Friends villa issue

[Foodieasfuck]

My friend has asked for my opinion and I’m struggling to advise.
She and her husband own a villa in the Canary Islands. Her husband bought it when he retired 5 years ago. They have been together 30 years and each of them has adult children (of their own).

They use the villa all the time and love the flexibility of being able to go whenever it suits them so they decided not to rent it out. It is a home from home with all their personal belongings in it.

They gifted each of their adult children 1 week each there per year for free, which works well usually. Sometimes their ‘kids’ also join them when they are there but they each have a week ring fenced so that they can use it too with their own families.

She has just found out that 1 of her husbands kids didn’t actually go himself last year. He let his mate and his family use it instead (without telling them). She has since found out that he charged them for the privilege!

My friend feels that the son’s 1 week per year allocation should be withdrawn because he can’t be trusted. Her husband thinks (to save any agro) they should just stop them all using it as “it was becoming a pain anyway”. It’s causing all sorts of issues between them and they’ve gone from quite a peaceful couple to being ‘at war”.
It’s a bit of a lose/lose situation!
I’m struggling to advise her.

Whilst I agree with her that the son shouldn’t be trusted again, I can see that singling him out will continue to cause issues with her husband.

not really an Aibu more of a what would you do?
YABU = stop son using it
YANBU = stop them all using it

21st century problem. I'm sure most here would happily use the villa for one week and not sublet. As a consequence for his actions he is no longer allowed to use the villa for being a greedy idiot.

Ring doorbell needs to be charged every few weeks. So would need to be charged in advance of visits. But they are great!

If they stop all the children getting a week to use the villa then they're probably all going to be miffed. Why would the DH rather upset 4 families than 1? And the son who 'sold' his week obviously didn't need/want it so why would he care that he no longer has a week's holiday? Your friend and her DH simply need to remind their DC that the villa is also an extension of their home. If anyone doesn't to use their allocated week they advise the parents that the house will be available that week.

I haven't read all the comments, but I'm wondering... have they not had a conversation with the son along the lines of "Hey son, We gifted you all a free week at the villa so you and your families could use it. You charging your friend for use of it feels like you're taking advantage, and we don't want to stop everyone making good use of it so please don't do that again otherwise we will be re-thinking everything for everyone".

Not RTFT but to me this all sounds very uptight and as if there is a lack of basic warmth and kindness in the family.

Your friend and her husband have access to it 48 weeks of the year. My PILs have a flat overseas that we were welcome to use any time they weren’t there (it was too small to have us all there at the same time). So frankly, “gifting” (odd term) each adult 1 week’s use a year doesn’t seem massively generous to me and to talk about taking it away from the son or all the children just sounds mean-spirited and unloving. Why are they so keen to deprive their own children of this? So disproportionate.

As some PPs have said, all they need to do is lay out ground rules and make clear this shouldn’t happen again.

“Do that again and you’ll never see the vacay house again. Comprende?”

There. Your friends have laid down the law to the son and everything is back to normal.
Your friends just have to follow through if the little bastard rents it out once more.
You can’t see me, but I’m brushing the dust off my hands.

yes - my mum had a home overseas but couldnt let it out because of the issues with insurance

What's with the punitive treatment of adult children? Has anyone spoken to the offending adult son? Im not saying I agree with what he did but some people are just chancers. Can't you just tell him not to do it again and move on? I can't imagine having the privilege of a holiday home and denying my family the use of it. Unless that son is an absolute piss taker and there is more too it, then I'd just say he can't have it.

My thoughts too !! If my parents owned a house in the canaries, and "gifted" me the use of it for one whole week of the year, quite frankly I'd tell them to shove it !!! One particular week allocated to me ? Nah... no thanks. How mean can you get. Regardless of how often the parents use it, why are their children only allowed one week? There are 52 of them ....

No way would I stop all the kids going, one of the big benefits of having well off families around us is people can go stay at the family beach house- easy free available holiday. Imagine having a holiday home and banning the adult kids from using it ever, that’s so stingy.
re the offending son, do you know he’s well off? Could he have been looking for money and thought that sacrificing their own family holiday to make money a better option than borrowing or asking for help, and didn’t think through that you two would feel betrayed?

Do you really gift your children a week each in a holiday home you have or do you just say, you can use it for a week each?

as for what the son did - I’d let it go but I’d always remember this side of him going forward.

Just to add, nobody I know gets allocated one single week in the parents holiday house. So stingy.

Oh come on….

You would be happy if you let your kid stay at yours a week, and without knowing his mate was there instead, without him, amongst all your personal belongings, sleeping in your bed etc? Nobody would think that’s ok, without your knowledge whatsoever.

There’s always someone in a generous family who wants to take the piss…

your friend’s husband needs to hold his son to account. This will be the start of numerous poor conduct by the son, and unless his father nips it in the bud now, it will continue in various forms.

if I was your friend, I would remain cautious re the son. Is her future secure from claim should hubby pre decease her ?

The old classic of your friends husband not wanting to actually be a parent to his child and punishing them all instead so he can avoid the awkward conversation with his son about what he’s done.

I don’t see why the rest of them should be punished.

Also if my parents owned a villa outright and weren’t renting it out and didn’t even let me use it for a little weekend once a year I’d be seriously put out.

Agree, it would have a detrimental effect on the other AC who haven't done anything wrong. It's possible that denying everyone the use of the villa because of one offender, could create a division in the family.
Who knows why he would so such a foolish thing!...but he did and the conversation and consequences should be with him and no need for the rest of the family to know anything of the situation or feel the consequences.

Yeh I'm kind of with this one. Should definitely have told everyone though that goes without saying.

Agree 100%. There should be trust among immediate family and this particular son has now broken that trust.
There should be consequences for him alone.

It's a real shame her DH is being so feeble. He should get the money back off his son and tell him that he doesn't get to use the villa again as he cannot be trusted. SS thought he was being clever and making a few quid in the process but it was someone else's property he was taking a risk with as it doesn't sound as if it is licensed for paying guests. If there'd been some accident like a fire your friends could have found themselves in a lot of trouble.

Well, I hadn't considered the insurance aspect...but you are absolutely correct. The owners could potentially be massively out of pocket!
Some people just can't be trusted to do the right thing without there being consequences in place.

I think that, if all the children are banned, they deserve to be told the reason why. The son shouldn’t get away with causing this anonymously.

First of all the DF should not be conflating 2 issues which are totally separate.

Firstly his DS taking the piss, subletting the gift of a week's free holiday in a private home. This is unacceptable behaviour.

Secondly the DF's want of taking 4 weeks accommodation back from his DC, as originally agreed, as he wants to spend time at his villa as and when he chooses.

He shouldn't be using the first scenario to ensure the second happens.

They need to be having firm words with the DC who took the piss, making money from the free accommodation. I wouldn't want strangers in my property either. They don't need to go nuclear on all the DC. I bet they really appreciate the use of the villa particularly if they have DC themselves

My suggestion is they have a word with the son and tell him he was out of order, and warn him he will lose the privilege if this should ever happen again, or put a stop to his usage now.
The rest of the family have all been compliant and don’t deserve to be punished, but something has to change to make the set up work better for your friends. So how about giving their family a set month when they can book it exclusively for themselves (ie. August) but they will have to take it in turns each week ie. So some may get to book a week this year, the rest get priority next year. Otherwise they need to book out of season when the parents are not using it. This is your friend’s retirement holiday home and they should prioritise themselves first. They are being very generous sharing it with the family too, and saving them money, so the family should and I’m sure are grateful for what they can have.

Her friend is asking her for advice and she’s not sure how to guide her.

If I asked a close friends advice and they posted a fairly “outing” message on Mumsnet I would be quite upset. I’m not sure if your friend has given you permission to this but I think if I were one of their children, I would be able to figure out it related to my family. Personally I don’t ask advice in confidence for it to be plastered on the internet and send in the daily mumsnet round up.
more specifically this seems unreasonable. The husband needs to have words with their son as it could probably invalidate insurance. If the son is having financial issues then they should come direct to their parents.