When can I share the real reasons I divorced my ex?

[Supportedinstep]

Kids are 15/16 and I divorced their father in 2020 when the police removed him. He was financially and coercively controlling and I had been trying to amicably split since 2018 and we were all over long before that really.

He continues to attempt to control me in any way he can, spoiling plans, cancelling things, refusing to pay his share, and now the CMS have been involved, as have the police.

I met my lovely partner in 2021 and he has been nothing but kind to my children. We don’t live together, have no plans to, and he is never put in the position of a parent.

I paid my ex off as a part of our divorce which is why I still have a mortgage. He rarely sees the kids and doesn’t think he should have to use his annual leave or pay for childcare as that’s what I’m for, because I wanted the divorce.

I’ve kept the details of the divorce and his behaviour from the children. I kept the house, and am very happy. He saw the children over Christmas and one of them remarked he had been hiking for the afternoon with my partner. My ex went mad and said that if it wasn’t for him, my ex would have kept the house and that I was seeing him before we divorced and that my ex is “financially ruined” because of me. NONE of this is true.

This confuses the children and they say they don’t know who to believe. I feel like showing them a copy of the consent order which details the payments made and our situation and also the appalling behaviour which I put as grounds for divorce and which my ex husband signed. They’re currently not speaking to my partner as “he ruined Dad’s life.”

WWYD?

Sometimes you have to just tell them the truth. Show them the evidence. They need to know that you new partner is blameless and if they still don't want to talk to him, that is their choice but at least they are making an informed decision.

I would say show them, but do things first. Firstly warn them it may be upsetting, secondly tell them that you are trusting them with the information but you don’t want discussions to be reopened with your ex. That could open a whole horrible can of worms if they then side with you and go and try to rip into their dad. Because then it’ll be tit for tat and he said/she said. They have to accept they know and that’s the end of discussion.

I’m talking from experience here.

if you show them be prepared for them not to truly believe you or even have the understanding of true impact it had or feel angry or sad for you. They may wish they never knew the ‘truth’ or they may get angry that you chose to tell them.

on the flip side they may thank you for your sharing the truth and go tell their dad to stop being such an idiot. However I think it’s a no win situation.

reality has it that kids don’t want to be involved in separated parents problems / issues. They also likely want to think their dad is not capable of that.

It is really tough. No one will come out of this better as someone’s always going to be hurt.

Tell them and make it clear your ex forced your hand by telling lies

Perfectly put !!!

This, @Supportedinstep
Warn them that finding out the truth about their father might be very difficult and disappointing to hear.
You might ask them if they’re ready to hear it.
I think they’re still awfully young in a case like this.
But in a case like this, is any child ’old enough’ to hear that their father is a difficult bastard?

I had this and the ending for me has been a bit rubbish. I didn’t tell them the reasons for the divorce as thought would be damaging (bad advice from lots of people). He showed them and told them I had lied but he was forced to sign the divorce papers (citing the DV I had suffered). He also fabricated me meeting my partner before we split (technically I did as we met in secondary school at 12 but the ‘affair’ was a lie).

he managed to create an environment where the children distrusted me and it’s been very difficult to put this right.

I would tell them asap - don’t let him get under their skin. Just the facts and support them as they come to terms with it x

Take my advice. Tell them everything. Now. They are old enough to take it. My hubby didn't speak up on his ex and now his daughter doesn't speak to him. Ex said him and I were having an affair and that's why they broke up. The reality is, it was her on her third affair and mental bullying that made my hubby leave.the.bitch. We got together about six months after he left her. Children at that age deserve the truth, they are stronger than you think. He is a shit dad anyway so why are you protecting him? Protect yourself and your children from a lying, narcissistic bully boy.

I would have told them ages ago. My son is 17 and has always seen his dad but not much now. He is not violent or anything like that, just absolutely useless and selfish. Moved 200 miles away and has never paid and only stuck to his weekends and made things difficult.

Bit anyway my son knows it all, he doesn't always like it but I do not want him thinking his behaviour and parenting is normal and okay and making the same mistakes.

His own dad was the same and his mum 'protected' him as she said from it and low and behold both sons have behaved the same.

I wouldn't tell your children all the details or show them any documents.
They are adolescents and don't deserve this level of information.
They should be protected from this

Say nothing. As a teen my mum decided to tell me the reasons why she divorced my dad. It was as bad as it gets really and really really wish she hadn’t told me. I was child and I didn’t need to know. I’ve still not really got over it at 48.

You should have been honest from the start.
Not slagging him off. But factual.
I don't believe in lying to children.

At this age, since he's lying to them, yes I would show them the consent order.

It's dangerous to allow your children's trust in you to be undermined by lies. Show them. And tell them about his behaviour.

Tell them, but age appropriately. I found it helped a lot to separate the behaviour from the piece of shit person - there was a lot of "well, that's not actually what happened. When you're ready I'll explain it if you like."

Then when they wanted more info, I kept it to "there was a lot of very unkind behaviour that wasn't acceptable. It's never ok for someone to do xyz and it was hard for me to decide to leave/push back but it's really important to know that nobody is allowed to treat you like that. Yes, I did talk to Dad about it but he wasn't able to change how he behaved to me so it wasn't ok for me to stay in that relationship. Yes, he does seem very different with his new partner at the moment. It's up to her to decide how she is treated so if that changes she will do the same as I did, but it might be fine with her. We just have to worry about our own behaviour and making sure we treat people well, and that way we can let people know what we're ok with. Etc etc etc.

Nearly killed me not spitting "he's a fucking piece of shitttttt" every 2 mins, but 5 years down the line, my dc are young adults and choose to see him very little - when they do, it's v much a surface relationship.

We don't do them or ourselves any favours by hiding their father's behaviour imo. They see it anyway and if we pretend otherwise or don't validate their feelings (assuming they even share them with us), it just teaches them we can't be trusted either. My girls gave so many heartbreaking examples after we left that I had no idea they were keeping from me. They didn't trust that I wouldn't minimise it - oh, he's just tired/stressed etc, didn't mean to upset you, all that. It made me realise that all the years I tried so hard to protect them from his emotional abuse just made them think it wasn't safe to come to me about it. That makes me so sad and took a long time to forgive myself. Luckily it's different now.

Yes, they should be protected.

But their dad has dragged them into it by bad-mouthing their mum’s innocent new partner.

So fair is fair, right?

Shouldn’t mum defend herself? Or should mum spend the rest of her days be the dad’s whipping boy?

Dad’s an arsehole, that much is clear. And in 5 or 10 or 25 years the kids are gonna see that the dad is an arsehole, without help from anybody.

Never, they don’t need the dreadful details. Simply tell them that there father is a liar and you made the best decision for all of your future.
it is bad enough that their father is filling their head with nasty crap, don’t join in.

Tell them but be prepared for resistance. My partner told his son the terrible lies his ex wife told to put hom in a bad light whrn they divirced. My partner had documentscto prove certain bits of information and hisxson didnt want to read them even though they were the truth so......

This

Thanks so much everyone.

I have shared appropriate details with them and have also been very clear that he’s lied through his teeth and I paid him off to keep the house. But they have never seen anything in writing. I’m not entirely sure that they understand the concept of equity either - I kept the house and didn’t go for his giant pension for example too.

I have just had a look at the consent order again and it’s very dry and legalese, and doesn’t include the details of the original petition. He has barely complied with it and I called in the lawyers about it but it cost a fortune just to get him to pay for really simple stuff that’s explicit in the order, like half the school uniform for example. I decided to protect my mental health and that living well is the best revenge.

Interestingly, he’s accused me of seeing my partner before we broke up. Nonsense. And yet quel surprise, he had already picked up with a woman from the local pub…

As for the poster who said I should keep my relationship private and my 16 year old should not be hiking with him, at what point is it ok to introduce the kids???? It’s been almost 5 years!

Any decisions need to be made in the best interest of the children and they are vulnerable.
Whether it's fair that ex husband badmouthed partner is irrelevant.
Giving all the information to the adolescent children will upset their emotions even more.
When they are old enough to find out any information for themselves they can make an informed decision.
Life isn't fair!

She risks being alienated from her kids by her lying ex. Of course she should tell them the truth.

Glad you've spoken to them, OP. Hope you're all OK.

Thank you, your post says it all.
Take care

100% tell them @Supportedinstep

you can do this factually without emotion and without bad-mouthing your ex- and you can say his behaviour was unacceptable. Just don’t turn it into personal sleights.

YANBU. I think your kids are old enough to know/see some evidence if you have it.

Children grow up confused when one parent covers for another’s abuse imo. I mean you can’t lay it all on them when they’re young, but if they’re going into adulthood viewing you with suspicion and him with sympathy when actually you’re the one who’s been doing your best and he’s the one with the serious issues, it’s better if they can see it all for what it really is.