When can I share the real reasons I divorced my ex?

[Supportedinstep]

Kids are 15/16 and I divorced their father in 2020 when the police removed him. He was financially and coercively controlling and I had been trying to amicably split since 2018 and we were all over long before that really.

He continues to attempt to control me in any way he can, spoiling plans, cancelling things, refusing to pay his share, and now the CMS have been involved, as have the police.

I met my lovely partner in 2021 and he has been nothing but kind to my children. We don’t live together, have no plans to, and he is never put in the position of a parent.

I paid my ex off as a part of our divorce which is why I still have a mortgage. He rarely sees the kids and doesn’t think he should have to use his annual leave or pay for childcare as that’s what I’m for, because I wanted the divorce.

I’ve kept the details of the divorce and his behaviour from the children. I kept the house, and am very happy. He saw the children over Christmas and one of them remarked he had been hiking for the afternoon with my partner. My ex went mad and said that if it wasn’t for him, my ex would have kept the house and that I was seeing him before we divorced and that my ex is “financially ruined” because of me. NONE of this is true.

This confuses the children and they say they don’t know who to believe. I feel like showing them a copy of the consent order which details the payments made and our situation and also the appalling behaviour which I put as grounds for divorce and which my ex husband signed. They’re currently not speaking to my partner as “he ruined Dad’s life.”

WWYD?

Tell them the facts now. If you dont, they will lose trust in you once they find out.

They are definitely old enough to know the facts and as pp has said, do prepare them as the facts are potentially upsetting for them.

Your ex is spinning lies to his own benefit and it is unfair that your and DP don’t ’get a fair hearing’ in the children’s eyes.

I think sit them down and explain how it all happened. Tell them no one is perfect and that it was in everyone’s best interests and that you do not have to tolerate abusive behaviour like this in your life. Are they mature kids? I think you’re right to have waited. I’d want to think they could understand before I shared the information. I’d make it very very clear I did not want this to affect our day to day now and that I was sharing it because I felt they were old enough and didn’t deserve to be told lies by their dad. Congrats on escaping..you clearly did the very right thing!!!! X

I’d show them the order aswell so they can see it’s fact. End of. x

This. They need to know what can happen in relationships.
imagine if they came to you in the future with relationship problems, and you say ‘oh yes, your father did that to me’.
They need the tools.

Tell them every detail and have evidence in case they can’t believe it!

I’d show them and put an end to your ex’s terrible behaviour, then it’s up to the kids who they decide to believe. It’s a bit difficult for them to disbelieve it when it’s in black and white with their father’s signature on.

I'd have told them by now tbh but just show them all the evidence.

And 'I want to be very clear, I left your father because he is abusive. I'm sorry that he is now abusing you and manipulating in the same way he did me for many years. Here are the facts in black and white. Believe as you see fit. I only hope you choose healthier relationships than I did. I'm sorry I didn't choose an emotional healthy individual to be your dad'.

This

It's shit that you are now in a position where you have to tell them, but your ex has done this.

His lies are abusive and your current partner deserves better than to be ignored because of lies.

You kind of have no choice now. It'll all come out one day anyway. They are old enough to know now.

He's now controlling your children with his lies. You have to prove to them what he was really like or he will win this battle he's manipulative and vindictive.

It's not a matter of understanding or not understanding. It's a matter of posting where it's appropriate, where it will get the best audience - and whether there actually is a question of being unreasonable.

This is your difficult life. Don't dump it on your children

I say they are old enough, tell them the truth being as unbiased as possible and they can decide their actions moving forward.

It's tough not to be able to tell them truth straight out, but the fact you didn't and held it in will also reiterate to your children that you are the reasonable one here.

I split with my ex also in 2020, and my kids are almost as old as yours. They have asked in the past why we split (nothing like as bad as you, just common or garden cheating following some very unreasonable behaviour, and then not bothering with the children at all), and I've told them that we can talk about it when they were older - and the age in my head was somewhere over about 16 - basically when they might be starting to think about relationships, understand a bit about what it'll be like to be an adult etc.

I'd ask them if they want to see, and if they do, I'd show them. You have nothing to hide. Do prepare them for it though, they're likely to be angry with him, and maybe you as you're there.

id let them see the paper work as they have said "we don't know who to believe" If they aren't talking to your dp they clearly do believe their father and not you.

Id make it very clear that the paper work is there for them to see, but they don't have to "read" the paperwork if they don't want to. What you don't want is them then not talking to your dp as they have decided to believe something their father has said.

They are choosing to believe your ex by not talking to your dp

either they stay out of the past and talk to everyone and don't listen to stories of the past from either parent. Or they read what happened in the past and have to see what really happened.

They are old enough to know. You’re also able to tell your ex to piss off. You don’t need to be nice to him.

Tell them now so they have the full picture. They are old enough.

I dint think it’s automatically.lynthatbthey believe their dad rather than the OP.

They might feel very split (Whixh is the point of the ex comments!) and feel that not seeing the OP’s DP is just easiest.
Avoidant behaviour but totally understandable tbh

This seems a good approach. Do it calmly and kindly. Let the talk it through. If he did anything good when they were younger don’t wipe out those memories.

Yeah, show them.
Though the fact they're saying ''don't know who to believe' is a bit of a strange statement.

Your relationship broke down for many complex reasons and it's not a case of believing one or the other.

Everyone has their own take on things and their feelings. There's no black and white, one is evil the other is a blameless saint.

off topic but im worried im in a financially and coercively controlling marriage but im not sure how to assess it properly

This ^^
They are old enough to be told. Clear, unemotional facts. Say you will try and answer any questions they have, now, or in the future.

You need to start you own thread, LucyLoo1972.

did you say this recently in response to another of my posts? or am I going mad?

You are destroying your own relationship with your children lying to them and protecting an abusive man!! Why?!?! All that happens is when they eventually find out they won’t believe you as you’ve covered it up for so long! Tell them NOW and show them proof and also have the police involved when you tell them and also get the children’s service of DVAP involved to help them process what they are being told and how to understand what actually has happened to you and ultimately to them