Friends villa issue

[Foodieasfuck]

My friend has asked for my opinion and I’m struggling to advise.
She and her husband own a villa in the Canary Islands. Her husband bought it when he retired 5 years ago. They have been together 30 years and each of them has adult children (of their own).

They use the villa all the time and love the flexibility of being able to go whenever it suits them so they decided not to rent it out. It is a home from home with all their personal belongings in it.

They gifted each of their adult children 1 week each there per year for free, which works well usually. Sometimes their ‘kids’ also join them when they are there but they each have a week ring fenced so that they can use it too with their own families.

She has just found out that 1 of her husbands kids didn’t actually go himself last year. He let his mate and his family use it instead (without telling them). She has since found out that he charged them for the privilege!

My friend feels that the son’s 1 week per year allocation should be withdrawn because he can’t be trusted. Her husband thinks (to save any agro) they should just stop them all using it as “it was becoming a pain anyway”. It’s causing all sorts of issues between them and they’ve gone from quite a peaceful couple to being ‘at war”.
It’s a bit of a lose/lose situation!
I’m struggling to advise her.

Whilst I agree with her that the son shouldn’t be trusted again, I can see that singling him out will continue to cause issues with her husband.

not really an Aibu more of a what would you do?
YABU = stop son using it
YANBU = stop them all using it

There seems to be a lot hanging on this word 'gift'. It was the OP's way of describing the way they were offered a week each. For all we know the friends never actually used the word 'gift'

It seems likely to me that what actually happens is that the parents say "You are welcome to use the villa for your family holiday for one week a year - and then come at other times when we are there is convenient" rather than it being a formal 'gift'. i.e they allow for the use of each offspring to get on weeks' sole use of what is a family second home, not a holiday rental. .

Nothing about that arrangement suggest to me that it is a self contained 'gift' to be treated as the Dc chose, and any grown up with half a brain must have thought about the effect of allowing other people to use his parents personal possessions, privacy, and also the serious implications of taking rental money.

Good job his sons friend didn't have an accident whilst there ad they would have been i trouble for not being insured as a "holiday let" as money passed hands. If it was me I would tell son than he can mo longer use it as broke your trust. As long as the other ac hasn't done anything wrong why should they be punished. But that said they would be warned any damage/incorrect letting and their use would be stopped as well. I dont let my property but did let some younger family members go for a week (mid 20s). The mess and damage was awful and I no longer let anyone use it unless we are there and we specifically invite them.

What a sneaky thing to do... he shoukd be stopped from going but I don't see why the rest of the family should be.

Simply tell the son to cough up the money received for renting to his friend and the gift that to the other "children". Tell the coward not to do it again and hire a management company to go by with a list you provide for any one to be there

So he would rather upset all his children rather than one?
Well, we all know who the golden child is don't we.

Agree finate (2 years is good) ban for offending son. Then given a chance to redeem himself, carry on as normal for the other children. It’s an awful thing for the son to have done, would have invalidated contents insurance etc I’m sure to have paid guests there?

We are lucky enough to have access to my DM’s flat in central London which is empty a lot of the time and I ask her permission even to have a couple of friends in for a drink with us there.

Something similar in my family. The villa is packed with family stuff so it would exactly be like staying in their home. My family put up security cameras and regularly check them. However I can’t see this happening in this scenario and the son knew he could get away with it. I’d read the riot act and carry on as before. Life’s too short

Seriously???what’s the issue? Letting strangers into someones home???

Why can't your husband grow a pair of balls, be a parent, and tell his son in no uncertain terms " you were bang out of order, what the hell were you thinking?"

I agree. Yes he should have asked them if that was OK, but it doesn’t seem so terrible to me (assuming the friends left the villa in perfect condition). Maybe he used the money to pay for a holiday elsewhere that he wouldn't otherwise have been able to afford, rather than visit the same place again.

I don’t think he should be banned from using the villa again, just told firmly by his father that it’s not to happen again. If friend and her DH decide not to let any of the ‘children' use it in future, that’s a different issue - they shouldn’t link that to the actions of just one of them or it will cause ill-feeling.

I’m so sick of seeing people who haven’t got the balls to tell people who abuse the system. Instead punishing everyone just because it easier.
I’ve had it in my workplace where someone was skiving off but rather than dislike them we were all punished by making us sign in at a completely different location where we were originally told to, so they could keep an eye on us all.

It's a shocking abuse of generosity and should be addressed! Certainly don't penalise other adult children - they've done nothing wrong. It sounds like your husband struggles with parenting and just wants to take the easy way out by banning them all.

I would leave it as is but make clear to all the kids that the week is for them only and they can’t pass it on to anyone else especially for money. If anyone does break the rule then the result will be that they can’t pass it no longer use the villa. That way everything is crystal clear and nobody can complain.

God same - who cares?

People wasting their lives, doling out "punishments" and moaning about crap....

Why don't they just tell him they would prefer he didn't sublet and everyone get on with their lives!

It’s not really strangers though it was his sons friend… it would be different if he put it on air BnB I’m just not sure I’d care if my son let his friend stay at my holiday home (yes I have a holiday home so I do understand)

Why on earth can’t the ‘kids’ use it whenever it is free? We have a cottage which we don’t let out and if our ‘kids’ want to use it or come with friends then they can so long as no friends of ours have asked for it that particular time.

Your friend and her dh must feel pretty hurt and annoyed that their child would want to sneakily make a profit out of them in that way. He needs to explain himself! But of course the other adult children shouldn't now be banned! That's utterly absurd and will cause ructions in the family.

Restricting it to just 1 week seems a bit tight! 52 weeks of sun there, but subletting is a no.

If the offending son is the husbands, him wanting all adult children punished for his sons transgression ?......that seems a tad unfair.
Issues:
Decisions: Wether this couple still want to extend the free weeks use of their villa to their adult children.
Wether they wish to remove the privilege of using the villa from all their adult children (as its not what they want anymore) or just from the son who betrayed their trust by sub letting .
Those decisions might illuminate the way forward.
I think allowing their adult children to each use the villa for a week seems a nice thing to do. Avoiding those 4 weeks doesn't seem much trouble in order to share their lovely villa with their adult children.
So,id have a full and frank discussion with the offending son.Making it clear
they allow you to have use of the villa with the express proviso that its for family use and must never be sub let to anyone else. Ask him never to do that again or he will have the privilege of villa use withdrawn.
it doesnt seem fair to punish the other adult children because one has taken liberties.

Was there an agreement that the week should NOT be sublet? Or did you all ‘think it was obvious’? HE obviously didn’t!

He’s an adult, there shouldn’t be any “punishment”.

He should be read the riot act, hand over the price he charged, and told never to do it again. I doubt he will now that he’s been found out.

Case closed.

Exactly this. Why the problems? I’m guessing your friend wouldn’t be as quick to ban the son if it was hers and not her husbands. Why can’t they just speak to the son and say it’s not on and if it happens again then he won’t be able to use it? Why does anyone need to be banned? They’re all adults.

That's what I think.

If he is too weak to single out the son who did it and ban him for a bit, then he just has to accept he is too weak to enforce consequences and move on.

Incidentally, I think stopping it for all of them will be a much bigger drama, so if he can't face pushback from his son, he's going to struggle with pushback from all of them. You can't punish all of them for the son's actions. In terms of family harmony, he really hasn't thought that through.

I can see why they would ask him to stop the sub-letting, but if there is no harm done, then I actually think a ban is a bit OTT. Just say it can't happen again.

Does your friend mind you posting this? It would be fairly outing to anyone who knew them ...

I agree: it's a bit "Naughty Step."

The number of people on this thread who would apparently be happy for their home to be let from under them the minute their back was turned and without their knowledge to a stranger is staggering.

And of course complete shite nonsense.