When can I share the real reasons I divorced my ex?

[Supportedinstep]

Kids are 15/16 and I divorced their father in 2020 when the police removed him. He was financially and coercively controlling and I had been trying to amicably split since 2018 and we were all over long before that really.

He continues to attempt to control me in any way he can, spoiling plans, cancelling things, refusing to pay his share, and now the CMS have been involved, as have the police.

I met my lovely partner in 2021 and he has been nothing but kind to my children. We don’t live together, have no plans to, and he is never put in the position of a parent.

I paid my ex off as a part of our divorce which is why I still have a mortgage. He rarely sees the kids and doesn’t think he should have to use his annual leave or pay for childcare as that’s what I’m for, because I wanted the divorce.

I’ve kept the details of the divorce and his behaviour from the children. I kept the house, and am very happy. He saw the children over Christmas and one of them remarked he had been hiking for the afternoon with my partner. My ex went mad and said that if it wasn’t for him, my ex would have kept the house and that I was seeing him before we divorced and that my ex is “financially ruined” because of me. NONE of this is true.

This confuses the children and they say they don’t know who to believe. I feel like showing them a copy of the consent order which details the payments made and our situation and also the appalling behaviour which I put as grounds for divorce and which my ex husband signed. They’re currently not speaking to my partner as “he ruined Dad’s life.”

WWYD?

I didn’t tell mine until the truth came out when I was upset when our younger son was 21. it affected us badly for a long time because he felt so guilty for believing his dad and for what we’d gone through as a family. He blamed himself. It was like he was a child again, with unfair sadness. Horrible. Tell them now. It’s best but do so gently.

Tell them the truth. To protect your relationship with them. And to protect them, by giving them vital information they need to know if they are to have any chance of not getting damaged by their abusive dad.

(Also I agree very strongly with @Talkinpeace that they may reject what you tell them, and you may need to give them a lot of time to do that.)

This is an excellent approach

100% show them the truth. I’m so pissed off that women are meant to take the high road, while their abusive exes continue to shit all over their lives from afar and fill their children’s minds with poison. I understand why women do it, but it’s so unfair.

This. Well done for leaving.

this is really damaging and you have incontrovertible evidence about what he’s done and is doing. As the very wise post to put above, say that you can show them the court documents but they will find them upsetting. But also be aware that once you’ve done that your ex will kick off and just be ready for that.

I agree with this.

They are already upset and taking ex side and if you speak too negatively about him then they will immediately defend him.

Tell them that their dad was in a bad place and for years you had separated but lived together as you both tried to make things worse.
Explain how you bought him out so they didn’t need to leave their home and he was happy because of this.
And as the PP, tell them that they are old enough to see the court papers but say you don’t want them to have a bad opinion of their dad as you have forgiven him and you are happy now.

I agree- tell them.

we took the high road and never slagged of Dh’s ex, never told them why they divorced (her affair) or that she emptied all the joint accounts in preparation. Though it would affect their relationship with their mum and didn’t want to put them in that situation.

only it turns out she’d been telling them all along I split up the family having an affair with dh- we absolutely didn’t, she was living with her OM when we met, that he’d refused to pay for anything, no CMS, left her with a huge mortgage etc. again, all lies, he did pay cms and he walked away from his house because of the kids, he wasn’t going to force a sale/them to move.

so now Dh’s kids have been NC since they finished uni and no longer get CMS (which negates the above lie).

it’s harder when it’s mum, I don’t think they’d have believed us anyway.

I would tell them the truth and say you have evidence if they need to see it they may remember some of it!

I agree tell them the truth of the matter is in the Court documents that they can read if they choose BUT warn them that it may hurt them and damage their relationship with their Dad.

Keep calm and sympathetic to their dilemma, but reiterate that your partner is totally blameless and you insist they deal courteously with him.

I would tell them, I would show them the papers you owe your ex nothing and kids need to understand just how much you have protected them

They're old enough to hear the truth.

They got his version and it's past time for you to drop yours.

Your ex is trying to alienate your children and that's a form of child abuse where I am. You need to put a stop to it with facts.

Yeah, they need to know the truth now.

I told mine at 13yrs. He had a right to know.

Stick to the facts (e.g. remove emotion) but tell them.
When you separated. When you met your partner. How much you paid him for your share in the house.
id probably stop short at him refusing to pay for the children because I wouldn’t want to tell the children he didn’t pay for them so it doesn’t make them feel bad.
Bide your time and be the better person. Trust me, Children grow up and they work it all out themselves.

I wouldn't tell them.

I'd tell them that it's not appropriate for adults to drag children into their parents divorce but if they want him to show them the signed court documents woth those details then they can ask him because you have nothing to hide.

I'd go back to dating your boyfriend and having that as your private relationship though and not have the kids hike with him.

He's still controlling your via your children who are old enough to know the truth.

Old enough for you to tell them facts. Facts that cannot be refuted. Ie when you met who. When your marriage was over. Who paid for what.

and stop enabling his relationship with them. See how long it lasts.

ifs shit but he is still trying to control you.

consider family trauma informed therapy for you and the kids. It’s the only way

This. Its time for the truth but the truth told appropriately

Excellently put. The child (ren) have a right to know that their dad is an abusive liar.

I would start with some facts if you are going to have conversations

That they are loved & cared for

Marriage, civil partnership versus unmarried rights

Divorce due to "unhappiness"
50/50 split of assets equally
Child maintenance until 18 or end of education
Communication
Equal rights for women

I am not sure that you need to give your children specifics about your marriage or divorce, but perhaps an understanding about the wider subject

Try and put yourself in their shoes. They are being emotionally manipulated and it's very painful. So don't get angry about the ex to them...just be calmly factual. Let them know it's OK with you if they just want to take time out and not have to pick who to believe...you understand this is harmful for them. Ask them if they want to se documents even if it shows things about their dad they might find upsetting. Tell them they can love you both and don't need to choose a side. Tell them you will always love them more than any husband or partner.
But tell them the truth when they are ready

Supportedinstep
Play Show and Tell with the little darlings,
They're old enough now to learn that in life you don't immaturely form uninformed opinions laced with biased ignorance and assume you're right

Tell them the truth and show them the evidence, making it clear you wouldn't have done if it hadn’t been for your ex's lies. They’re old enough.