he can get a taxi home. They don't guard the doors and refuse to let you leave - they're delighted to see the back of you. He can buy some ready made soup or microwave meals in advance, if he wants food when he comes home and is not up to cooking. If his condition deteriorates or he gets an infection, he'll call an ambulence or get himself back to hospital. You're catastrophising for no reason. This is a 40 year old man; capable of planning his own care. I'm stunned you're considering texting his mother.

Does he need help my boss had a hernia operation last week , was in the train next day to London and working , the day after that it had been 48 hrs after op and he was driving .

My suggestion for a carer to help with personal care for a few days, in tandem with buying ready made microwave meals, was to prove the point that if he needs or wants help, he can sort this out for himself without the need for either his mum, or his landlady to help him. There are different types of hernia and different body shapes where the use of dressings rather than glue may be required.

Of course it's a man. Just remind him that you are his landlord and that this is not something that you can offer. I'd probably get rid of him at the first opportunity as well as he sounds very entitled and has no respect for boundaries.

That is just ridiculous. The anaesthetic would still be in his system the following day... hence why you have someone with you for 24hrs.

No-ones job is that important.

He will cope 🙄. Within 4 hours of having a c section l was in the shower, l walked to the shower, washed myself (including hair wash), dressed myself and walked back to my bed. I was very swollen in my lower body due to the preeclampsia which took about 6 weeks to go down. Then for an encore tended to newborn twins throughout the night as my husband got sent home. It must be lovely being a man and having an operation, with all the fuss and cosseting! He will be fine. He’s 40, not 4

He needs to tell the hospital that he has no help at home and no one to be with him for 24 hours after a GA.

Then if the op does not go according to plan, if he needs monitoring etc, they will not assume there is someone at home to do that.

Hospital won't want to take more care of him than they have to, but if he makes it clear he has zero support at home they will have to if he genuinely needs it.

This is why I stopped having male lodgers.

One man even asked me to take his washing out of the machine when done and put it in the tumble dryer for him. Because I was working from home that day. That was my last male lodger, at that point I'd had enough of stuipid entitled comments like that.

Now I just have women. No woman has ever asked me to do anything for her.