When can I share the real reasons I divorced my ex?

[Supportedinstep]

Kids are 15/16 and I divorced their father in 2020 when the police removed him. He was financially and coercively controlling and I had been trying to amicably split since 2018 and we were all over long before that really.

He continues to attempt to control me in any way he can, spoiling plans, cancelling things, refusing to pay his share, and now the CMS have been involved, as have the police.

I met my lovely partner in 2021 and he has been nothing but kind to my children. We don’t live together, have no plans to, and he is never put in the position of a parent.

I paid my ex off as a part of our divorce which is why I still have a mortgage. He rarely sees the kids and doesn’t think he should have to use his annual leave or pay for childcare as that’s what I’m for, because I wanted the divorce.

I’ve kept the details of the divorce and his behaviour from the children. I kept the house, and am very happy. He saw the children over Christmas and one of them remarked he had been hiking for the afternoon with my partner. My ex went mad and said that if it wasn’t for him, my ex would have kept the house and that I was seeing him before we divorced and that my ex is “financially ruined” because of me. NONE of this is true.

This confuses the children and they say they don’t know who to believe. I feel like showing them a copy of the consent order which details the payments made and our situation and also the appalling behaviour which I put as grounds for divorce and which my ex husband signed. They’re currently not speaking to my partner as “he ruined Dad’s life.”

WWYD?

They're 15/16, and they're already getting his spin on things. I'd tell them. They can decide for themselves if they still want contact with him. They most likely will, which is just an uncomfortable reality you have to face, but forewarned is forearmed. It doesn't sound like their dad has changed much, and sooner or later his behaviour will bleed through into the way he treats them. It's already present, in my opinion. If they know his history, they can make a more informed decision about how many chances they want to give him.

What did your husband do and how old are your children, I say this because without knowing what he actually did I can't give you an honest answer and need to know children's age, my ex left me when our daughter was six months left me with mortgage changed his number and my list goes on and in about the shit, what I chose to do is let my child no from day one that we are steam live on our own and as she got older slowly tell her bit more what I felt ages appropriate, I was not gonna be one of these mums who wIts until their sixteen by then their where you are now already being fed shit by him not knowing who is telling the truth, my daughter was told the truth from day one, when she was ready to see him she made her own mind up by seeing what a piece of work he is , so I say never lie they must know who their parents are and then they make their own judgement, I want with my ex for nine years , what he did to me and our child was disgusting it took me five years to get him out of my system and know I had the strength to do it alone, I have had a shit life from the day I was born and am now battling another serious problem for me serious problems follow and I have no choice but to deal with them, I know and have coped with a lot, so if you want to reply then do again what age are they and what did he do that you haven't told them

You have a Court ordered split.
Use that.

Explain that the way money is split is that you look at all the assets abd all the debts. Assets = house, pensions, savings. Debts= any money you own, incl mortgage, CC.
Explain that BY LAW, the split is more or less 50/50 and, in your case, validated by a JUDGE.

Id also point out that your ex is clearly angry. But the fa t he is angry or feel it is unfair doesn’t mean it has anyth8ng to do with you. You, just like him, followed the order of the judge.

Imo the important part here isn’t to prove your ex is wrong but to show them that emotions and facts are 2 different things.
Youve had a fair split validated/decided by the judge AND your ex feels it’s unfair etc.l. But how it feels can’t be conflated to facts (it’s your fault etc….)

At 15 and 16 they are old enough.

My mum covered / minimised / whatevered for my dad.
It made it very confusing.

Just lay it out for them and explain he is still their dad but he treated you badly and he is not subjective or to be trusted on things as they pertain to you
There should also know he will do and say things involving them to try and hurt or make like difficult for you.

Id also be completely clear he is dodging the already pitiful cms and had no financial means to stay in the family home. EVEN if he did what decent father would keep the family home and displace his children while their parents separste and when intending minimal custody....

Just pathetic.

@Holymess read the OP’s posts, you’ll have your answer.
The split was initiated after she had to call the Police to remove him.
He was abusive and controlling.
The children are now 15~16yo so we’re about 19~11yo when the split happened. They’ve lived with the abuse, police involvement etc… But they also have always known ther dad. And it’s still their dad. The ‘seeing who he really is’ often comes later in those situations,

The OP gives the children's ages, and that her ex was financially and coercively controlling in her very first post.

I would not show them as such but give them the option.

Stay out of the he said/she said. Be very calm and say that you are not getting involved in debates, opinions or slanging matches, but that if they want to see the facts in the court documents themselves then they are welcome to do so.

Okay do your children are old enough to know the truth , I would not beat around the bush sit them down and let them read the divorce papers, whatever papers you have on why the police are involved and text messages , let them know and see the absolute truth, also explain to them every single detail if how he left you what age they were how you struggled what you had to pay to keep a roof over their head's every last detail so they can then make an informed choice and if they still want to back him let them because the whole truth will only show the real person , I'm assuming if police where involved was he violent? Don't leave anything out they have to understand you brought them up through all the hard times as from what you say he was a part time dad , did he pay to support them if the answer is no then let them know that everything, my daughter knew everything , then he decided to see her when she was ten long story I asked she was curious so they met he came here and there then stopped had my daughter in tears I don't told him to fuck off sorry that he was not gonna mess our lives up or my child's she saw him and his family for what they were and she said to me you were right mum their horrible and she made the decision not to see them, he tried to 😚 tter in and out when it suited him I said I'll ask my daughter but she didn't want to know, she is happily married life bed down the road from me expecting her first child, the absolute truth always wins no matter how hard you can't keep sheilding them look where it has got you , I wish I could speak to you on the phone how old are you

You are being very unreasonable not telling them the truth! Your poor partner!! They're old enough to know how messed up your ex is and they should know for their own safety.

That's fine good they always knew their dad , but they are old enough to know the full truth of how their mother was treated and how it affected them because she was the one who had to deal with the mess I know how hard it is, honestly sit them down and tell them show them the truth they can make their own decisions, but if she doesn't show them ie divorce paper police information on abuse, did she have to go to refuge? I had a friend who had to go to refuge with her three children, without telling them the truth they will always be confused as to who is saying what and who to believe, once she has told them and shown them they then have the absolute knowledge to make their own decisions on what they want to do from their, it's not cruel it's cruel having them confused by not knowing the real truth and it's cruel on her their mother having to carry the burden of secrets that's unfair

Also as for it's still there dad they are not babies, he made the mess and she the mother is having to deal with it they need to know the truth, otherwise why ask for help if you aren't going to act on it, I never had to deal with this side because I told my child the truth but by bit as she got older so by the time she was there she she understood and knew what he did everything and when she got to meet him she made her own mind up

HeR heart I said the same there old ey let them know the whole truth with evidence then they can make an informed decision, otherwise there is no point asking for advice and you the mum will always be upset and your children because know one is being honest

I have read the early part of the thread, and tend to agree with everyone saying that your mid-teens are old enough to understand the situation, so yes, I would explain with recourse to the court documents.

Because I am now 70, and saw my parents' extremely vicious break up first hand at 16-18, I think this may alter their future relationship with their father.

Since my DM died 18 months ago, my sib and I have been able to rekindle a tentative relationship with our dad, who has mellowed with dementia, his second wife, who is entirely without blame for the divorce, and to initiate a relationship with his second family, our half-sibs. It has taken a long long time though.

I didnt want to have to show you this, and I know you know I love you and don't lie, but its unfair to blame newDP when what's been said isn't true.

Here are the documents/evidence. I am showing you this bc I want you to be able to make your own minds up about the truth.

I want you to know I love you, you were born bc I loved your father, but things happened so we no longer in love. And when you are ready, ask me whatever you want about it and I'll answer honestly.

Thankyou my kind of lady tell them everything, my ex left when out daughter was six months,with a mortgage no money changed his number etc, I started drip feeding reality and truths from the moment she could understand things before I got to the nitty gritty IE him the shit, so I started when she was four and a half and I brought her home from playgroup she was upset because a child told her she didn't have a dad, si I sat her down and said that's silly every child has a dad and a mum otherwise they won't be here, she then said where is her dad and I said I don't know he left and decided to live somewhere else like some dad's do,but you have mummy always and we are a team, and I slowly built on from their through each school year Nd each question I was asked, never had a problem with my daughter was happy being a loan parent stressful yes financially and emotionally but she was my child the child I always wanted , he was nothing to me when I got past him, I I definitely was not going to be a mother who sugar coated the truth to save his sorry arse and have a problem child in her teens thinking I made him leave she was gonna know everything

Ah, in the batshit land of Mumsnet even introducing your children to a new partner after anything less than a year is WAY too soon never mind spending time with them. And you aren't allowed to call them a partner either. Also anything under around 2 years is "early days" and a "new" relationship.

Oh and once you've finally established it as an actual proper relationship and are allowed in Mumsnet land to call them your partner, don't you DARE ever message or call them at work especially if they're away on business. So cringe. How needy. Imagine wanting to speak to them. Clingy AF.

I may just write a book on my crappy life from birth till now dealing with another impossible situation this one I can't get out of unless a miracle happens god willing

You should tell your kids the facts that your ex is an a*. I dont understand the need for authoriries to pussy foot around the truth. Not saying authorities are involved with you but it does happen and opens up a whole lot of problems in the future.

Ditto

I would show them the bills how much it takes to keep a roof over their head and that's not including clothes, outings, birthdays , problems if you need plumber electrician etc let them know how hard it is and what you have done for them and what he contributed or not then ask them how they would cope if they were left in the same situation

This. Give them the choice to either believe you or see proof, but seeing the proof in black and white is going to be upsetting. But you need to put a stop to your ex dripping poison in their ears, they are entitled to a happy home life. It's not like Daddy is going to whisk them away to his own home and buy them all a pony, is he?! What an arsehole!

My step kids blame their dad for everything cos he took a job in London having found them a home and their mum, influenced by her family, refused to move. She applied for a divorce quickly and a new man moved in within 6 weeks. He sexually abused my step kids. Their maternal family knew and did nothing.

The step kids blame their dad for being absent and not being there to save them.

Their mum died young. My DH died young.
I have a stash of court papers about 3 inches thick showing how he tried to get access to them, how the courts gave him rights and time and time again their mum denied him that right. They also show the judge threatening their mum with prison because she denied him his parental rights.

My step children don't want to see the court papers. They want to believe their dad was an AH who didn't care. He wasn't. He was devastated when he found their step dad had abused them. He never got over it and died estranged from his kids.

Share the court papers etc with the kids so they know the truth, do not leave them in a state of belief when they can know the truth.

Got any evidence to prove when the relationship started? Messages? Anniversary messages? Anything

I would tell them that when they’re ready and want to know the truth, you can show them the documentation.
They might not quite be ready to see for themselves the cold, hard truth but it sounds like they are definitely moving towards it by asking questions.

Please do NOT put your children in the middle. I would say, "Your dad and I see things very differently. I am sorry he chose to share what must have been uncomfortable information". I'm tempted to say that if they ask you specific questions answer those, but keep it brief and neutral. This is already confusing and too much information at this tender age and they'll be sitting in my office with parent issues. Also if you smear his name, that can backfire spectacularly.