Lodger concerns

[Hockorydickerydock]

My lodger is having a hernia operation and there no sign of any family support

I work full time and don’t have time to be caring for my tenant who pays me rent, and for me it over steps the mark - he should be having family to help care for him or - or going to stay at family members where he can be helped and supported!

AIBU - to expect him To sort this out ?
AINBU - to leave him to it- as I be out working 8am to 6pm and have enough going on!
I feel like he expect me to sort his dinner and so on! Yet we don’t have any conversations or socialise - he rents a room games cooks and goes to work?

This.
You are his landlady.
Not his friend. Not his flatmate.
You do not offer extra services like providing meals unless that is already part of the rental agreement.

You need better boundaries and you need to know how to keep things completely professional and non-personal.

Leave him to it. Don't cook for him, the lazy tyke. I live alone, had a hernia op a few years ago. Was very sore for a while, but I was perfectly capable of looking after myself, including cooking. He shouldn't need any help tbh.

Advise him to stock on ready meals and he can ping it himself

You havnt said how old he is, or if he is working. If he's working surely he has a friend who could may help him a bit. But I think he should tell the hospital that he has nobody to collect him from hospital and no support whatsoever even for one day. If he needs care then I'd assume under the circumstances they could keep him in for at least 48 hours. If he rented a room in my house I would say well I'm at work all day, but could do you a light evening meal for 2 evenings but no longer. But there again I treat people as I would hope to be treated.

He is not your problem so make that very clear to him and leave him to sort something out. Can't he stay with his mum for a few days?

Hockorydickerydock you do not need to provide care.

This thread is still making me sad. It is so easy to end up in the position this man finds himself in.

Yeah I agree with this. He isn't pleading for help. He isn't disabled or having SEND or cognitive decline. I doubt he needs anything really. Deliveroo is a thing.

It's not an especially complex surgery I don't think. And he's not your son or even your close friend.

I'm sure you wouldn't expect him to care for you if you had an operation or become unwell.

If it's keyhole surgery it's a small op.
If it isn't he will have to have adequate help at home before he is allowed home.
That's not up to you .

Doesn’t sound like you like your lodger much … maybe best for him to find somewhere else once he’s fit enough !

Only thing more baffling than OPs take on this is the voting.

Out of curiosity, why?

You staying at home with him wont stop him getting an infection.
He just has gone careful and not lift heavy things..including the kettle

Because OP seemed to be thinking she had some responsibility which hadn't been discussed at all, and other posters seemed to agree, making her unreasonable, yet the voting is way skewed towards reasonable. Perhaps I'm just having a senior moment?!

Hi op you maybe overthinking this. if he struggles his mum will have to take him in for a few days but it’s not your problem either way. He is a grown man who can ask for help I think after this type of op it’s mainly about not lifting anything heavier maybe he’s asked because he’s trying to take advantage but you just say no sorry I’m busy ask your mother or father.

It’s a hernia operation not a heart bypass. He may be a bit uncomfortable but he will still be able to get out of bed, wash himself and use the toilet. Popping a ready meal in the microwave will also be easily manageable.

If he is allowed to come home on his own after the operation and he tells them, then they will keep him in for a day or so.

Why would I need to like or be friends with a lodger? It’s a business arrangement

What that a random man, a lodger, expects a woman to care for him, feed him and wipe his arse (ok maybe an exaggeration on that part)

@Hockorydickerydock owes him nothing. All the lodger owes them is his rent

although it is a day surgery it can take a while to recover, what if there are complications/infections. Should OP take him back to this hospital/appountments?

And re being released you absolutely are under ward arrest on being picked up and proving you are being observed for 24 hours.

I recently was in under GA for only an hour and a half. My mum in her 70's picked me up. She is fitter than me but they questioned if she was suitable to observe me and she had to knock on a locked door to pick me up and they checked her out

who is going to pick him up @Hockorydickerydock ?

I've always got away with heading cheerfully out to the taxi rank and enthusing about my neighbours (who I'm sure would help in an emergency). I suppose it depends on the ward.

Gosh how cold and inhumane you are. Glad I am not your lodger.

Fair enough and after only being under GA for 90 mins I would have done the same if I could have sneaked out. I did send my mother home well before the 24 hours but the district nurse questioned where she was the following morning

i told her she’d just nipped out for some essentials but I could tell she wasn’t buying it

thing is you just don’t know how you will react after being under GA

If I was inviting someone to lodge in my home I would have to at least like them! and vice versa …. Didn’t say you had to be friends .

That is true, but at the end of the day you would always have the right to discharge yourself if you really wanted to. Lodger should have a think about who he would call in an emergency though.

I sympathise - I really hate being looked after!

I get up shower and out of house from 7am
driving to work 7am to 8am
in London 8am to 6pm
drive home 6-7pm
I then walks dogs - and feed them
and then microwave some batch cooking -
and bed by 9pm reading marking
or gym
9 to 10pm
Tuesdays and Thursday - 7 to 10pm teaching locally.

How can OP help the man who currently rents her spare bedroom given that she has a full schedule? They are nothing to each other, they hardly see each other, he works nights. They’re not bonding over Eastenders each night after work. And like a previous poster said, would he do this for her? Probably not.

OP, he can tell the hospital that he doesn’t have anyone available to help, and he will be alone all day. They should make the arrangements eg stay longer in hospital, care home for a few days, rehab, whatever their local arrangements are. Either way, you are not available to do this care for whatever reason. And ‘I don’t want to’ is also a valid reason.

To be fair, I cannot figure out the difference between the two options.