Friends villa issue

[Foodieasfuck]

My friend has asked for my opinion and I’m struggling to advise.
She and her husband own a villa in the Canary Islands. Her husband bought it when he retired 5 years ago. They have been together 30 years and each of them has adult children (of their own).

They use the villa all the time and love the flexibility of being able to go whenever it suits them so they decided not to rent it out. It is a home from home with all their personal belongings in it.

They gifted each of their adult children 1 week each there per year for free, which works well usually. Sometimes their ‘kids’ also join them when they are there but they each have a week ring fenced so that they can use it too with their own families.

She has just found out that 1 of her husbands kids didn’t actually go himself last year. He let his mate and his family use it instead (without telling them). She has since found out that he charged them for the privilege!

My friend feels that the son’s 1 week per year allocation should be withdrawn because he can’t be trusted. Her husband thinks (to save any agro) they should just stop them all using it as “it was becoming a pain anyway”. It’s causing all sorts of issues between them and they’ve gone from quite a peaceful couple to being ‘at war”.
It’s a bit of a lose/lose situation!
I’m struggling to advise her.

Whilst I agree with her that the son shouldn’t be trusted again, I can see that singling him out will continue to cause issues with her husband.

not really an Aibu more of a what would you do?
YABU = stop son using it
YANBU = stop them all using it

What about all the weeks in between the second and last weeks of the month? There are 4 per month so they’d have 1st week and 3rd week, or am I missing something?

Option (C) - talk to all the adult kids about ground rules including that subletting their week is not allowed. Then carry on as before expecting that the rules will be followed. If this wasn't previously explicit then it's not a breach of trust - yes he could have asked and probably guessed that if he asked the answer would be no, so decided that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission. Subletting, and charging for it, is not intrinsically wrong in this kind of set up - though obviously your friends have every right to forbid it. However if they didn't already say so explicitly, their "gift" of a week per year at the villa could certainly be understood as a gift that the recipient can use as they please. Including, as with any other gift, the right to sell it if the recipient doesn't want it. It's a massive over-reaction to assume this son can never be trusted again after a first offence of something that wasn't previously explicitly forbidden.

Option (D) work out a setup that everyone is happy with that includes letting out the property to known and trusted friends of any family member. Including how the income will be divided if one of the offspring want to forego their week as a sublet. Also including what measures to take to secure personal items if non-family-members are going to be there.

Surely they just clarify that the week is for personal use and can’t be sub-let.

1 week each isn’t particularly generous. Although that’s besides the point. Dad speaks to son, problem sorted.

Yep, I'm in the 'Dad has a stern word with DS about subletting' should do it camp. No point in going nuclear and making everything a big deal, a DS thought he'd make a few bob from a friend (without thinking it through).

That or they sell the whole bloody lot and buy themselves a one bed flat somewhere else and tell the kids it's just for the DPs use only and they have to make their own holiday arrangements from now on.

A villa is always going to be a huge liability unless you're there almost all the time anyway.

A kinder way of dealing with this is for dad to speak to son, express disappointment and remind him that this is a family only villa. Son should give the money back to dad, or to charity. Then carry on. Its up to dad, in consultation with mum, since it sounds like a blended family moment. Always tricky to navigate!

To answer a few comments.

This is their 2nd home. They use it all the time. Often as a couple and separately with friends.

All 4 adult kids can use it anytime they want (if it’s empty) but each kid gets 1 week per year which is exclusively for them so that they can holiday there with their respective families.

The reason I said the husband bought it is because he retired earlier than my friend and used his lump sum. But they are married and share assets so that was just me describing it simply.

The reason I’ve been asked for an opinion is because I’ve known them all years and it has caused all sorts of upset.

im speaking to my friend later and my advice to her will be to let it go.. her husband needs to have a word with his son and move on.. it was the wrong thing to do (and I appreciate how let down they must feel) but no one died.

They are genuinely lovely people and all normally get on well. It’s just not worth the upset.

Thank you to everyone that commented. It’s really good to read the perspective of strangers but I feel there was a common theme in the responses so it’s been really helpful.

1 week each on there own, the OP has said theyre welcome to come stay anytime when the parents are there too as they use it a lot.

I think your advice is the right thing to do but the son should be handing over the money he received. Does he have financial problems, have they even asked why he did it.

I’m not at all. I’ve been asked to give an opinion. I’ve known them all years (including the son). Emotions are running high and they want to know what I think. Isn’t that what friends do.

Absolutely agree!

That is really bad of the son to let others stay there without asking his dad and step mum. It’s also tight to charge his friends for something that doesn’t cost him anything.

I don’t think the others should lose their use of it because of his actions, that wouldn’t be fair. I could understand if things became a bit stricter, ie they were all told explicitly that it’s for the only and no strangers or a Ring camera was installed. The whole thing seems a bit regimented though, I don’t have a family holiday home but only allowing children to use it once a week for 7 days is odd. I could understand if it was a business venture and rented out but given that’s it’s not it seems a bit mean and restrictive.

Both are BU. Why don’t they just give DS a dressing down and say that can’t happen again, install a ring doorbell to monitor as PP suggested, and carry on before? Her DH wins as he doesn’t have to deal with any drama and she wins as her children still get their weeks.

Feels a bit extreme to ban everyone considering the DS might not have realised they would care so much!

I’m not sure friends do ‘being asked for advice, go away and think about it, struggle to find an answer, ask a whole parenting forum and agree to regroup tomorrow with this answer’
unless it was a technical or legal thing which is your area of expertise and you came to ask on a related forum.
but your assumption of personal responsibility seems odd and disproportionate and clearly I’m not the only person who thinks this is weird and over invested

Unbelievable nonsense. Trust is exactly that: you know me, you know my feelings on the property, I trust you to use it in accordance with those sentiments. No one has to spell anything out anymore than they have to specifically tell you to lock the doors when you leave or not leave your turds marinating in the toilet bowl. It's their much cherished home from home, not an unwanted Christmas gift you flog on Ebay.

I think their response is a ridiculous overreaction.

They can all use it anytime they like if it’s empty but 1 week a year is set aside for each kids exclusive use…

Ah... that wasn't clear earlier.... The son shouldn't have rented it out though... it's a family house with presumably personal stuff in it. Not right.

The husband tells the son not to do it again. Surely that’s enough for an adult child to not do it again.

If they’re struggling to fit these 4 exclusive weeks in then it becomes a they get 1 exclusive week every other year instead.

Why is it so terrible if one person sublet out instead of going themselves? Maybe it’s unethical to make money (presumably? Unless he did it as a nice favour for his friend?) but it didn’t affect anyone else, it still only used up “his” week?

Because it’s his parents home that they allow him to use for up to a week should he wish to.

It has his step mum’s underwear in the bedroom drawers. Their private paperwork on a desk.

If you lived between two homes and said your son could make use of one for a week to enjoy himself, would you be happy if he then rented it to someone you don’t know? A family or a group of 20 yo or 30s men?

And as for ‘sub let’ there was no letting agreement. It was use if a family home. Not a holiday let.

Can you not see that charging money also crosses all sorts of lines too? About the liabilities that go with letting a property? Insurance?

Genuine question, how are your friends able to spend so much time in another country without becoming residents in that country?

They are Irish (EU).

This doesn’t stop them becoming tax resident in two places.

The son has behaved like such a total con artist & sounds like such a selfish idiot . His dad is already being very generous towards him , dad needs to read him the riot act & not let him walk all over him .