Friends villa issue

[Foodieasfuck]

My friend has asked for my opinion and I’m struggling to advise.
She and her husband own a villa in the Canary Islands. Her husband bought it when he retired 5 years ago. They have been together 30 years and each of them has adult children (of their own).

They use the villa all the time and love the flexibility of being able to go whenever it suits them so they decided not to rent it out. It is a home from home with all their personal belongings in it.

They gifted each of their adult children 1 week each there per year for free, which works well usually. Sometimes their ‘kids’ also join them when they are there but they each have a week ring fenced so that they can use it too with their own families.

She has just found out that 1 of her husbands kids didn’t actually go himself last year. He let his mate and his family use it instead (without telling them). She has since found out that he charged them for the privilege!

My friend feels that the son’s 1 week per year allocation should be withdrawn because he can’t be trusted. Her husband thinks (to save any agro) they should just stop them all using it as “it was becoming a pain anyway”. It’s causing all sorts of issues between them and they’ve gone from quite a peaceful couple to being ‘at war”.
It’s a bit of a lose/lose situation!
I’m struggling to advise her.

Whilst I agree with her that the son shouldn’t be trusted again, I can see that singling him out will continue to cause issues with her husband.

not really an Aibu more of a what would you do?
YABU = stop son using it
YANBU = stop them all using it

If it was my son I'd read him the riot act and tell him not to do it again and that would be the end of it.

I agree with other posters. Tell the naughty son not to do it again, but don't stop him (or any of the other kids) using it.

Sledgehammer v scalpel. But both work.

It’s absolutely none of your business. It’s between her and her husband.

My thoughts exactly

It’s happened just the once. Surely a warning should suffice? Just say that if it happens again the privilege will be removed from him. Then he’s aware of the consequences.

This

I didn't vote on YABU/YANBU because I think it would be better all around to be magnanimous (step)parents and say "You mustn't do this again" but not cut anyone's access off after the one incident. I mean, how do they want to look to their kids or to the avid second-hand audience on Mumsnet?

At least with a sledgehammer, there's no danger of them getting confused. After all, he didn't understand the original offer was for his family to stay and not for him to make a grand tax free off his mate - seems like plain language is needed, really.

I'm not sure you should advise her at all. This is between her and her husband to sort out so just provide a non-judgemental listening ear?

noone else has said this but my first thought was one week ! Thats a bit tight ?

also has anyone asked the son if he gave up his holiday and made a profit because he’s struggling financially ? Why he did it would be important factor ?

also it would cause inter family rift to ban everyone and be really mean

Well in your friend's shoes I'd simply speak to him myself and say -

Your dad is soft and doesn't want any confrontation over this so I'm speaking on behalf of myself not both of us. I'm really let down by what you did. Your dad wants to stop the visits for everyone. This is not fair not at all. You've really upset the whole arrangement. Don't ever do anything like this again - it's our private space and you opened it to strangers (to us). The very least you can do is to give the rental money to your dad.

Her husband bought it when he retired 5 years ago.
I suspect your friend's husband feels like he has the final say as he was the one who bought the house.

My friend feels that the son’s 1 week per year allocation should be withdrawn because he can’t be trusted. Her husband thinks (to save any agro) they should just stop them all using it as “it was becoming a pain anyway”.

It is her husband's son who is at fault. Your friend believes that privileges should be withdrawn from her husband's son. As a result, the husband wants to withdraw all privileges, including allowing her adult children to stay.

As he was the one who bought the house, it is ultimately his decision. I'm not sure why the OP is becoming involved.

Quite honestly i think that if they give 4 weeks out of 52 to their kids...one week each...( is.that.right.?) then they are a pair of tight arses..If i was one of their kids, i'd tell them to stuff their villa where the sun don't shine. One week!" Jog on.

My advice would be to not give advice. They're 'at war' over it. When the dust settles they might forgive each other for whatever has been said but they might not forgive you.

That aside, a big issue with punishing all the adult children is that it will fracture the relationship between the siblings/step siblings.

why don't they just ask all kids to inform them of their chosen week and who is going?

OH daddy is being a grumpy pain in the 🍑 he'll just have to wait a week if the family have booked it. I wouldn't be standing for that nonsense.

Just so you know op ring doorbells are also a legal minefield in Spain. They are only allowed if all you can see is your own property. They cannot cover any communal áreas or public roads.

Advise your friends to say no sub-letting to anyone in the future. If it happens again then the privilege is removed.
Is the DH always soft on son? Clear boundaries need to be set.

I think he should split the money he made with the other siblings as a goodwill gesture - not that it's about the money primarily. If he didn't want to use his week that's his choice BUT he's deceived the rest of his family and caused a right mess. Had he asked what the other members of the family thought about the plan in advance then that's different. Instead he went behind everybody's back, lied and pocketed the money. Bloody liar.

Sell.ot and invest the money in something for the family. If your DH sees this as 'his' then it's only going to cause more grief.

They are being unreasonable to want to withdraw the 4 measly weeks they offer to their own flesh and blood because it stops them going. They’re their children. I’d love to be able to offer my kids this. There are 48 other weeks for them to go to their villa.

They’re therefore also unreasonable to use their son’s cheeky fuckery as an excuse to punish them all when what they really mean is, fuck you all we want complete freedom to go or not go and if it’s sitting empty and you could be there well it sucks to be you - it’s our manger and we are going to be the dogs that sit in it. If it were my villa I’d let my kids use it whenever I wasn’t, for free.

I wouldn’t ban the son from going either. I’d just tell him he’s a cheeky fucker, that absolutely couldn’t happen again and I want a photo of him with a copy of that day’s newspaper every day of future holidays until he can be trusted. And he’d think I was joking but I’d absolutely mean it.

Not your circus not your monkeys

not your problem to dirt in any way or form

they will figure it out between them

They could just tell the son not to do that again. It was cheeky not to ask permission, but no serious harm was done, provided the family who rented from him looked after the place properly. Stopping everyone having their own week feels like overkill and also unfair - they are not a class of 8 year olds all being put in detention because one child was naughty.

@Foodieasfuck I find some of the comments on here diabolical lol

The son was gifted a week to use his mum and dad’s villa.. he didn’t use it. Fair enough. To offer it to someone else and their family … and then CHARGE them for it as if it’s his own villa is shameful, if he had any decency he would have said to his mum and dad ‘im
not going to use my week in the villa but is it ok if “so and so” uses it and they can pay you some money towards it …?’ Not take the money for himself and not tell his parents who own the place!!!

He absolutely needs to know there’s consequences to being an entitled, shady human being sorry. End of privileges.